


Da Vinci’s Demons, or Well, sh*t!

by Kana_Go



Series: Russian to English translations [8]
Category: Da Vinci's Demons
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/M, Gen, Historical Fantasy, Italy, M/M, Parody, Pseudo-History, Translation into English, bad bad humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-06-29 04:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 36,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15722247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kana_Go/pseuds/Kana_Go
Summary: The key points from the episodes of all three seasons of the show with the author’s slight changes and additions. *evil laughter*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Демоны да Винчи, или Ну блин!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13613046) by [Kana_Go](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kana_Go/pseuds/Kana_Go). 



> All quotes, obvious and not so much, belong to their sources.  
> HUGE thanks to wonderful meridian_rose (meridianrose) for beta-reading!

**Da Vinci’s Demons, or Well, sh*t!**  
Comedy in 3 Acts

  
  
**Starring:**  
  
**Leonardo ‘In-Any-Unclear-Situation-Draw’ da Vinci**  – the main character, young brilliant artist and inventor, ~~genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist~~ , ambidextrous, vegetarian, living embodiment of the saying “A talented person is talented in everything.” Between booze-nights, revels, girls and – according to the certain anonymous reports – boys, he manages to cobble up weapons for the local government, draw starlings in the air, fly mechanical birds and his apprentice, hallucinate and lucid dream, dissect dead bodies, take and abandon commissions, chase hidden knowledge, discover new continents… In short, he knows everything about having real fun.    
  
**Zo** , or  **Zoroaster ‘Points-For-Chutzpah’ de Peretola** – the main character’s BF, heartthrob, but gentleman at heart, polyglot. He expresses himself through the medium of his tongue and his fists equally persuasively. Also he is suspiciously well knowledgeable in keys and lock picks. He digs up graves really professionally (for the main character) and does shopping no less professionally (also for the main character). Sometimes in the heat of the moment he tells the main character to get lost in extremely distant and stinky places, but always follows him in the end. Also he rescues the main character from distant and stinky places when someone else tells the latter to get lost there.    
  
**Girolamo ‘Do-You-Know-Who-I-Am?’ Riario**  –  ~~villain~~ antagonist, Count, Captain General of the Holy Roman Church, the Sword of the Church, Monster of Italy and other pretty words. He’s ostensibly the Pope’s nephew, but quite often for some reason he forgets to say the first word in the title ‘Holy Father’. He looks at you with those big pleading eyes and then goes to murder people. Or he goes to murder people and then looks at you with those big pleading eyes. Or multitasks. He likes all black, infernal devices, eyeglasses from the future and asking complicated questions. During the course of the story he killed his mom, dad, girlfriend ~~and now he drives a dump truck all alone.~~ (1)  
  
**Nico** , or  **Niccolò ‘You-Wouldn’t-Believe-Who-His-Father-Is’ Machiavelli**  – the main character’s apprentice and friend. A young fair-haired and (comparatively) delicate boy. For his maestro he’s ready to fly on kites and dig up graves. Oh, and to do shopping of course. He changed drastically after Count Riario treated him to an orange.  
  
**Recurring characters:**  
  
**Piero da Vinci**  (aka **Daddy da Vinci** ) – the main character’s father who wants only what’s best for his son, but perhaps overdoes it a bit.  
**Caterina**  – the main character’s mother, long lost, but not forgotten. It actually looks as if she has the Schrödinger's cat among her distant relatives because you never know if she’s alive or dead.  
**Sophia**  – the main character’s little sister who just… appears. Suddenly.  
**Lorenzo de’ Medici ‘il Magnifico’**  – the ruler of the Florentine Republic, the main character’s employer. Patron of scholars, artists and poets, humanist. Well, he was. But then he changed drastically over the summer.  
**Giuliano de’ Medici** – Lorenzo’s brother. Well, he was. He didn’t even have any time to change.  
**Clarice Orsini** – Lorenzo’s wife, Mother of Florence and overall sainted lady.   
**Vanessa Moschella** – the main character’s good friend, the girl with ribbons in her hair. She changed drastically over the summer just like Lorenzo and Nico.   
**Lucrezia Donati** – the Florentine version of Natasha Romanoff, spy, beauty and femme fatale. Full-time mistress to Lorenzo and part-time one to the main character.  
**Not Real Pope** (aka **NotRP** for short) – the Real Pope’s twin brother. He sits in the Vatican. He likes his jacuzzi tub and ordering about.  
**Real Pope** (aka **RP** for short) – the Not Real Pope’s twin brother. For the most part of the series he sits in a cage. He likes clanking his chains and playing the game of Go with Riario.  
**The Sons of Mithras** aka **SSS** (Super Secret Sect) – they recruit people into their ranks through hypnosis, NLP and exotic Oriental décor.  
**The Labyrinth** aka **S_SS** (Scary Secret Sect) – they recruit people into their ranks through hypnosis, NLP and huge amounts of oversalted water. Do not confuse them with SSS!  
**Vlad III/ Vlad the Impaler** – aka Count Dracula, but let’s pretend no one figured it out because one count is enough for this story. He neither burns in fire nor drowns in water. He likes eating raw brains and – which seems pretty logical – impaling everything and everyone.  
**And many others.**

 

 **Act 1**  
Scene 1

  
  
**Somewhere in the countryside, in the sunlit meadow.**    
Vanessa: *poses topless against the view of Florence*  
Leonardo: *sketches*   
Vanessa: *gets a bit bored* Tell me what your earliest memory was?  
Leonardo: I was six months old. My mother put me in a cradle out in the field. And a falcon flew down. It looked at me almost as if it were trying to reveal some kind of mystery. My mother threw a stone at it and it flew away.  
Leonardo: And you know what’s interesting? I remember it all, but I never manage to recall my mom’s face.   
Vanessa: I guess, quite by accident, that stone hit you, not the falcon. That’s why you remember nothing.  
Vanessa: And that’s why you’re such a genius now.  
Leonardo: Well, I never considered that possibility…  
Nico: Wow, tits!  
Leonardo: Ah, you should’ve looked at you in the 3rd season…  
Leonardo: But let's not bring up the sad things. I’ve just invented a kite, so now you, you…  
Nico: Can it be me, too?  
Leonardo: Yes, you’ll be the one. I’m just stammering from excitement.  
Leonardo: You are going to fly on it.  
Nico: Do you mean ‘fly it’?  
Leonardo: Surely not, I meant what I said.  
Leonardo: Those ribbons in Vanessa’s hair allow me to see that the strength and direction of the wind are just right.   
Leonardo: Let’s check if the kite is able to support your weight.  
Nico: What if it isn’t?  
Leonardo: Then, alas, I’ll have to look for another apprentice.  
Nico: Well, sh*t…   
+++

 

 **In the bar.**  
Zo: Wanna try a sausage?  
Leonardo: I prefer not to eat anything with eyes.  
Zo: But this sausage doesn’t have any.  
Nico: Potatoes have eyes though.  
Leonardo: Very funny!  
Viewers: Yeah, especially since potatoes will be brought to Europe only in a hundred years.  
Leonardo: Viewers, don’t be ridiculous!  
Viewers: ???  
Leonardo: You see when in the 2 nd season we go to…  
Zo and Nico: * in chorus* No spoilers!  
+++

   
A guy: *affectionally* Maestro, may I model for you again?  
Leonardo: Go model for Botticelli.   
A guy: *leaves offended*  
Zo: Oaf.   
Leonardo: But he's pleasing to the eye, nonetheless.   
Viewers: *forebodingly* Well-well, don’t complain later that nothing foretold your troubles.   
+++  
  
Officers of the Night: *bully a mysterious Turk*  
Leonardo: *protects a mysterious Turk from the Officers of the Night, making a point of demonstrating his brilliant ambidextrous skills*  
The Turk: *very mysteriously* Thanks. Come and visit me at the Roman ruins, in the north of the town. We’ll have a smo… I mean, we’ll have a talk.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *visits the Turk*  
The Turk: I am a son of Earth and Starry Heaven. I am thirsty. Please, give me something to drink from the Fountain of Memory.  
Leonardo: Utter rubbish.  
The Turk: Okay, I got this.   
The Turk: Smoke with me.   
Leonardo: *takes a drag*  
Leonardo: *his face shows immediately that the process started*  
The Turk: I am a son of Earth and Starry Heaven. I am thirsty. Please, give me something to drink from the Fountain of Memory.  
Leonardo: Wow!  
The Turk: Exactly!  
Leonardo: The Jew who was executed earlier this day had said the same words to me.  
The Turk: That’s because you and us together, we belong to one super secret sect.  
The Turk: We just forgot to inform you about it.   
Leonardo: Well, that’s all very cool, but what this has to do with me?  
The Turk: Do you remember your mom and THAT incident from your childhood?  
Leonardo: *flashback*  
Little Leonardo tends sheep. One of them breaks herd and enters a cave.  
A voice from the cave: Leonardo! Follow the ~~white rabbit~~ black sheep!  
Little Leonardo: *enters the cave*  
...  
Little Leonardo: *emerges back from the cave, soaked and bloody*  
Little Leonardo: This Matrix of yours is pretty lousy…  
Leonardo: *flashback ends*  
The Turk: Your mom will be for you on the other side of the door. All you have to do is enter.   
Leonardo: ???  
The Turk: Find the Book of Leaves, Leonardo!  
The Turk: *knocks Leonardo off with some magic powder and vanishes into thin air together with the pipe and the whole setting*  
+++  
  
**In the dungeon.  
** Daddy da Vinci: Son, today you got into a fight with the Officers of the Night   
Daddy da Vinci: And spammed Lorenzo with self-promotion.  
Daddy da Vinci: And for the matter of that, you’re bastard and you really infuriate me.  
Leonardo: You will never achieve greatness whereas I already have.  
Daddy da Vinci: You have quite an odd interpretation of greatness.    
Leonardo: I’m an artist and that’s how I see it! (2)  
Daddy da Vinci: I could ban you from the computer and cut off your pocket money, but we’re living in the hardcore 15th century.  
Daddy da Vinci: That’s why you’re wearing a metal collar, the Officers will beat you up for another couple of hours and whack your fingers with a brick.  
Leonardo: *to himself* Now you see that I had no choice but to become ambidextrous.   
Leonardo: *to himself * I must have something to draw with after conversations with my loving daddy.  
Leonardo: *to himself * Perhaps I should grow one more arm…   
+++  
  
**Next morning in the town square.**    
Leonardo, Zo and Nico: *sit in the sun ~~and drink beer~~ *   
Leonardo and Zo: *discuss women*  
Nico: *picks up basics of indecent behavior diligently*  
Leonardo: *sketches Lucrezia who came to buy some flowers*  
Leonardo: Nico, grab this drawing, run to Lucrezia and tell her I’m asking her out.   
Nico: *comes back* She agreed.  
Nico: Are you going?   
Leonardo: Nah, run to her again and tell her that I can’t. My dad won’t let me.  
Nico and Lucrezia: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
Lorenzo: You will paint a portrait of my mistress.   
Leonardo: *spams Lorenzo with self-promotion again*  
Leonardo: Pleeeease hiiiire me as war engineeeeeeer!  
Lorenzo: *the demo-version of the antivirus has expired*  
Lorenzo: Okay.  
Lorenzo: But you will paint a portrait of my mistress all the same.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: Oh, it's been so long since I practiced anatomy.  
Leonardo: *takes Zo aside* I need a corpse. Badly.  
Zo: Not mine I hope?  
Leonardo: Yours would be fresher, but that Jew’s body will do, too.   
Zo: *runs away to dig because you never know*  
+++  
  
**At the carnival.**    
Leonardo: I’ve invented a drone and fireworks!  
Lucrezia: Actually, I wouldn't mind taking a closer look at your… inventions.  
Leonardo: Then let’s go and ~~jump in the sack~~ have some tea! I will show you everything.   
Lucrezia: Has your dad changed his mind already?  
Leonardo: Sure!  
*They drink tea and look at inventions. With explicit rating of course*  
+++   
  
**In the Vatican Secret Archives.**  
Riario: *reports to NotRP and the company* According to the information investigated by my agent in Florence, the artist Leonardo da Vinci is making siege equipment for Medici.  
Agent >Lucrezia: Yes, I’m spying for Rome! You had no idea? Bwahaha!!!  
NotRP & company: A woman???   
NotRP & company: Riario?  
Riario: *pokerface* I’m against sexism.   
Lucrezia: Besides, he’s looking for something called the Book of Leaves.  
NotRP & company: That’s a woman! We respect you! Continue watching this da Vinci and see if he can be co-opted.  
Lucrezia: *with minor trembling in her voice which kinda hints that it's not all that simple* And if he cannot?  
NotRP: Then the hell mouth will devour him.   
Riario: *in his mind goes over his numerous monikers feverishly*  
Riario: *to himself* They called me ‘the Sword of the Church’… They also called me ‘the Lord’s Executioner’… But ‘the Hell Mouth’? I think I haven’t been called it yet. Guess I can wait it out so far.  
Riario: *pokerface*

 

Scene 2

  
  
Zo and Nico: *dig up the Jew’s dead body*  
Leonardo: *has a little boat trip with this very Jew down the river engaged in more mystical conversations*  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *dissects the body*  
Nico: *pokes the body with a stick*  
Vanessa: Aw, it’s fun!  
Leonardo: Who let kids into the mortuary?  
Leonardo: Wow!  
Leonardo: I did hope to find a kind of a key,  
Leonardo: But I didn’t think it’d be so literal.  
+++  
  
Riario: *has kidnapped Nico*  
Riario: Do you know who I am?  
Riario: *starts listing*  
Riario: *is still listing*  
Nico: …  
Riario: Why did da Vinci dig up the body?  
Nico: Zzzz… Ah? What?  
Soldier №1: By the way, what about pay…  
Soldier №2: *at the Riario’s sign beheads the first*  
Riario: It’s better to be feared than loved.   
Riario: This is it.  
Surviving soldiers: Our boss is the best boss ever!  
Surviving soldiers: And we need no pay! None at all!  
Nico: Oh dear...  
Riario: *munches an apple and tortures Nico with an infernal device*   
Riario: Why did da Vinci dig up the body?  
Nico: He’s going to enter the University of Florence.   
Nico: Faculty of Medicine.  
Nico: So he’s preparing for entrance exams.  
Riario: *munches an apple and tortures Nico with an infernal device*  
Nico: Okay, okay, he extracted a key out of the body!  
Riario: Lead us to his workshop.  
Nico: But I can’t. Your soldiers smacked me on the head and I forgot the way.   
Riario: Then maybe you don’t need your head anymore?  
Nico: Oh, I suddenly remembered!  
Nico: *leads Riario and soldiers to Leonardo’s workshop*  
Nico: You can look for the key wherever you want and break whatever you want. But on no account should you try to break open that very mysterious locked chest in which the key is highly likely to be hidden.   
Riario: Break the chest open!  
Soldiers: *try to open the chest*  
Nico: *sports a complicated expression*  
Riario: *it dawns on him almost in time* NOOOOO!  
Chest: KABOOM!!!  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Lorenzo: If you don’t make a working weapon for me within three days, I’ll have you hanged.  
Lorenzo: So work and don’t go anywhere!  
Leonardo: Ah, I have no inspiration.   
Leonardo: I guess I’ll go to the bar.   
Leonardo: *drinks*   
Leonardo: *chats with friends*  
Leonardo: *figures out that there should be two keys*  
Leonardo: *investigates the case of the hanged Jew*  
Leonardo: *steals a mysterious book from the shop*  
Leonardo: *learns from the book that the key he found – when paired with the second one – unlocks the Vault of Heaven*  
Leonardo: *in short, procrastinates to the best of his ability*  
+++  
  
**At the feast in honor of Florence.**  
Leonardo: *keeps procrastinating*  
Lucrezia: *stares at Lorenzo really subtly*  
Leonardo: *stares at Lucrezia really subtly*  
Riario: *stares at Leonardo really subtly*  
Riario: What? I’m here on an official visit!  
Lorenzo: Our life in Florence is amazing. Like in Eden!  
Lorenzo: *demonstrates to the dear guests wonders of Florence, namely, really scarcely dressed women and men*  
Leonardo: Nude models!  
Leonardo: *sketches*   
Riario: *gets a place near Lucrezia and Leonardo really subtly*  
Riario: *it can be clearly seen from his face what exactly he’s thinking about all those sinful amusements*  
Lorenzo: So everyone was happy in the Garden of Eden ‘til they had a guest.   
Lorenzo: *pets a boa with a not-so-subtle hint*  
Lorenzo: As we do.   
Riario: Okay, I’ll pretend I didn’t get a hint.  
A bit later.   
Riario: *finds Leonardo in a quiet nook*  
Riario: Artista, I want you!  
Leonardo: Huh?  
Riario: I mean first I want the key from the Vault of Heaven and the book you found and then I want you to help me search for the Book of Leaves.   
Leonardo: Ah, why didn't you just say so?   
Leonardo: Because I thought you’d also got eager to… pose.    
Riario: ???  
Leonardo: Come ~~on a date~~ and meet me tomorrow at sunrise.  
Leonardo: And then you may have the key.   
Riario: And you?  
Leonardo: *keeps mysterious silence*  
Riario: *winks*  
Lorenzo and Giuliano: *who saw everything* You’re in a jam, kiddies!  
+++  
  
**In** **the** **valley** **at** **sunrise** **.**    
Leonardo: *places a bottle near a big unknown object carefully*  
Leonardo: How about Spin the Bottle?  
Riario: Sure, but a bit later.   
Riario: First you must turn yourself to the dark side. We have ~~cookies~~ a chest of money.  
Leonardo: Nah.  
Leonardo: I’m loyal to Florence in general and Lorenzo in particular.  
Lorenzo: *watches them from the rock*   
Lorenzo: *wipes away a tear of emotion*  
Leonardo: Well, if you don’t want to play Spin the Bottle,  
Leonardo: Let’s play dodgeball.   
A ray of the rising sun reflects from the bottle and lights the fuse.   
Leonardo: *pulls the cover off the big unknown object*  
Leonardo: I’ve invented a machine-gun!  
Riario: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**In the workshop**  
Leonardo: *tears apart the stolen book feverishly*  
Zo: Have you gone loco?  
Leonardo: *uses pages to piece together a map*  
Leonardo: No.  
Leonardo: I discovered America.  
Leonardo: It’s pretty theoretical so far.  
Leonardo: But I can fix it.  
+++  
  
Riario: Hehehe.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: We’ve just have been sprayed with machine-gun fire.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Is it so funny?  
Riario: I’ve just remembered.   
Riario: Funny, eh?  
Riario: I’ve been wearing this hefty thingy around my neck for a whole lot of time, and now I’ve remembered suddenly   
Riario: That this hefty thingy is the second key from the Vault of Heaven.    
Riario: Hehehe.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: ???

Scene 3

  
  
Night falls upon the city. ~~But mafia is awake.~~  
Riario: *plays Go with RP*  
Lucrezia and Lorenzo: *break the curfew. With explicit rating of course*   
Clarice: I knooow eeeeeverythiiiing…  
Leonardo: *treats himself to some smoking blends which are legal only because lists of addictive substances aren’t invented yet*  
RP: *teaches Riario a game of Go* A stone can be considered to inhabit one of three states: alive, dead, or unsettled.  
Leonardo: Just like my mom…  
+++  
  
**In the morning.**  
Lorenzo’s counselor: Da Vinci! Hurry up and go to the smithy!  
Leonardo: Huh? Is it morning already?  
Leonardo: Time flies when you enjoy legal smoking blends…  
Leonardo: Okay, I’m coming.   
Lorenzo’s counselor: What is that noxious smell?  
Leonardo: *thinks* Oh, I completely forgot that this dead body had been in the center of my workshop for a week already …  
Leonardo: *thinks* I had visitors, but no one mentioned it.  
Leonardo: *thinks* Everyone got accustomed to it, I guess. It’s as though it’s a piece of furniture now.  
Leonardo: Ah, that is just that soup. It went bad in the fridge.   
Lorenzo’s counselor: Well, okay...  
+++  
  
An eerie foggy night again.   
Nuns from the nearby convent: *run around, scream in horrible voices and attack armed soldiers*  
Viewers: *check the list of the show genres feverishly*  
Viewers: But it doesn’t include ‘horror’…  
Viewers: We shouldn’t have started watching this at two a.m.  
Giuliano: It’s the work of Satan! Exorcism time!  
Abbess: It’s the work of Satan! Exorcism time!  
Leonardo: There's no need to hurry with exorcism.    
Leonardo: I know! The sisters ate fly agarics!  
Everyone: *look for mushrooms*  
Leonardo: I know! The sisters got bitten by tarantulas!  
Everyone: *looks for spiders*  
Leonardo: I know! The sisters paint icons with mercury!  
Leonardo: *licks an icon*  
Everyone: ???  
Giuliano: *mournfully* Well, looks like he’s gone mad, too.   
+++  
  
Riders from Rome arrive.  
Nico: *recognizes his old acquaintances from Riario’s entourage*  
Nico: *suffers*  
Leonardo: *empathizes*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Your situation is so bad that we felt it right from Rome.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: So we came in a great hurry to the rescue.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Woohoo! Exorcism time!  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
NotRP: It is God's will to break Lorenzo and all who support him.   
NotRP: Let’s kill them all!  
Riario: May I keep da Vinci?  
NotRP: Pardon me?  
Riario: I mean he’ll make weapons for us and decipher knowledge from the Book of Leaves.   
NotRP: Well, if that’s what they're calling it these days…  
Riario: Thanks, father.  
NotRP: Tsk tsk, HOLY Father.  
Riario: …  
NotRP: By the way, you don’t mind if I borrow your dearest and only Abyssinian slave girl for the night, do you?  
Riario: …   
Riario: *to himself* Sometimes I wish we weren’t relatives.  
+++  
  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Now I’m going to perform a mass exorcism!  
Leonardo: How exactly?  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: First, we’re going to choke all of them to death.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: And then we’ll burn those who inadvertently survived the first stage.   
Leonardo: *thinks* Oh my, we’re playing with fire here.   
Leonardo: *thinks* Literally.  
Leonardo: *promptly proves that Romans deliberately poisoned the nuns with red ergot fungus*  
Giuliano and Abbess: Leonardo, you’re genius!  
Leonardo: *demurely* I know.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Ah, then we’ll leave coolly. We kinda have nothing to do with this.   
Leonardo: *has consumed some red ergot by accident*  
Leonardo: *has hallucinations of walking anatomical material and Riario*  
Viewers: *check the list of the show genres feverishly again*  
Viewers: But it doesn’t include ‘horror’…  
Viewers: We shouldn’t have started watching this at two a.m.

 

Scene 4

  
  
Count Riario went on the road  
He reached a small town and got in church mode  
Locals perused neither Bible nor lore  
Nobody lives in the town any more.  
+++  
  
Riario & Company vs Lorenzo & Company. Gallop towards each other solemnly. Western music plays, and the scene lacks only cowboy hats and Colt guns.    
Riario: I’m so cool, I have a cool black horse and cool retro sunglasses.   
Riario: And now I’m going to announce the list of His Eminence’s demands.  
Riario: *announces the list*  
Leonardo: Your cool black horse clearly suffers from constipation.  
Leonardo: And never before have I seen a fool who puts on sunglasses in broad daylight to read something.    
Leonardo: By the way, why do your cool sunglasses date back to the 18th century while it’s the mid 15th now?   
Riario: That's none of your business.  
Riario: Your business is to go to Rome and paint our new chapel.  
Lorenzo: And what if I don’t let him go?  
Riario: *calls the army from the nearby forest* Then your guns won’t help you.  
Riario: I saw this gun during my previous visit.   
Riario: And those two seconds while I was falling on the ground and covering my head were enough to calculate the number of its barrels and rate of fire.  
Riario: You won’t have enough time to reload it.  
Leonardo: *thinks* Wow, that’s some remarkable mathematical skills…  
Riario: So ponder the offer.   
Riario & Company: *leave*   
Lorenzo: We need more guns.  
Leonardo: Nah, I’d rather go and ask Nico to fetch a crossbow and shoot fruit.    
+++  
  
Nico: *got tired of shooting fruit* Are you procrastinating again?  
Nico: Romans are about to enter the city.  
Leonardo: I don’t care – I’m sketching.  
Clarice: Are you procrastinating?  
Leonardo: The Greeks teach us everything can be everything and everything can be turned into everything else.  
Clarice: Oh, I see. You’re definitely procrastinating.  
+++  
  
**In the smithy where guns are being made.  
** Leonardo: You know I’ve just remembered the world’s history (and for some reason Riario) and realized that engaging in a gun-measuring contest wouldn’t do us any good.  
Leonardo: Hence, I’m going to be a pacifist and blow up the smithy.   
Smithy: KABOOM!  
Everyone: Well, sh*t…  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *returns home drunk*  
Leonardo: *spots Riario*  
Leonardo: *sees loads of dead bodies*  
Leonardo: ???  
The street is totally clean and empty again.  
Leonardo: The sneak attack of DT’s detected.   
Leonardo: Besides, there’s too much of Riario in this story.    
In the workshop, a bit later.  
Leonardo: *tries to work*  
Leonardo: *spots Riario from the corner of his eye*  
Leonardo: !!!  
There’s nobody here.   
Leonardo: There’s _definitely_ too much of Riario in this story.    
Leonardo: *spots Lucrezia from the corner of his eye*  
Leonardo: Are you my hallucination, too?  
Lucrezia: No, I’m not your hallucination.  
Lucrezia: And I can prove it.   
Lucrezia: *proves she’s not a hallucination. With explicit rating of course.*  
+++  
  
Lorenzo: *pretty upset about the blown up smithy*  
Lorenzo: *goes on the rampage and throws pomegranates*  
Lorenzo: If Riario wants you he’s welcome to have you!  
Leonardo: *thinks* Well, sh*t.   
Leonardo: *thinks* I have to invent grenades, and fast.

+++  
  
**Riario & Company vs Lorenzo & Company.**  
Riario: *brightly* Nico! What’s up?  
Nico: Get lost, vermin.   
Lorenzo: We’re here to surrender.  
Riario: Hehehe.  
Leonardo: *eats a pomegranate* His Grace misspoke.   
Leonardo: You’re here to surrender.  
Riario: ???  
Leonardo: *demonstrates a freshly invented grenade*  
Riario: *impressed*  
Leonardo: But this was a mini version.  
Leonardo: There you can see a wonder waffle after which your remains could be put through a really fine sieve.   
Riario: *looks at the wonder waffle*  
Riario: *recalls all cases when Leonardo tried to blow him up or shoot him*  
Riario: *thinks* Well, sh*t.   
Riario: *thinks* This artist bullied me into PTSD.  
Riario: *thinks* Even though the term PTSD was invented only in the late 20th century.  
Riario: I’ll be back!  
Riario & Company: *leave with dignity*  
Lorenzo: Wow! What a cool wonder waffle!  
Leonardo: Ah, it’s made of cardboard.   
Leonardo: You see, in some folks the supervention of too much booze gives them a headache, but in my case it's super-invention with a head full of ideas.  
Lorenzo: Well, sh*t.   
+++

  
**During the celebration in honor of Leonardo and the temporary victory over Rome.**  
Zo: I don’t get it!  
Zo: I assisted in assembling the wonder waffle!  
Zo: Why wasn’t I invited?  
Leonardo: Your face doesn’t fit.   
Leonardo: Besides, your rap sheet is too long.  
Zo: Well, sh*t.   
A bit later.   
Lorenzo: Leonardo, I’m awarding a medal to you for your good works!  
Leonardo: *thinks* Next time I should ask him about funding an expedition to America.  
Officers of the Night: *enter the hall*  
Leonardo: Are you here to congratulate me, too?  
Officers of the Night: No, we’re here to tell you that you’re a sodomite, so we’re going to convict and burn you!  
Lorenzo: But no one has been tried let alone burnt for this for more than 50 years!  
Lorenzo: Besides, we have pretty loose morals here, the previous episodes kinda suggest it.  
Officers of the Night: Oh, we’ll make an exception for our genius here.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.

 

Scene 5

  
  
**In jail.  
** Leonardo: Do you have a vegetarian option here?  
Guard: Sure.  
Guard: Hey, somebody go to the meadow and pick some grass for him.    
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**In the court.  
** Daddy da Vinci: Well, sometimes I ask the Officers of the Night to jump you and beat you up in a dark alley, but I still love you.  
Daddy da Vinci: That’s why I’m going to be your lawyer.   
Leonardo: *sketches*  
Judge: The court now calls on the victim – signor Jacopo Saltarelli.   
Saltarelli > the guy from the bar: Erm, maestro was drawing me and then… did the thing.  
Saltarelli: Once.   
Saltarelli: No, twice!  
Saltarelli: No, three times!  
Prosecutor: He did bed Saltarelli.  
Daddy da Vinci: He didn’t bed Saltarelli.  
Leonardo: *sketches*  
Prosecutor: He did bed Saltarelli.  
Daddy da Vinci: He didn’t bed Saltarelli.  
Leonardo: *sketches*  
Prosecutor: He did bed Saltarelli.  
Daddy da Vinci: Son, say at least something in your defense.  
Leonardo: *sketches*  
Daddy da Vinci: *elbows him in the side* Son, tell them that you didn’t bed Saltarelli.  
Leonardo: *without looking up from sketching* Whatever we did was by mutual consent.  
Daddy da Vinci: *facepalm* Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Zo and Nico: *do something they do best*  
Zo and Nico: *more specifically, shopping*  
Zo: *checks the ciphered shopping list* Magnesium… Lenses… A pig? Why on earth does he need a pig?  
Nico: Ah, they must be really poorly fed in prison…  
+++  
  
**In the court.**  
Prosecutor: Besides, he’s a sorcerer.  
Prosecutor: In his workshop we found a notebook full of drawings of demonic creatures.  
Daddy da Vinci: *thinks* Well, sh*t.  
Daddy da Vinci: *thinks* I’ll have to give him a safe as a birthday gift.  
Daddy da Vinci: *thinks* If he lives to see his next birthday.  
Daddy da Vinci: They are not demonic creatures.  
Daddy da Vinci: They’re little bunnies and cute squirrels.  
Prosecutor: *with doubt* They seem pretty weird bunnies and squirrels.  
Daddy da Vinci: He’s an artist and that’s how he sees it.  
Leonardo: *sketches*  
+++  
  
Leonardo: I’ve invented a bat call!  
Leonardo: And phosphorus bat guano bombs!  
Bats: *fly and explode*  
Guards: Well, sh*t!  
Zo: *disguised as a guard, steals the keys and sneaks to the cell*  
Leonardo: *starts stripping*  
Zo: Against the background of the charges against you this looks unsettling.  
Leonardo and Zo: *change clothes*  
Leonardo: *out for the judge’s head and less lofty body parts*  
Leonardo: My arm is long and my vengeance is total!  
+++  
  
**Meanwhile in the Medicis’ mansion.**  
Lorenzo:  ~~Guys, the police inspector is on his way here.~~ Giuliano, we’re going to welcome the visit of the important Catholic monarchs.  
Giuliano: And that’s why our theatre will perform The Decameron for them!   
Lorenzo: Well… okay. But we’ll have to cut all indecent scenes.   
Lorenzo: Tell it to the actors and don’t mess anything up!  
Giuliano: Signore e signori performers, we’re going to welcome the visit of the important Catholic monarchs.  
Giuliano: That’s why we will perform The Decameron for them!   
Giuliano: Ah… what else did my brother ask? Can’t remember…  
Giuliano: Bingo!   
Giuliano: He said we had to cut all decent scenes!  
Everyone watches The Decameron. Everyone seems to like it, even the important Catholic monarchs. But suddenly the vague image of a naked man with a pig in a very unambiguous position appears in the sky over Florence.  
Everyone: *looks at the sky and roars with laughter because it’s even cooler than The Decameron*  
+++  
  
**In the empty courtroom.**  
Leonardo: *with a torch, in David Copperfield mode* I’ve invented a film projector!  
Leonardo: And photography!  
Judge: *tied to a pig in a very unambiguous position* Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: *has slipped into the role of an evil genius*   
Leonardo: Bwahaha!!! I may like dudes, but at least I don’t do THIS with pigs! Bwahaha!!!  
Pig: Hey, what did you use to glue him to me? Gorilla Super Glue?   
Pig: Then unglue him and let me eat in peace!  
Leonardo: One moment, first he’ll have to dismiss all charges against me! Bwahaha!!!  
Leonardo: And tell me what cheeky Roman monkey fabricated that secret denunciation! Bwahaha!!!    
Leonardo: Or else I’ll show his face to the distinguished audience! Bwahaha!!!    
+++  
  
**Next** **day** **,** **in** **the** **court** **.  
** Judge: *with nervous look and unsteady gait* There’re no witnesses, no evidence and no proof.  
Judge: The accused is not guilty and he’s in fact a precious cinnamon roll too pure for this world.   
Leonardo: Hehehe.  
+++  
  
**In the bar.**    
Zo: *makes a toast* To free love!  
Everyone: YEAH!  
Saltarelli: Psst!  
Saltarelli: *beckons Leonardo upstairs*  
Leonardo: ???  
+++  
  
**In the little room above the bar.**    
Leonardo: Well, not all experiments are equally useful.  
Saltarelli: *hugs with a NSFW drawing* Sob!   
Leonardo: Goodbye?  
Saltarelli: Goodbye.  
Viewers: Slash?  
Leonardo and Saltarelli: Slash!  
Leonardo and Saltarelli: *bid good-bye. With modest PG-13 rating*  
+++  
  
**In a bathtub, by candlelight.**  
Lucrezia: Take my ring as a memento.  
Lucrezia: Just don’t let Lorenzo see it.  
Leonardo: Okay.   
Leonardo: By the way, what are we doing here?  
Leonardo: I’m pretty sure I’m perfectly able to shave off my own beard.  
Lucrezia: Sure thing.   
Lucrezia: But after an episode like this you’re in bad need of a final ~~bathroom~~ bedroom scene with a woman.  
Leonardo: Right, there's that.  
Lucrezia and Leonardo: *kill the viewers’ buzz. With explicit rating of course*

 

Episode 6

  
  
Leonardo: *runs a string through Lucrezia’s ring and hangs it on his neck near the key*  
Viewers: Well, it’s not so discreet…  
Viewers: Given your penchant for neck cuts right to your belly-button.  
Leonardo: Shoo! Get out of my head!  
Leonardo: I have enough voices in there even without yours!   
+++  
  
The Turk: Leonardo! Find the Book of Leaves!  
Leonardo: I know, I know, I’ve already got the map.  
The Turk: That’s not the right map.  
The Turk: I mean that’s right, but not completely right.   
The Turk: Just as it should be in any decent quest.  
Leonardo: And where’s the right map?  
The Turk: The cartographer has it.   
Leonardo: Sounds logical enough.  
Leonardo: And where’s the cartographer?  
The Turk: *spins a coin*  
The Turk: He’s held captive by Vlad the Third.  
The Turk: *spins a coin*  
The Turk: Save the cartographer, Leonardo!  
Leonardo: *wakes up*  
Leonardo: *realizes he’s riding through a valley next to another horseman*  
Horseman: *very mysteriously* What a quirky coin, eh?  
Horseman: *very mysteriously* Almost like in _Inception_.  
Leonardo: ???  
Leonardo: Are you the cartographer?  
Leonardo: I thought I was to save you, no?  
Horseman: *very mysteriously* Not here and not now.   
Leonardo: *wakes up*  
Leonardo: *realizes he’s riding through the forest next to Zo and Nico*  
Leonardo: Where am I? Who am I?  
Zo and Nico: ???  
Zo: You woke us in the middle of the night and made go shopping…  
Viewers: To a 24-hour supermarket apparently…  
Zo: And then we hit the road.  
Zo: And we’ve been travelling for 2 weeks already.  
Zo: And by the way, we’re here.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
Leonardo: I should have taken only one Dramamine, not five…  
Vlad: Yeah, exactly.  
+++  
  
**In** **the** **Vatican** **.  
** NotRP: Hey, I don’t get it, why are there so many people here?  
NotRP: Is it my bathtime or am I a zoo for you folks?  
Lucrezia: da Vinci went somewhere. Lorenzo went somewhere. So I went, too.  
NotRP: Somewhere?  
Lucrezia: Here.   
NotRP: I know Lorenzo’s going to make a military alliance and conquer us!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: But…  
NotRP: *tries to drown the cardinal in the jacuzzi*  
Riario: But…  
NotRP: *beats up Riario*  
Lucrezia: *stays silent wisely*  
NotRP: Here, that’s what happens with those who bother me when I’m having a jacuzzi.   
Everyone: Well, sh*t…  
+++  
  
Vlad: Let’s party!  
Vlad: *offers all kinds of cute homely amusements – human-baiting and things like that*  
Vlad: A little party never killed nobody.  
Vlad: Don’t try and tell me that I’m not a hospitable master.  
Leonardo & Company: *poison their hospitable master*  
Leonardo & Company: *set their hospitable master afire*  
Leonardo & Company: *defenestrate their hospitable master*  
Leonardo & Company: *steal the cartographer out of the torture device and make off*  
Vlad: A little party never killed nobody as I’ve already said.  
Vlad: Hehehe.  
+++  
  
Riario: I've sent Lucrezia away from Rome.  
Riario: Kill her when she leaves the city.   
Soldier: Is it His Holiness who ordered this?  
Riario: No.  
Riario: It’s my bruised ego.  
+++  
  
Cartographer: *is going to die on the way*  
Cartographer: The second key is in Rome.   
Cartographer: And the cipher key is tattooed on my skin.   
Cartographer: You’ll have to cut it loose and take it with you.   
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
Leonardo: It would be so much easier if a smartphone was already invented.   
Leonardo: Or at least a P&S camera…

 

Episode 7

  
  
**In the pauper's graveyard.**    
Leonardo: I’ve invented a spyglass!  
Riario: *lays a bouquet of flowers*   
Riario: I’m flattered you invented something because of me.   
Leonardo: It’s not because of you at all!  
Leonardo: In fact, you have no idea we’ve been watching you for days.  
Leonardo: So keep your trap shut!  
Riario: Okay…  
Zo: *looks through the spyglass, too* The surname on the headstone is Jewish.   
Leonardo: She must be Riario’s close relative.   
Zo: What gave you this idea?  
Leonardo: *sighs* Because you can see all the sorrows of the Jewish people in his eyes.  
Leonardo: Even though he’s a villain.   
+++  
  
Leonardo: That’s strange actually. The cartographer said the key was in Rome.  
Zo: My long-overfull bladder and I don’t want to upset you,  
Zo: But Rome isn’t limited to Count Riario.   
Leonardo, Zo and Nico: *admire the cityscape*  
Leonardo: Yes, Rome is huge.   
Leonardo: That’s why I’m perfectly sure the key is in the Vatican's Secret Archives.   
Zo and Nico: ???  
Zo and Nico: L – Logic.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *thinks about the ways to sneak to the Vatican*  
Leonardo: *and treats himself to some legal smoking blends because why not*  
Lucrezia: Hello, Leonardo.   
Leonardo: Lucrezia? What are you doing in Rome?  
Lucrezia: Why? I’m sp… Doh!  
Lucrezia: I mean that’s not me who’s in Rome.  
Lucrezia: That’s you who’s not in Rome.   
Leonardo: *thinks* Oh, even my genius intellect capitulates here.  
Leonardo: *thinks* Probably, it’s that mysterious woman's reason.   
Lucrezia: In fact, I’m here to tell you that you don’t love me.   
Leonardo: But…  
Lucrezia: And I even presented you a ring!  
Lucrezia: Though it’s supposed to be the other way around.  
Lucrezia: And you keep being tight as a clam!   
Leonardo: But…  
Lucrezia: Our love is gone!  
Lucrezia: *stabs Leonardo with a knife*  
Leonardo: Aaaaaaaah!  
Leonardo: *wakes up*  
Leonardo: *refreshes himself by plunging his head into a barrel with water*  
Leonardo: *admires bubbles*  
Leonardo: *insight* I’ve invented a diving suit!  
Leonardo: I’ve just invented it, but for some reason it’s already in my notebook.  
Leonardo: Well, I happen to be really far-sighted.  
Leonardo: *shakes awake Zo and Nico who sleep there on the floor*  
Leonardo: Get up and go shopping!  
Leonardo: I’m going to sneak to the Vatican like all real heroes do it!  
Leonardo: Through the sewer!  
Zo and Nico: Well, sh*t…  
+++  
  
**In** **the** **baths** **.  
** NotRP: *is going to have a bath before a crowd gathers again*  
However, the water starts to leak away really fast through the hole in the bottom of the pool.   
NotRP: What the …?   
NotRP: What on earth happened with my jacuzzi this time?  
Leonardo: *emerges from the remaining water and clouds of steam slowly and with great panache*  
Leonardo: Look at me, I’m like Terminator, only in reverse!  
NotRP: …  
Leonardo: Do they give tours of the Vatican here?  
Leonardo: I have a ticket!   
Leonardo: *points his crossbow at NotRP*  
NotRP: *realizes his bathing is delayed again* Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In the Vatican's Secret Archives.**  
NotRP: *temptingly* Just look at all these treasures!  
NotRP: Wouldn’t you like me to incarce…  
NotRP: …eh, to appoint you as explorer of the Secret Archives?   
NotRP: *confiscates the crossbow gently while Leonardo stares at everything*  
Leonardo: Wow… A dragon’s skull!   
Leonardo: Wow… The sword of King Arthur!  
Leonardo: Wow… Tesseract???  
Leonardo: Oh, I think it’s from a different movie…  
Leonardo: *reaches for the sword reflexively with evident intentions*  
NotRP: *temptingly* And here’s the Spear of Destiny.   
NotRP: It’s hard like 96%vol Polish vodka.  
NotRP: It can pierce literally anything.  
NotRP: And here’s a page from the Book of Leaves which you’re searching for so strenuously.  
Leonardo: Aw, I think I’m going to agree…  
NotRP: Hehehe.  
+++  
  
**In the baths.  
** Riario: *breaks in*  
Riario: *the previous incident taught him nothing*  
Riario: Holy Father?  
Riario: *sees the hole and the diving suit in it*  
Riario: *to the guards* Find the intruder immediately!  
Riario: *to himself* Wow, a new fancy suit.  
Riario: *to himself* I must try it on!  
+++  
  
**In the Vatican's Secret Archives.**  
NotRP: *stops the guards*  
NotRP: Kiss my ring and you've got a deal.  
Leonardo: No way, Jose!   
Leonardo: It’s anti-sanitary.  
Leonardo: Besides, I heard your tongue-slip.  
Leonardo: You want to incarcerate me here!  
NotRP: Guards, take him!  
Leonardo: *sprints through the corridors long and fast, fighting his way against the guards with the Spear of Destiny really irreverently*  
+++  
  
**On the river bank.**  
A diver crawls out of the river.  
Zo: Leo, thank Heaven!  
Zo: I can't believe you stuck it to that fool Riario!  
Zo: I wish I could see his face when he figures it out.…  
Diver >Riario: *removes the headpiece* Then enjoy the view, bitch.  
Zo: Well, sh*t!  
Zo and Riario: *fight*  
Riario: *grabs the knife*  
Riario: Where is da Vinci!?  
Zo: That’s what I want to ask you!   
Riario: Ah, you don’t want to make your head sing? Then I’ll cut off some unneeded body parts of yours!  
Riario: It just so happens that the Vatican choir has vacant places this year!  
Zo: Stop, why unneeded? Very much needed!  
Nico: *comes from behind a la the revengeful Girl with an Oar*  
Nico: BANG!  
Riario: *faints* Well, sh*t…  
+++  
  
**In** **the** **Vatican** **.  
** Leonardo: *was in quite a hurry to scuttle off through the window, but stopped to have a chat with RP*  
Leonardo: On the grounds of the lullaby which you’re crooning now and which Lucrezia sang I deduce that she’s your daughter.  
RP: Yep.  
Leonardo: But she didn’t tell me you were sitting in a cage in the Vatican.   
Leonardo: And she doesn’t want to dump Lorenzo though she sleeps with me.    
Leonardo: And she despises Riario though she's barely met him.   
Leonardo: Or not barely?  
RP: Yep.  
Leonardo: One minute…  
Leonardo: *puts two and two together*  
Leonardo: * puts three and eight together*  
Leonardo: *puts four thousand eighty seven and three four together*  
Leonardo: So it’s Lucrezia who spies for Rome!  
Leonardo: She feeds my secrets to Riario to set you free!   
RP: Yep.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t…  
+++  
  
**On the river bank.  
** Riario: *comes round*  
Nico: Do you know who I am?  
Riario: Sure, you’re Nico.  
Riario: Just Nico.   
Riario: You aren’t old enough to list your titles for three minutes.   
Nico: WHERE’S MY MAESTRO?  
Riario: I'm supposed to be asking this!  
Nico: *knifes Riario in the face*  
Riario: Hehehe, I’m not afraid.  
Nico: *knifes Riario in the hand*  
Riario: Hehehe, I’m not afraid.  
Nico: *knifes Riario in the chest*  
Riario: Hey, watch it! You could kill me!  
The knife is caught on something metal.   
Nico and Zo: The second key!  
Riario: Well, sh*t…  
+++  
  
**In** **the** **Vatican** **.  
** Leonardo: *unlocks RP’s cell*  
Leonardo: Here, get out and then Lucrezia won’t have to spy anymore.  
RP: Nah, I'm quite content here.   
Leonardo: Well, as you wish.  
Leonardo: *scuttles off through the window*  
+++  
  
**On the river bank.**  
Leonardo: *extremely upset* I didn’t manage to find the key.  
Nico and Zo: SURPRISE!  
Riario: *tied to a tree and gagged*  
Riario: *his shirt is open conveniently, exposing his chest and stomach: gift-wrapped with a bow so to speak*  
Leonardo: *removes the gag*  
Leonardo: *stares at Riario’s chest* The key!  
Viewers: *stare at Riario’s chest, too* Are you seriously thinking only about the key?  
Leonardo: *takes the key and hangs it on his neck near the first one*  
Riario: I will follow you to the end of the earth…  
Viewers: AWWWWW!!!  
Riario: …to retrieve what’s mine.  
Viewers: Bummer.  
+++

  
**Somewhere in the countryside.  
** Lucrezia: *rides a horse, dressed in red and covered with bells*  
Lucrezia: I’m inconspicuous!   
Lucrezia: I’m totally inconspicuous!  
Roman soldiers: Look, what a weird woman.   
Roman soldiers: Dressed in red and covered with bells.  
Roman soldiers: It’s safer to get around.  
Lucrezia: Hehehe.   
Roman soldiers: On the second thought… Stop.   
Roman soldiers: What if she’s Lucrezia in disguise?  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.  
Giuliano: *happens to ride past and kills all Roman soldiers*  
Lucrezia: *doesn’t appreciate this moral impulse and knifes Giuliano*  
Giuliano: *floats in the lake with a wound in his stomach*  
Giuliano: Well, sh*t…

 

Episode 8

  
  
**~~THEN~~. X years ago.   
** SSS: *hold a meeting in a picturesque place, cut a fish’s belly and utter eerie and vague prophecies*  
SSS: Someone should keep this astrolabe safe: probably the boy ~~who lived~~ from Vinci will need it in the days to come.  
SSS: Let it be kept by the one who’ll live ‘til those days.  
SSS: *think in chorus* I hope it won’t be me.   
Music: The theme from _Survivor_.   
+++  
  
**Florence. Our time. Or rather theirs.**  
Leonardo: *going to leave for America* I’ll miss you.   
Zo and Nico: No way! You're not getting away from us that easily!  
Leonardo: Great.   
Leonardo: We’ll sail through the Canary Islands.  
Leonardo: Come over to Fuerteventura.  
Leonardo: They say it’s perfect for diving at this time of the year.  
Zo and Nico: *faintly* He hasn’t had enough diving yet…  
Leonardo: But first I need to have a quick word with Lorenzo.   
Leonardo: Besides, I can see a Turkish falcon and I feel an immediate need to chase it.  
Leonardo: *chases the falcon a la Alexander and the eagle*  
Zo: Well, sh*t.   
Zo: Has he already forgotten America?   
+++  
  
The marriage between Giuliano and a noble dame from the distinguished Florentine family of Pazzi. The groom is late.  
Clarice: That’s strange.  
Clarice: Usually it’s the bride who runs away from a wedding.   
Clarice: Are you sure he said yes?  
Lorenzo: They didn’t make marriage vows yet.   
Clarice: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Falcon: *leads Leonardo to its master*  
Leonardo: Well, well, the Turkish falcon. Looks logical enough.   
The Turk: *very mysteriously* So, are you going to sail for our precious little book?  
The Turk: You’ve got the keys, you’ve got the map, you’ve got almost everything actually.   
Leonardo: The Pope told me you were an agent of the Ottomans.  
Leonardo: I don’t trust you.  
Leonardo: I don’t trust the Pope, either.   
Leonardo: You are all blatantly manipulating me.  
The Turk: I didn't even think about it.   
The Turk: By the way, you do want to find your mom, don’t you?  
Leonardo: Sure!  
The Turk: Then find the astrolabe in the tomb,  
The Turk: Board the ship called the Basilisk  
The Turk: And get us that book.   
The Turk: On your mark, get set, go!  
Leonardo: Yes sir!  
+++  
  
The Pazzi conspirators: Oh! Let us kill Lorenzo and Giuliano.   
The Pazzi conspirators: And stage a coup!  
Riario: *in exquisite posture and sunglasses*  
Riario: You suck at staging coups.   
Riario: You didn’t even manage to finish off Giuliano.   
Riario: I have a better plan.  
Riario: We will poison their family in the very act of taking Holy Communion in the church.  
Riario: Both Lorenzo,  
Riario: And Lorenzo’s wife,  
Riario: And all their daughters.  
Riario: And then we’ll stage a coup.  
The Pazzi conspirators: What a magnificent plan!  
Riario: Well, aren’t I evil?  
Riario: Aren’t I cunning?  
Riario: Hehehe.  
+++  
  
Lucrezia: I’m here to come clean!  
Leonardo: I already know everything.   
Leonardo: Of course I’d like to kill you, but I’m pretty busy right now.   
Leonardo: Also I’d like to make peace with you (with explicit rating of course),  
Leonardo: But I’m really busy right now.   
Leonardo: My ~~taxi~~ ship leaves in an hour.  
Lucrezia: The Pazzi and Riario want to kill Lorenzo.   
Leonardo: Good luck with that.   
Lucrezia: They’ll take over Florence.   
Leonardo: Good luck with that, too.   
Leonardo: Florence called me a bastard and sodomite.   
Leonardo: So I took offence and now I’m going to America.   
Leonardo: That’s it!  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t…  
+++  
  
**In the church.  
** Lorenzo: *almost eats bread*  
Not finished off Giuliano: *bursts into the church*  
The Pazzi conspirators: Well, sh*t.  
The Pazzi conspirators: Let’s kill ‘em all!!!  
+++  
  
**At the dock.**    
Leonardo: Oh no, I can’t.   
Zo and Nico: ???  
Leonardo: I must run and save Lorenzo.   
Zo and Nico: ???  
Leonardo: *runs away* Stall the ship!  
Leonardo: *runs away* Tell them I forgot to turn off an iron!  
Zo and Nico: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**In the church.  
** Everyone is killing everyone happily. Someone manages to finish off Giuliano. Someone attempts to behead Lorenzo and partly succeeds.  
Leonardo: *takes Lorenzo and locks them both in the sacristy*   
Lorenzo: *bleeds profusely* It’s not fair.   
Lorenzo: *bleeds profusely* Wikipedia says I was slightly injured in the throat.   
Lorenzo: *bleeds profusely* If this is ‘slightly’ then you bed Lucrezia.  
Leonardo: Erm… weeeell…  
Lorenzo: What?! You do bed Lucrezia???  
Lorenzo: That’s it! If you save me I’ll kill you!!!  
Leonardo: Of course I’ll save you!  
On the other side of the door.   
Riario: Someone’s going to experience God's vengeance…  
Riario: *grabs a mini-bazooka*  
Riario: Halleluiah, losers!  
Mini-bazooka: BANG!!! 

THE END OF THE FIRST ACT  
  
**Teaser:**  
In the second act you’re about to see:   
Leonardo – marries into ~~money~~ the Book of Leaves.  
Zo and Lucrezia – conceive a passion for ~~each other~~ bathing in the open sea.   
Riario and Nico – share an orange.   
And a whole load of other exciting things. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Act 2**  
Episode 1

  
  
Riario: Someone’s going to experience God's vengeance…  
Riario: *grabs a mini-bazooka*  
Riario: Halleluiah, losers!  
Mini-bazooka: BANG!!!   
The door is blown to pieces, but the room is empty.   
Riario: da Vinci!  
Riario: Don’t say you’ve invented a teleporter!  
Riario: *sees a trap-door*  
Riario: Thank God…  
Riario: You all do what you want.  
Riario: You may take over Florence or stage coups.  
Riario: As for me, I’m going after da Vinci.   
Everyone: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Lorenzo and Leonardo: *are crawling through the wet tunnels under the church, and their groans are sure to be heard across the whole city*  
Riario  & Company: Freeze! We’ve caught you!  
Leonardo: *wins the mini-bazooka in a fair fight*  
Leonardo: Freeze! Or I’ll shoot!  
Riario & Company: Then shoot!  
Riario & Company: You won’t be able to kill all of us!  
Riario & Company: *retreat behind the wall prudently*  
Leonardo: *shoots at the arch ceiling arranging a small collapse*  
Riario & Company: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
Riario: *threatens Lucrezia with a knife* Where is the Vault of Heaven?  
Lucrezia: How would I know?  
Riario: da Vinci must at least have said something to you?  
Lucrezia: He said my manicure was beautiful.   
Lucrezia: He also said my hairdo was beautiful.  
Lucrezia: And…  
Riario: I'll clobber you, whop you and gouge your blinkers out.  
Lucrezia: And he also said he was boarding a ship called the Basilisk and sailing to America.    
Riario: Oh, I see.   
Riario: That’s it! We’re going to drop everything and go to the dock.   
Company: Easy, tiger. Shouldn’t we take over Florence first?  
Riario: I don’t want your Florence!  
Riario: I want da Vinci!  
Company: Hmmm?  
Riario:… erm…  
Riario: I mean I want the Book of Leaves with all the secrets of the universe and I don’t want da Vinci to get to it first.  
Company: Okay, we kinda believe you.  
Company: And still, we won’t go with you.   
Company: The Pope ordered us to take over Florence.  
Riario: Well, sh*t.   
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: On second thought…  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: Go. I’ll give you people and finance your journey.  
Riario: *suspiciously* And how come you are now into charity?  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: When you are falling off the edge of the world  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: Catch it on video and upload it to YouTube.  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: We’ll watch it here and have a good laugh.   
Riario: I accept your offer.   
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: MWAH!  
Riario: *to himself* Feh…  
Riario: *to himself* Florence has a bad influence on people.   
Riario: *to himself* Slash is in the very air here.   
+++  
  
The Turk: Leonardo, why aren’t you on the ship yet?  
Leonardo: Aaaaah!  
Leonardo: What are you doing in my bed???  
Vanessa: It’s me. The city is in chaos and Lorenzo’s going to die.   
Leonardo: No way!   
Leonardo: I’ve invented blood transfusion!  
Viewers: But what about blood compatibility? And Rh factor?  
Leonardo: Nah, never heard about it.  
Leonardo: But if you really insist we can wash our hands.   
Leonardo’s maestro Andrea: And how much should we transfuse?  
Leonardo: Well, can you see that Lorenzo’s blue and I’m pink?  
Andrea and Vanessa: Yes, we can.   
Leonardo: When it turns the other way round then it’s enough.   
Andrea and Vanessa: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Lucrezia: О, Leonardo, finally we’re going to be together!  
Leonardo: Where am I?  
Lucrezia: In the room with a big bed.   
Leonardo: Oh yessss.  
Leonardo and Lucrezia: *are going to make peace (with explicit rating of course)*  
Door: BANG!  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.   
Leonardo: *sees Lorenzo*   
Leonardo: *sees Vanessa*   
Leonardo: *sees Zo*   
Leonardo: *sees dad*  
Leonardo: *sees Nico*   
Leonardo: *sees Riario*  
Leonardo: Oh, what do they all want?  
Lucrezia: You of course.   
Leonardo: Wow, I’m so popular!   
Leonardo: *follows young!Leonardo who follows a sheep*  
Leonardo: *comes round*  
Leonardo: Something’s wrong with me.  
Leonardo: I see light  
Leonardo: And hear angels singing.  
Andrea and Vanessa: No sh*t Sherlock.  
Andrea: It happens to people after they lose a couple of pints of blood.   
Andrea: Let's call it a day.   
Andrea: I’m not sure if Lorenzo’s pink enough by now,   
Andrea: But you look like death warmed up.   
+++  
  
Riario: *is going to leave*  
Slave girl Zita: Take me with you!  
Riario: I can’t.   
Riario: It’s dangerous and I may be forced to do terrible things.  
Slave girl Zita: You can’t scare a hotdog with a sausage.  
Riario: What?  
Slave girl Zita: What?  
Slave girl Zita: I mean the Holy Father will beat me, and I’ll die without you.  
Riario: Okay, you can come with me.   
+++  
  
NotRP: *cuts flowers*  
Soldier: *reports* Giuliano is dead, Lorenzo is almost dead.   
NotRP: “Almost” never killed a fly.   
NotRP: Where is my nephew?  
Soldier: He suddenly realized he could use some fresh ocean air,   
Soldier: So he went on a cruise.   
NotRP: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**On** **the** **Basilisk** **.**    
Zo and Nico: Could you delay departure for 15 minutes?  
Zo and Nico: For maximum an hour.   
Zo and Nico: No more than for half a day, honestly.  
Zo and Nico: If our friend doesn’t arrive within 24 hours we can leave without him.   
Zo and Nico: He forgot to turn off an iron.   
Zo and Nico: You know those artists, they are so absentminded…  
Captain: …  
Riario: Alas, I appropriated this ship.  
Riario: Now she’s mine.   
Riario: Thus, everything and everyone on board is mine, too.   
Riario: Nice to see you again.   
Zo and Nico: Well, sh*t.   
Riario: *ransacks the bag* What nice things have you got for me?  
Riario: Oh, the map.   
Riario: Oh, the codes which complete the map.   
Riario: Oh, an astrolabe.   
Riario: Oh, sea sickness pills.  
Riario: Oh, Royal Caribbean luggage tags…  
Riario: Amazing. All these things are very useful.   
Riario: Especially the luggage tags.  
Riario: But where’re the keys?  
Nico: Maestro has them!  
Nico: Suck it!  
Lucrezia: da Vinci will find you!  
Riario: But he won’t find you.  
Riario: However deep he can try to dive.   
Riario: *points at Lucrezia* Waste her.  
Riario: *points at Zo* Waste him.   
Riario: *points at Nico* As for this one, I’ll keep him.  
Soldiers: *leave Nico and draw Zo and Lucrezia away*  
Nico: *runs after them* Hey, no, I want to be wasted, too!   
Riario: *toying with the astrolabe* Hehehe.   
+++  
  
Zo and Lucrezia: *chained, on the plank over the ocean*  
Riario: Rest in peace. Amen.   
Zo: *to Lucrezia* Heigh-ho, I regret we have never done the Thing.   
Lucrezia: Then let me kiss you at least.   
Zo and Lucrezia: *kiss*  
Viewers: Wrong timing, guys.   
Zo: She’s passed me a hairpin, you vulgarians.  
Zo: Just don’t tell on us.   
Viewers: Oh, that’s how it is….  
Zo and Lucrezia: *fall into the ocean*  
+++  
  
The Turk: Enough! I’m sick and tired of being good and kind!  
The Turk: Leonardo, you flushed all our plans down the toilet and disappointed us!  
The Turk: Loser!  
Leonardo: But SSS…  
Horned skull in a cloak: We’re not SSS.  
Horned skull in a cloak: We are S_SS!   
Horned skull in a cloak: Those are totally different.   
Horned skull in a cloak: BWAHAHA!  
+++  
  
Lorenzo: *comes round*  
Lorenzo: *first things first, casts a misty eye on almost lifeless Leonardo*  
Lorenzo: Well, I have no idea what happened here, but I’m going to keep my promise.   
Lorenzo: *mounts Leonardo clumsily*  
Andrea: *comes running* What on earth are you doing?!  
Viewers: Mmmm, what a nice view.   
Viewers: These leather trousers are kind of nice, too.   
Lorenzo: Don’t you dare spoil the dramatic finale of the episode!  
Viewers: Well, okay…  
Lorenzo: *grabs a knife* Die!  
Viewers: Well, sh*t.

Episode 2

  
  
Lorenzo: Fess up, have you experimented on me?!  
Leonardo: *instantly gets much better*   
Leonardo: *lectures Lorenzo on blood transfusion, trying to fit it in five seconds*  
Lorenzo: By the way, where’s my brother?  
Vanessa: Do you want to hear good news or bad news first?  
Lorenzo: Good.   
Vanessa: He fought like a lion and besides, they say Paradise has some beautiful views and delicious ambrosia.   
Lorenzo: Well, sh*t.  
Lorenzo: I think I could use some fresh air.  
Leonardo: I wouldn’t recommend it.   
+++  
  
Leonardo and Lorenzo: *look out of the window*  
Florence: *total mayhem*  
The Pazzi conspirators: Death to the Medici!  
Crowd: Death to the Medici!  
Lorenzo: You know I think I’ve had enough fresh air.   
+++  
  
Zo and Lucrezia: *come to the ocean surface*  
Lucrezia: Finish what you started.  
Lucrezia: Remove my…   
Zo: Right here?  
Zo: *jumps on Lucrezia with kisses*  
Zo: Oh yes, I totally love extreme sex!  
Lucrezia: No, dumbhead!  
Lucrezia: I mean remove my chains!  
Zo: Bummer…  
+++  
  
**On the Basilisk.**    
Riario: Now you see that da Vinci doesn’t love you at all. He’s dumped you for Lorenzo.   
Nico: *in a cage* …  
Riario: As I’ve already mentioned though, it’s better to be feared than loved.  
Nico: …  
Nico: *thinks* When I grow up and become a famous politician and philosopher  
Nico: *thinks* I’ll quote you in my super mega popular treatise.  
Nico: *thinks* But I won’t add you to the reference list!  
Nico: *thinks* It’ll be my revenge.  
+++  
  
Florence: *total mayhem*  
The Pazzi conspirators: Death to the Medici!  
Crowd: Death to the Medici!  
Leonardo: I have an idea!  
Leonardo: You have to shout down the Pazzi!  
Lorenzo: Probably you didn’t notice it, but shouting with a half-sliced throat is a bit difficult.  
Leonardo: No prob.   
Leonardo: I’ve invented a loud-speaker.   
Lorenzo: *shouts down the Pazzi*  
Lorenzo: Florence forever!  
Crowd: Palle! Florence forever!  
Lorenzo: Death to the Pazzi!  
Crowd: Palle! Death to the Pazzi!  
The Pazzi conspirators: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Lorenzo: You were going to leave?  
Leonardo: Yep.   
Lorenzo: So you don’t want to stay here and make weapons for me?  
Leonardo: Nope.   
Lorenzo: Bug off then.   
Lorenzo: But I’m not giving you any money.   
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**On the Basilisk.**    
Zita: My lord?  
Riario: *is working* Yes?  
Zita: Don’t you think it’s unfair that all your scenes are PG-rated?  
Riario: Why so? They’re not PG-rated!  
Riario: I constantly kill people left and right.  
Zita: It’s not about that.  
Riario: Well, that’s true…  
Riario It’s unfair.  
Riario: Everyone has already had bedroom scenes.   
Riario: Someone – I’m not pointing fingers – has already had more than one or two.  
Riario: But I had none.  
Riario and Zita: *correct this unfortunate piece of injustice. With explicit rating of course*  
+++  
  
**In the workshop.**    
Leonardo: *is lying on the table*  
Leonardo: Tell me about Daedalus and Icarus.  
Andrea: Sure, my boy.   
Leonardo: *tells himself about Daedalus and Icarus*  
Andrea: Sure, my boy.  
Leonardo: Is flying a sin or invention?  
Andrea: Sure, my boy.  
Leonardo: The two aren't mutually exclusive I guess. Look there’s a bull on this coin…  
Andrea: Sure, my boy.  
Zo: Hi there! Why aren’t you meeting me with flowers?  
Leonardo: You didn’t sail away?  
Zo: I did. But then I swam back.  
Zo: Breaststroke.   
Leonardo: ???  
Leonardo: Where is Nico?  
Zo: I believe he’s on a deck-chair next to Riario’s.   
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
Lucrezia: Leonardo, I’m still willing to make peace with you.   
Lucrezia: And as proof I want to recommend to you the dude called Amerigo Vespucci who will probably be able to help you with a ship and maps.  
Leonardo: Okay!  
Leonardo and Lucrezia: Make friends, make friends, never never break friends.   
Lucrezia: Of course I’d like to make peace with explicit rating, but there’re too many people here.  
Lucrezia: For this reason, let’s just weep together.   
Leonardo and Lucrezia: *weep*  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *visit Vespucci*  
Girl: Alas, papa has just passed away.   
Zo: Well, sh*t.   
Leonardo: *punches the body lying in the coffin as hard as he can*  
Body/Vespucci: *comes to life*  
Viewers: Leonardo, have you really invented CPR and a chest thrust?  
Vespucci: No, I just played possum.  
Vespucci: They stole a ship from you?  
Leonardo: Yep.   
Vespucci: Then let us steal a ship from them.   
Leonardo: Why didn't I think of that?  
+++  
  
Vanessa: I thought I had worms,  
Vanessa: But it turns out I’ll have a baby.   
Clarice: Giuliano’s baby, that’s important.   
Clarice: That’s why you’re going to live here.   
Clarice: Your future baby needs prenatal care, lack of stress and plenty of classical music.   
Vanessa: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Lorenzo: I thought about what you’d said.   
Lorenzo: I was wrong.   
Lorenzo: The Book of Leaves is more important than weapons.   
Lorenzo: Go and bring it to us  
Lorenzo: For freedom of Florence and its people.   
Leonardo: Okay!  
Lorenzo: I’m also presenting our family sword to you.   
Lorenzo: Brother.   
Leonardo: Okay!  
Lorenzo: But I’m still not giving you any money.   
Leonardo: Well, sh*t. 

 

Episode 3

  
  
**In the dock.**    
Leonardo: *cosplays Riario*  
Leonardo: Do you know who I am?  
Captain: Sure thing.  
Leonardo:  ~~I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle~~. I need your ship.  
Captain: I’d like to give the Sentinel to you, but first I should ask permission from Duke Alfonso since we carry slaves for his father.   
Duke Alfonso: No, you’re not Riario.  
Duke Alfonso: When Riario wears these stupid sunglasses and this stupid fedora they don’t look so stupid on him.  
Duke Alfonso: *draws two swords* By the way, I’m ambidextrous, too.  
Duke Alfonso: Hehehe.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: *withdraws ~~hastily~~ strategically after a short fight*  
+++  
  
NotRP: I’m excommunicating Florence.  
NotRP: Every person herein.   
NotRP: Shame on them.   
Company: God, how awful!  
Florence: Bamboleo!  
Florence: *drag the Pazzi’s corpses along the streets and have as much fun as they used to*  
+++  
  
**In the dock.**  
Leonardo, Zo and Vespucci: *wander around the fish market and think about what to do next*  
Leonardo: We need to get to the ship and free the slaves.  
Vespucci: The chaos of slave rebellion would help us take over the Sentinel.  
Leonardo: Exactly.   
Leonardo: *sketches*  
Leonardo: I can invent specially fitted pontoons which allow us to walk on water,  
Leonardo: But we’ll be shot down on sight.  
Leonardo: I can invent a sea battering ram,  
Leonardo: But it’ll leave nothing to be taken over.  
Zo: You’re free to invent whatever you like, just don’t strap me into a catapult.   
Leonardo: Weeell… It’s a nice id…  
Vespucci: Here, look, Duke Alfonso went ahead and had the Wanted posters with your face pinned here and there.  
Leonardo: This composite portrait sucks.   
Leonardo: No one will recognize me like that.   
Leonardo: *sketches a more realistic portrait*  
Leonardo: Probably I should ask him to hire me as part-time composite sketch artist?  
Leonardo: Here, take this one and pin it to the post.   
Vespucci: ???  
Leonardo: *tries to find inspiration in various sea creatures*  
Vespucci and Zo: *exchange gay jokes*  
Leonardo: Tentacles, tentacles, I need tentacles…  
Viewers: Wow, it’s getting even more interesting!  
Leonardo: Bingo!  
+++  
  
Lorenzo: Well, bamboleo is undoubtedly great,   
Lorenzo: However, it smells of trouble.    
Lorenzo: If Naples forms an alliance with the Pope   
Lorenzo: They’ll take over all Italian lands.   
Lorenzo: That’s why I’m taking my notary and we’re going to Naples undercover  
Lorenzo: To confront its king and his court directly.   
Lorenzo: Thus, they’ll see how knightly and self-sacrificing I am,  
Lorenzo: So they’ll think again and won’t form an alliance with the Pope.  
Lorenzo: Meanwhile my wife will rule the city for me.   
Lorenzo: Do you like my magnificent idea?  
Clarice: Erm…  
Notary/Daddy da Vinci: Well, sh*t…  
+++  
  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *dozes in a palanquin*  
Cool Asian dude: *bounces from one roof to another with a crossbow a la Assassin's Creed*  
Cool Asian dude: *shoots the porters*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Well, sh*t.   
Lucrezia: Rummage through the palace and find RP.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: What is RP?  
Lucrezia: You’ll see.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Great.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: I have to find I-don’t-know-what.   
+++  
  
Zo: What are you inventing?  
Leonardo: A mechanical trouturtloctopus.   
Zo: Pardon me?  
Leonardo: A submarine.   
Zo: Ahhh…  
+++  
  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *finds RP*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Oh my God.   
RP: You can call me just the Pope.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Well, sh*t.  
RP: Your Pope is not real Pope.  
RP: If you need any proof, go and ask him why he’s called Sixtus.  
RP: If he answers he took this name after Pope Sixtus III then he’s an impostor.  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *travel by the submarine*  
Submarine: *no leakage*  
+++  
  
**On the Sentinel.**  
Vespucci: I’m here to lead you to da Vinci.   
Duke Alfonso: Cool, but I don’t believe you.   
Duke Alfonso: On the other hand, your words are worth checking out.   
Duke Alfonso: Meanwhile I’ll go and torture the slaves.   
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *travel by the submarine*  
Submarine: *no leakage*  
+++  
  
Clarice: *rules Florence*  
Stranger: Hi.   
Clarice: Who are you?  
Stranger: I’m your relative.   
Clarice: Why are you suddenly Afro-Italian?  
Stranger: I am Lorenzo's grandfather’s son.  
Stranger: Illegitimate.  
Viewers: An excuse for all of life's emergencies.   
Stranger: Carlo de Medici. Nice to meet you.  
Clarice: Nice to meet you, dear relative.   
Clarice: *thinks* Where the hell are they all coming from?   
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *travel by the submarine*  
Submarine: *starts leaking*  
Submarine: *loses air*  
Viewers: Like there was any doubt.  
+++  
  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Pope Sixtus, why are you called Sixtus?  
NotRP: You know it.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Goldfish memory is a nice ailment: nothing hurts and you have really interesting news every day.  
NotRP: After Pope Sixtus III, of course.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Ah, now I remember.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *his expression and intonation scream ‘Gotcha!’*  
NotRP: I’m blind, deaf and suspect nothing.  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *have adventures, but get to the ship*  
Vespucci: *sets a small fire to distract the crew*  
Zo: *frees the slaves*  
Leonardo: *crosses swords with Duke Alfonso*  
Duke Alfonso: Ass is grass, da Vinci!  
Slaves: Ass is grass, Duke Alfonso!  
Leonardo: I want your ship.   
Duke Alfonso: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: I’ve found I-don’t-know-what.   
Lucrezia: It’s not I-don’t-know-what.   
Lucrezia: It’s my dad.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Will wonders never cease?   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: It’s too much for an old sick man like me.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Why are all our citizens each other’s relatives?  
+++  
  
**On the Sentinel.**    
Duke Alfonso: Are you telling me you put me and my people on a pinnace sailing back to Pisa?  
Duke Alfonso: You should’ve thrown us to the ocean.   
Viewers: Exactly, take this intelligent piece of advice.   
Leonardo: Nah.   
Leonardo: If I get rid of all my enemies now  
Leonardo: What will we shoot further episodes about?  
Viewers and Duke Alfonso: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**Still on the Sentinel.**    
Leonardo: *fixes the course of the ship*  
The Turk: Surprise.   
Leonardo: How did you get here?  
The Turk: Isn’t it obvious?  
The Turk: I can get anywhere if you’re there.   
The Turk: Even in the loo.   
Leonardo: *thinks* From now on, I won’t set foot in the loo.   
The Turk: With the sweat of my brow I made up your quests in obtaining the map and the astrolabe.  
The Turk: So where are they?  
The Turk: Where’s the map?  
The Turk: Where’s the astrolabe?  
Leonardo: I’m doing okay even without them.   
The Turk: That’s not the point.   
The Turk: You’re straying from the course of the river of time.    
The Turk: And what’s even worse,  
The Turk: You don’t appreciate my working time at all!   
Leonardo: Eeeh…  
Zo: Who are you talking to?  
Leonardo: Nevermind.   
Leonardo: Just my hallucinations.   
Leonardo: Hypoxia caught up with me.   
Zo: Stop cursing.   
Leonardo: …

Episode 4

  
  
**On the Sentinel.**    
Leonardo: *looks through the spyglass from the foredeck* Wow, unidentified celestial bodies!  
Leonardo: ‘til I count them all  
Leonardo: I’m staying right here.   
Zo and Vespucci: Fweet-fweet-fweet.   
Zo and Vespucci: Rapunzel, wakey-wakey in glee! Let down your hair to me!  
Leonardo: I’ll grow my hair only in the next episode.  
Leonardo: So stop spoilering.   
Leonardo: Besides, I’m not sleeping.   
Vespucci: I’ll say. How many nights exactly?  
Vespucci: Everybody on the ship is convinced you're a vampire or something.  
Leonardo: Coffee and Coke.   
Leonardo: Tell them it’s coffee and Coke. Washed down with some brandy.  
Leonardo: You need no vampirism after this cocktail.   
+++  
  
**On** **the** **Basilisk** **.**    
Riario: *is praying*  
Zita: I know that actually you are a beautiful cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure.  
Riario: Nothing of the kind.   
Riario: I’m a stale cinnamon roll,  
Riario: Been in this world too long, too cynical.  
Zita: …  
Zita: By the way, what are you teaching the boy?  
Riario: Dif…  
Viewers: *brightly* Bad things!  
Riario: No, I’m not.  
Riario: Different things which can come in useful in this cruel world.  
Viewers: *brightly* Bad things just as we thought!   
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *leads Lucrezia to RP*  
Lucrezia: Hello, dad.   
RP: Hello, daughter.   
Lucrezia: Finally I found you and now I’ll free you.   
RP: Nah.   
RP: I’m quite content here.   
RP: However, since you decided to visit me  
RP: Let’s watch a sad flashback.   
Lucrezia: *flashback*  
Young Lucrezia and her little sister: …  
Young RP:  ~~Luke, I am your father.~~  Girls, I’m not only the Holy Father, but I’m also your father.  
Little sister: Cool!  
Young NotRP *with soldiers and young long-haired Riario* Not cool at all.  
Young NotRP: Brother, you’re three minutes older than me and our mom loved you more.  
Young NotRP: That’s why I’m going to incarcerate you and become the Pope myself.    
Young NotRP: As for the girls, I’ll dispose of them.   
Young long-haired Riario: *looks a bit like the Sengoku period samurai, melancholic and with centuries-old sadness in his eyes*   
Young long-haired Riario: Dad, I suggest we should spare them to manipulate them later.   
Young long-haired Riario: I will assume the risk.   
Young NotRP: Horsefeathers.  
Young NotRP: On the second thought, okay, I’ll spare them.   
Young NotRP: On the third thought, I was kidding.   
Young NotRP: *wrings Lucrezia’s little sister’s neck*  
Everyone: Well, sh*t.   
Viewers: Oh, we see now, that's the crux.   
Leonardo: *from the ship* Eh? Can you see Crux? Have we crossed the Equator already?  
Viewers: Don’t eavesdrop, it’s not your storyline.   
Young long-haired Riario: *to himself* Sheesh, my beautiful cinnamon roll-ness disguised as cold logic didn’t work.  
Zita: *from the future* I told you!   
Lucrezia: *flashback ends*  
Lucrezia: *to the cool Asian dude* After this flashback I need a little stroll to unwind.   
Lucrezia: For example, to Constantinople.   
+++  
  
Lorenzo and Daddy da Vinci: *travel*  
Lorenzo and Daddy da Vinci: *fight with robbers*  
Lorenzo and Daddy da Vinci: *bury robbers*  
Lorenzo and Daddy da Vinci: *travel some more*  
Lorenzo: It’s so amazing in the countryside!  
Lorenzo: Fresh air…  
Lorenzo: Light physical exercises…  
Daddy da Vinci: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**On the Basilisk.**  
Nico: *in a cage* Why didn’t you kill me?  
Riario: Because I like you.  
Riario: Here, have some orange.  
Nico: *thinks* ???  
Viewers: *think* Slash-slash-slash…  
Nico and Riario: *as we can see from the timeline, they spend quite a lot of time together, but all details remain off-screen, fueling curiosity and imagination*  
Viewers: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
**On** **the** **Sentinel** **.**  
Leonardo: *is lying on the deck and smiling like a brewer's horse*  
Zo: Are you okay?  
Leonardo: No.   
Leonardo: I have knowledge overdose.   
Leonardo: I’ve just invented the heliocentric model.   
Viewers: But Copernic…  
Leonardo: Never heard this name.   
Viewers: Okay…   
+++  
  
Leonardo: *to the slaves* You’ll never be chained again.  
Slaves: Hurray!  
Leonardo: By the way, the Earth is round and it revolves around the Sun.  
Slaves: Ahhh! He’s an evil sorcerer!! Run!!!  
Leonardo: We’ll have to chain you again.  
Slaves: Well, sh*t.  
Viewers: Hey, why do you suddenly speak Russian if you are Circassians?   
Slaves: That’s because we’re Soviet spies in disguise.  
Slaves: But as you’ve uncovered us we’ll have to commit mass suicide.  
Slaves: *commit mass suicide*  
Everyone: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**On the Basilisk.**  
Nico: *in a cage* The Turk said there would be a storm and this ship would sink without Maestro at the helm.   
Riario: Don’t croak about such nonsense.  
Ship: *caught by a storm and is about to sink*  
Nico: Caw caw motherf*cker.  
Riario: Well, sh*t.

 

Episode 5

  
  
**In freshly discovered America.**  
Leonardo: *has upgraded his image*  
Leonardo: Everyone grows Beards of Sorrow and I’ve got Hair of Sorrow!  
Riario: *somewhere nobody knows where* I had Hair of Sorrow when I was younger, but I cut it later   
Riario: Because I wanted everyone to think I’m a ruthless villain and no one to find out what sorrow I feel in reality.  
Viewers: One moment, Leonardo  
Viewers: How long have you been travelling? Half a year? Less?  
Viewers: Is it really possible to grow such a mane of hair in half a year?  
Leonardo: You don’t get this.  
Leonardo: I’m brilliant at everything.  
Leonardo: Including hair growing.   
Viewers: Whatever.  
Viewers: The point is long hair suits you.  
Leonardo: *demurely* Thanks.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *grabs his notebook*  
Leonardo: Just look at this light!  
Leonardo: Just look at these rocks!  
Leonardo: Just look at this verdure!  
Leonardo: *sketches*  
Zo: *looks at the wreckage of the Basilisk*  
Zo: Look, Riario reached this land after all.   
Zo: Even if in fragments.   
Leonardo: That’s really sad, but I’m sketching.   
Zo: Leo, we need to find food.   
Leonardo: Then find it because I’m sketching.   
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Vespucci: I don’t like you, iguana.  
Iguana: I don’t like you, Vespucci.   
Vespucci: …  
Vespucci: I’ll stay on board.   
Vespucci: I’m going to think about how I should call this continent after me.   
Leonardo: Great.   
Leonardo: If we don’t return in three months you can sail home without us.  
+++  
  
**In jail in Naples.**  
Daddy da Vinci: *enjoys the beautiful view of the sea and hanged people*  
Daddy da Vinci: And I used to love visiting Naples.   
Daddy da Vinci: But as far as I remember formerly it was Vesuvius and the Archaeological Museum that they used to show to tourists.   
Lorenzo: You’re right.   
Lorenzo: I guess we should’ve read those travel brochures more attentively…  
+++  
  
Leonardo  & Company: *walk through the jungle waist-deep in water*  
Everyone: Oh, an unknown green snake!  
Leonardo: Oh, an unknown pink flower!  
Zo: Do you want to say venomous beasts don’t attract your attention?  
Leonardo: Nope.   
Leonardo: Flowers are prettier!  
+++  
  
Everyone: *sees a gold idol*  
Company: Wow, gold!  
Leonardo: Wow, the same ornament adorns my key!  
Company: Let’s pick the gold out.  
Leonardo: No!  
Leonardo: I do realize I’m delaying your payment,  
Leonardo: But locals can get angry if they see you picking at their sacred idol with knives.   
Green native: Too late.   
Green native: I’ve already seen you picking at our sacred idol with knives.   
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Alfonso’s wife: *comes to the dungeon* Lorenzo, do you remember how we used to read Virgil together?  
Lorenzo: Hell yeah.   
Lorenzo: Ah, the good old times...   
Duke Alfonso: You! With my wife!  
Duke Alfonso: I’ll knock the hell out of you with those ‘good old times’ and bury you next to Virgil!!!  
Lorenzo: You got it all wrong, okay?   
Lorenzo: We just wanted to talk to your father  
Lorenzo: And ask him not to go to war against Florence.   
Daddy da Vinci: We also wanted to talk to him about quality of vip service for tourists.  
Duke Alfonso: No prob.   
+++  
  
Leonardo & Company: *being held captive by the Incas*  
Leonardo & Company: *tied, go somewhere long and hard*  
Zo: We’re dead.  
Zo: They’re going to eat us.   
Leonardo: No, they are not. They’ve fed us.   
Zo: No, they haven’t.  
Zo: They’ve stuffed us.   
Leonardo: …   
Leonardo: I’ve almost learnt their language.   
Leonardo: I already know how to say ‘I’, ‘we’, ‘go’ and ‘look at this creepy blue native’.   
Blue native: *hits Leonardo in the nose*  
Blue native: Think you're so smart, eh?  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Lorenzo and Daddy da Vinci: *at meal with Duke Alfonso and his wife*  
Duke Alfonso: So, how do you like our vip service?  
Lorenzo and Daddy da Vinci: This Thai fried rice is delicious.  
Alfonso’s wife: It’s not Thai. It’s Neapolitan.  
Alfonso’s wife: I fried it myself.   
Lorenzo and Daddy da Vinci: Very tasty.   
Alfonso’s wife: See, Alfonso, didn’t you say I don’t know how to cook?  
Daddy da Vinci: *falls face down into the rice*  
Lorenzo: Wha..?  
Duke Alfonso: I did and I was absolutely right.   
Lorenzo: *falls face down into the rice*  
Alfonso’s wife: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Leonardo & Company: *are crossing a cornfield*  
Ferocious native men: *emerge from the corn*  
Ferocious native women: *emerge from the corn*  
Feathered priestess: *meets the captives and smiles, allowing them to see how beautiful she is*  
Feathered priestess: *takes the key from Leonardo*  
Leonardo: *thinks* What a beautiful feathered priestess!  
Feathered priestess: *thinks* I know, right?  
+++  
  
Lorenzo: *comes round*  
Lorenzo: *prays to the porcelain god*  
Alfonso’s dad: *is disemboweling someone over the basin*  
Lorenzo: *decides he didn’t pray hard enough*  
Alfonso’s dad: Forgive my daughter-in-law.   
Alfonso’s dad: It was really dark yesternight, so instead of a recipe-book  
Alfonso’s dad: She took the treatise ‘Simple and Effective Poisons at Home’.  
Lorenzo: …  
+++  
  
**Native** **gala** **fest** **.**  
Incas: *put a hoe, a chalice with water and some ~~pop~~ corn in front of the captives*  
Incas: Choose Game!  
Incas: *call on the captive №1*  
Captive №1: *chooses a hoe*  
Incas: NUH-UH!  
Incas: *kill the captive №1*   
Incas: *call on the captive №2*  
Captive №2: *chooses water*  
Incas: NUH-UH!  
Incas: *kill the captive №2*   
Incas: *call on Zo*  
Zo: Something tells me the third variant is going to be wrong, too.  
Zo: Ah, hell with that!  
Zo: At least I’ll enjoy some popcorn before I die.  
Leonardo: Take me instead!  
Leonardo: *takes the hoe and ploughs the soil*   
Incas: YEAH!  
Leonardo: *sows the corn and waters it*  
Incas: YEAH!  
Leonardo: *grows corn, then grows potatoes, tomatoes and tobacco*   
Incas: Eeeeh…  
Leonardo: *paints the banner WELCOME TO PERU!*  
Incas: Don’t you think you’re rushing things a bit?  
Incas: *put Leonardo and Zo to the cave out of harm's way*   
+++  
  
Alfonso’s dad: By way of apology for Neapolitan fried rice  
Alfonso’s dad: I want to offer you a new tour.  
Alfonso’s dad: Vesuvius and the Archaeological Museum are outmoded and stereotyped.  
Alfonso’s dad: You can see them on any postcard.  
Alfonso’s dad: What you cannot see on a postcard though   
Alfonso’s dad: Are my secret torture dungeons.   
Alfonso’s dad: That’s why I’m going to give you an extreme tour.   
Alfonso’s dad: Privately.   
Lorenzo: Well, sh*t…  
+++  
  
**In the Incan cave.**  
Nico: Maestro!  
Zo and Leonardo: Nico, you’re alive!  
Riario: Who should you thank for this?  
Zo: Not you!  
Zo: *is going to beat Riario*  
Riario: Make peace not war, man.  
Zo: No prob.  
Zo: First I’ll kick all the crap out of you  
Zo: And then I’ll start making peace with what’s left.  
Zo: If there’s something left.  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Lorenzo: *in the dungeon again*  
Alfonso’s wife: Here, I’ve got you some food.   
Alfonso’s wife: This time I took the right book, honestly.   
Lorenzo: Thank Heaven for small favours.   
+++  
  
Carlo: *the Afro-Italian if you forgot* Dear relative, don’t you think the things went too PG-rated after your husband left?   
Clarice: Why PG-rated? Alfonso’s dad has just disemboweled someone in close-up and thrown entrails at my husband.    
Carlo: It’s not about that.   
Clarice: That’s right.  
Clarice: We can get out NC-17 at any moment now.   
Carlo and Clarice: *promptly save the situation. With explicit rating of course*   
+++  
  
Riario: Okay, here I am, beat me.  
Zo: *beats Riario*  
Zita, Nico and Leonardo: *interrupt the process*  
Leonardo: Count.  
Riario: Artista.  
Zo: Pah.   
Riario: God heard our prayers and sent you to us.   
Riario: *to Zo* Though He didn’t have to send you, specifically.  
Riario: We need to team up and find the Book together.   
Leonardo: Agree, but I’m not going to share it.   
Feathered priestess: You’ll have to.   
Feathered priestess: Hello, folks, I’m Ima and I can speak your language.   
Feathered priestess /Ima: Leonardo isn’t the only one who’s able to learn languages by ear in three days.   
Ima: I’ll help you to look for the Book of Leaves because it’ll save us all.   
Ima: And besides, I’ll answer all your questions.   
Ima: *to Leonardo* But only your questions.  
Zo and Riario: *to themselves* Maybe we should grow our hair, too?  
Ima: *shows rock carvings to Leonardo*  
Ima: I saw people like you when I was a little girl.   
Ima: The man was dark as night, with images etched into his skin …  
Leonardo: The late Cartographer!  
Ima: …and as for the woman I can see her face in yours, Leonardo.   
Leonardo: Mom!  
Viewers: *mutter* Oh sure, the late cartographer is the only dark-skinned man with tattoos in the world… *but no one listens to them*  
Ima: She saved me from being sacrificed and taught me your language.  
Viewers: *mutter* And also she gave you educational discs so that after many years of total absence of language practice you didn’t forget the language and now keep speaking it fluently… *but no one listens to them*  
Ima: And she said you’d come for the Book of Leaves.  
Leonardo: So my search will be a success!  
Ima: The search for your mom or the Book?  
Leonardo: Both!  
Leonardo: Hurray!  
Disco ball: *spins merrily to highlight positive elements of the situation*  
Viewers: One minute, where did you get a disco ball?   
Ima: It’s a secret;)))

 

 

Episode 6

  
  
Leonardo: *sees a room with a big bed*  
Leonardo: Oh, it’s like the place where Lucrezia and I almost… ahem…  
Ima: If you want to enter the Vault of Heaven we must become one.   
Ima: Your secrets are my secrets.  
Leonardo: Whatever you want.   
Leonardo: Just don’t ask me about Mission Report: December 16th, 1991.  
Ima: That’s from a different movie.   
Leonardo: Yes, right.   
Chef Inca: Hbgsdkghfkldfshg!  
Ima: He thinks the Book must remain in the Vault of Heaven.  
Leonardo: Didn’t my mom take it?  
Ima: You’re going to laugh, but your mom remained in the Vault of Heaven, too.    
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Riario: *is sleeping*  
Zo: *crawls to him with bad intentions*  
Viewers: Hmmm?  
Zo: Not in the sense you’ve just thought you little pervs!  
Zita: Don’t even think about choking my master!  
Zita: He is a man much like da Vinci!  
Zita: They need each other!  
Viewers: Awwww!  
Zita: Not in the sense you’ve just thought you little pervs!  
Viewers: We have no idea what you’re talking about.   
+++  
  
**In Naples.**  
Duke Alfonso: So, dad assigned me to give you the first excursion of our extreme tour.   
Duke Alfonso: *takes a whip*  
Duke Alfonso: Let’s talk about other men’s wives and Virgil.   
Lorenzo: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Ima: In honour of our union let’s exchange the rings.   
Ima: I can see that you happen to have one.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: *to himself* Sorry, Lucrezia,  
Leonardo: *to himself* I’m giving your ring to another chick.   
Leonardo: *to himself* You did say our love was gone after all.  
Ima: Besides, one of your friends will have to spill blood on your behalf.   
Leonardo: Their own or someone else’s?  
Ima: It depends on whoever manages to do it first.   
Ima: *to Riario* You’ll suit I think.   
Riario: *smiles*  
Riario: *to himself* Yesyesyes, ordeals and sufferings!  
Riario: *to himself* Yesyesyes, sufferings and ordeals!  
Riario: God will protect me.   
Zita: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**In Naples.**  
Lorenzo: *looks like the excursion tired him a bit*  
Giuliano: BOO!  
Lorenzo: I see dead people!  
Giuliano: Don’t be afraid.   
Giuliano: I’m a little friendly ghost.   
Giuliano: I will do something all decent younger brothers should do.    
Giuliano: Piss you off.   
Giuliano: Meanwhile you can ask Alfonso’s wife about the second excursion.   
Lorenzo: What’s next according to the tour program?  
Alfonso’s wife: A zoo and some archery.   
Lorenzo: In more detail pls?  
Alfonso’s wife: A noose around your neck will be connected to a wild horse made to run.   
Alfonso’s wife: You’ll have to kill the horse with a single arrow before it snaps your neck.   
Giuliano: Remind me how good you’re at archery, bro?  
Giuliano: Ah, I remember now, kinda not good at all.   
Lorenzo: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Ima: Let’s continue our trial.   
Ima: Can you see that reeeally suspicious hole?   
Leonardo: Yep.   
Leonardo: Anything can live there, from a possum to a super venomous snake.   
Ima: Exactly.   
Ima: Now stuck your arm up to your shoulder there.   
Leonardo: Erm…  
Incas: *magic kick*  
Leonardo: Okay.   
Ima: *to Leonardo and Riario* Like coils of serpents, both of your fates are entwined.   
Riario: Wow, how very poetic.   
Viewers: *are quietly convulsing in ecstasy*  
Leonardo: Of serpents?  
Leonardo: Aaaaargh!  
Leonardo: Something’s bitten me!  
Leonardo: And for some reason I think it’s not exactly a possum.   
Coral snake: Not a possum at all I must say.   
Coral snake: Hehehe.  
Ima: *to Riario* Tonight you’re to make your way through the cornfield and kill three adversaries by morning.   
Ima: Otherwise, you won’t be given an antidote and he will die.   
Riario: *looks at Leonardo*  
Leonardo: *suffers in style*  
Ima: And all the others will be sacrificed.   
Everyone: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Viewers: *have recovered from ecstasy and are looking at the snake suspiciously*  
Viewers: One minute.   
Viewers: Wikipedia says if those red and black rings on your skin touch each other, then you’re not a coral snake, but a harmless king snake.    
Coral snake: I shall agree with your professors about using Wikipedia.  
Coral snake: *retreats with dignity, but somewhat hastily*   
Viewers: Well okay…  
+++  
  
**In the room with a big bed**.  
Ima: I have two pieces of news for you. One is bad, the other is good.  
Ima: The bad one is that you’ll die at dawn.   
Ima: The good one – you may enjoy some really interesting hallucinations before this happens.   
Leonardo: …  
Leonardo: *a bit in a coma*  
Ima: Your hand must hurt?  
Leonardo: Um-hum.  
Ima: Your legs must be wobbly?  
Leonardo: Um-hum.  
Ima: And it’s hard to breathe?  
Leonardo: Um-hum.  
Ima: Marry me.  
Leonardo: Um-hum.  
Leonardo: No, stop. What?  
But it’s too late.   
Leonardo and Ima: *get married. With explicit rating of course*  
+++  
  
**In the cornfield.**    
Riario: *comes round*  
Riario: *a bit puzzled, looks at his clothes*  
Riario: Or rather the lack of them.   
Riario: This is payback for being clothed from head to toe during the whole first season.   
Riario: Ah! Hell with that!  
Riario: *runs through the field wearing war paint instead of the greater part of clothing and kills the adversaries with his bare hands, teeth and impromptu means*  
Riario: Yesyesyes, ordeals and sufferings!  
Riario: Yesyesyes, sufferings and ordeals!  
Adversaries: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Leonardo: *comes round*  
Leonardo: *goes along the corridor in a ghostly crowd*  
Leonardo: They all wear white and I’m the only one who wears dark clothes like a fool.  
+++  
  
**In the cornfield.**     
Riario: Yesyesyes, ordeals and sufferings!  
Riario: Yesyesyes, sufferings and ordeals!  
Adversaries: We were not informed it’d be like this!  
+++  
  
Giuliano: Pssst!  
Leonardo: I see dead people!  
Giuliano: I’m a little friendly ghost.  
Lorenzo: *from Naples* Wow, now that's some software!  
Lorenzo: My brother is appearing both here and there!   
Giuliano: Now I’m going to act like the Sphinx and propose you a riddle.  
Giuliano: You take it into your hand and put it between your legs, work hard for a few minutes and then feel pleasure. What is it?  
Leonardo: Knowing you, I’m tempted to give an indecent answer,  
Leonardo: But taking into account the solemnity of the situation   
Leonardo: I suppose it’s a bike.   
Giuliano: Omg, that’s correct.  
Giuliano: Have you already invented it?  
Leonardo: Not yet, but you gave me an idea.    
Giuliano: Go towards the bright white light, Leonardo!  
Leonardo: *goes*  
+++  
  
**On the way to Constantinople**.   
The Turk: Hi.   
Lucrezia: Who are you?  
The Turk: I’m Leonardo’s good friend.   
The Turk: I did him good and now I’m here to do good to you.  
Lucrezia: ???  
The Turk: Your sister wants to talk to you.   
Lucrezia: But I don’t want to talk to ghosts.   
The Turk: No one’s asking you.   
Little sister: Hi, sis.   
Lucrezia: I see dead people!  
Little sister: Exactly, everyone is dead.   
Little sister: Who’s not yet is about to die all the same.   
Little sister: See you soon, sis.   
Lucrezia: I’m in no hurry in fact…  
Viewers: No one’s asking you.   
Lucrezia: What are you implying?  
Viewers: Nothing.  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.   
Lucrezia: It’s time to write a will.   
+++  
  
Giuliano: Back to our archery problem.   
Giuliano: I could coach you,   
Giuliano: But as far as you lack training equipment  
Giuliano: And I lack a physical body  
Giuliano: We’re limited to theory.  
Daddy da Vinci: Who are you talking to?  
Lorenzo: A clever person.   
Daddy da Vinci: ???   
Giuliano: Oh, so flattering.   
Lorenzo: If I meant you I’d said so.   
Giuliano: Well, sh*t.   
Giuliano: Whatever. In short, the theory is easy.   
Giuliano: Draw in your mind’s eye someone you hate most and shoot at them.   
Giuliano: By the way, who do you hate most?  
Lorenzo: Wait.  
Lorenzo: I’ll prepare a list.   
+++  
  
**In the cornfield.**    
Riario: Yesyesyes, ordeals and sufferings!  
Riario: Yesyesyes, sufferings and ordeals!  
Adversaries: Somebody get this psycho away from us!  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *in front of the Mona Lisa painting*  
Leonardo: Wow, I managed to finish at least one commission!  
Viewers: *from Wikipedia* Not exactly.   
Viewers: But it still looks quite cool.   
Cartographer: Hi.   
Leonardo: I see dead people!  
Cartographer: Look, it’s really mysterious.   
Leonardo: *looks at the inventory plate*  
Leonardo: Yeah, it’s extremely mysterious.   
Leonardo: I’ve never seen an audio guide icon before.  
Cartographer: No, not there. I’m talking about the landscape.  
Leonardo: Ah, yes, the landscape is very mysterious, too.  
Leonardo: *looks at the inventory plate*  
Leonardo: Wow, I’m going to reach an old age.   
Cartographer: You are not if you talk too much.  
+++  
  
**In the cornfield.**    
Riario: Yesyesyes, ordeals and sufferings!  
Riario: Yesyesyes, sufferings and ordeals!  
Adversaries: Murder! HEEELP!  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *at his own deathbed*  
Leonardo: They say if you see your double you’ll die.  
Leonardo: What if you see your dying double then?  
Old Leonardo: You talk too much.   
Old Leonardo: Better ask me a question.   
Old Leonardo: But only one.  
Leonardo: Will I find the Book of Leaves?   
Old Leonardo: This I won’t tell you.   
Old Leonardo: But you must protect it.   
Leonardo: From whom?  
Old Leonardo: It’s already the second question.   
Old Leonardo: But as soon as my first answer was a bit vague I’ll answer also this one.  
Old Leonardo: From S_SS.  
Ima: *from far away* Leonardo, it’s time to ~~have dinner~~ come back!  
Leonardo: One moment!  
Leonardo: By the way, why are you… I… we… D’oh!  
Leonardo: Why are we chained?  
Old Leonardo: It’s already the third question.   
Old Leonardo: Get out of here before you die.   
Leonardo: *gets out of there*  
+++  
  
Lorenzo: *with a nook around his neck*  
Horse: *is running*  
Giuliano: So who do you hate?  
Lorenzo: I’ve enumerated all points from my list 100 times!  
Lorenzo: Even scratchy socks and broccoli!  
Lorenzo: I’m sick of you and your list!!  
Lorenzo: I hate you!!!  
Giuliano: *is riding the running horse* Omg, that’s correct.   
Lorenzo: *shoots*  
Horse: *falls dead*  
Alfonso’s dad: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Riario: *kills all adversaries and jogs off smugly into the sunrise*  
Riario: So, where’s the antidote?  
Incas: Not so fast, Barry Allen.   
Incas: We’ve all talked and decided you didn’t suffer hard enough.  
Incas: Besides, a villain is supposed to be lonely and angry.  
Incas: Thus, as the last trial  
Incas: You should kill your dearest and only Abyssinian slave girl Zita.  
Riario and Zita: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *looks at the inventory plate*  
Leonardo: Oh, something has changed here.   
Leonardo: It looks like I won’t reach an old age after all.   
Leonardo: Indeed, I should run back.   
Leonardo: *runs along the corridor, pushing through a ghostly crowd*  
Ghostly crowd: Stop right there!  
Ghostly crowd: We didn’t see you in line before!  
Ghostly Zita: Let him go.   
Ghostly Zita: He was in line in front of me.   
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Ima: How do you feel?  
Leonardo: *convulsions, frothing at the lips and other signs of perfect state of health*  
Leonardo: Never better.  
Leonardo: But I still could use that antidote.   
Ima: Here, drink it.   
Ima: Your friend has succeeded.   
Riario: *judging by his expression, he’s not totally in agreement with such a definition*  
Ima: Tomorrow we two as the Sun and the Moon will enter the Vault of Heaven.   
Riario: I’d like to be the third if you please.   
Riario: As a comet or a planetoid or something.   
Ima: …  
Ima: *leaves*  
Leonardo: …  
Riario: How about I approach you slowly,  
Riario: We’re both half-naked and sweaty,  
Riario: You’re wearing trousers and I’m wearing only a loincloth.  
Riario: I swing my arm slowly and the camera shows us from a dramatic angle  
Riario: On the same sheets where you and Ima… ahem… got married.  
Leonardo: ...  
Riario: I killed Zita to save you.   
Viewers: Yes, we know all that is very tragic,  
Viewers: But...  
Viewers: *pterodactyl screeches*  
Viewers: Sorry, you can continue now.   
Riario: *slaps Leonardo*  
Riario: *swings his arm again*  
Leonardo: *catches his arm*  
Leonardo: Allies?  
Riario: Allies.  
Viewers: Slash?  
Leonardo and Riario: In your dreams!  
Viewers: And in our fanfiction.  
Leonardo and Riario: What?  
Viewers: Nothing. You are hearing things.  
Riario: One more thing, da Vinci, we may be allies now, but if we depart this place without the Book of Leaves  
Riario: You’re dead.   
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.

 

Episode 7

  
  
Ima: Now, my dreamer, you and I, we’re going to enter the Vault of Heaven.  
Ima: As the Sun and the Moon.  
Leonardo: Yep!   
Riario: Stop.   
Riario: Are you saying I ran through the cornfield and killed the adversaries with my bare hands, teeth and impromptu means  
Riario: And I even killed my dearest and only Abyssinian slave girl Zita  
Riario: Only to find out you’re not going to take me with you?  
Ima: Well, yes.  
Riario: You know I feel I didn’t have enough running through the cornfield.  
Ima: Okay, we’ll enter the Vault all together.  
+++  
  
Carlo and Clarice: *have raised the show rating selflessly and are cooing now*  
Assassin: *sneaks into the room through the window*  
Carlo: *beats the assassin*  
Clarice: Oh my, sometimes a little fling is not only useful,  
Clarice: But literally life-saving!   
+++  
  
Ima: So, let’s start our quest.  
Ima: Task one. You’re to cross this picturesque corridor littered with skulls and put your hand on a stone at the height of one and a half men.  
Company: Where's the catch?  
Ima: *demonstrates the catch using the example of a llama*  
Ima: If we send forth anything heavier than a child who's seen five cycles of the sun, this happens.   
Llama: *reaches the center of the corridor*  
Walls: CRRRRUSH!  
Llama: Squelch!  
Llama: *drips down the wall slowly*  
Zo: Well, sh*t, if only animal rights activists could see this!  
Leonardo: Exactly.  
Leonardo: That’s why to prevent any further possible harm to llamas  
Leonardo: I’ll invent a RC car.   
Leonardo: *invents a RC car*  
RC car: *works its way along the corridor and presses on the stone with a long pole*  
Passage: *opens*  
Leonardo: Here, no more harm to llamas.   
Riario: I hope no harm to counts, too.   
Riario: *walks first*  
Company: *make sure that Riario isn’t going to go ‘Squelch!’ and follow him*  
+++  
  
NotRP: What are you doing here?  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *is trying to decipher symbols from the page of the Book of Leaves with the help of an old notebook*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Just reading a book.  
NotRP: For a book like this my nephew made off on a cruise.   
NotRP: All those books are useless.   
NotRP: I’ve recently read one.  
NotRP: Fahrenheit 451.  
NotRP: It wasn’t interesting at all though it gave me some ideas.   
NotRP: *takes the notebook and throws it into the fire*  
+++  
  
Ima: Our next task.   
Ima: Here we have a bottomless pit, a smaaaal bridge and a door with a hundred key holes.  
Leonardo: Okay, I hope no harm to artists, too.   
Leonardo: *walks first*  
Company: *make sure that Leonardo isn’t going to go ‘Squelch!’, ‘Bam!’ or other no less suspicious sounds and follow him*  
Leonardo: So many key holes.   
Leonardo: Let’s shove it into the central one!  
Leonardo: *turns the key*  
Leonardo: *nothing*  
Riario: Nice work.   
Riario: My dreamer.  
Viewers: *dying whale sounds*  
Riario: It was sarcasm.   
Viewers: *dying whale sounds intensify*  
Riario: They’re hopeless.   
Leonardo: *tries another key hole*  
Alert system: Attention! An attempt of unauthorized access!  
Bridge: *gets significantly shorter and keeps shortening*  
Ima and her people: *jump to solid ground*  
Leonardo, Riario, Zo and Nico: Well, sh*t!  
Leonardo: Through unknown, but brilliant reasoning I found out that there were in fact not a hundred, but a hundred and one key holes.   
Leonardo: Brace me.   
Leonardo: *dives downward*  
Riario: *grabs his legs*  
Zo: *grabs Riario*  
Nico: *being the most frail, provides light*  
Leonardo: *gropes for one more key hole under the bridge*  
Leonardo: *turns the key*  
Bridge: *stops*  
Leonardo: Pull me up!  
Riario: *pulls*  
Viewers: Dear me, did you see?  
Viewers: He!  
Viewers: Him!  
Viewers: PAWED???  
Riario: Geeez…  
Riario: Look, was I supposed to pull up all one hundred and fifty pounds of his genius  
Riario: With my pinkie through his belt loop?  
Viewers: *dying whale sounds*  
Riario: Oh, come on.  
Ima: Amazing!  
Ima: Wait for me, my dreamer!  
Ima: I’ll take the safe path in a roundabout way and join you.   
Everyone: Erm.  
Riario: No need to wait for her.   
Riario: I can pass as the Moon, I’m not proud.   
Leonardo: You’re right.  
+++  
  
**In Constantinople.**    
Sultan’s son: To what do I owe the pleasure?  
Lucrezia: The Pope invites you to Florence.  
Sultan’s son: Really?  
Lucrezia: Yep.   
Lucrezia: Just visit him when he’s taking a jacuzzi.  
Lucrezia: He loves talking to his guests while he enjoys his jacuzzi.  
Sultan’s son: Okay!  
+++  
  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Are you sure you don’t want to leave the cage?  
RP: Nope, I’m quite content here.   
RP: By the way, do you know you’re the chosen one?  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Who said this?  
RP: I did.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Oh!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Chosen for what?  
RP: For helping me leave the cage.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: We all frequent this place as if it were our job  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: And offer you to leave the cage, but you keep…  
RP: *very mysteriously* All in its own good time.   
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Oh!  
+++  
  
Leonardo, Zo, Nico and Riario: *crawl out of the hole to another location*  
Disco ball: *spins merrily*  
Zo: Is our next trial a dance marathon?  
Riario: *looks to the other side* Aha, two key holes.   
Riario: Well, it’s quite clear.   
Riario: *grabs the key from Leonardo*  
Zo: *grabs his wrist*  
Riario: *threatens Zo with a knife*  
Riario: That’s it, God’s wrath is about to rain down upon you and you won’t find it funny!  
Riario: And in general, I don’t trust any of you.   
Riario: I know that da Vinci won’t share the Book with me.   
Riario: He even wed with the savage only for a chance at it.   
Viewers: Jeeealous…  
Riario: You’re next right after him.   
Viewers: Well, sh*t.  
Nico: *calms Riario and takes the knife from him, proving clearly that Stockholm syndrome works both ways*  
Leonardo and Riario: *insert the keys, but nothing happens*  
Leonardo: *looks at the disco ball*  
Leonardo: I see now! We need…  
Zo: A dance marathon after all?  
Riario: No, we need to turn the keys when the light falls upon them.  
Viewers: Aw, they finish each other’s phrases!  
Riario: One more word, and I’m borrowing my knife from Nico.  
Viewers: Okay, we shut up.  
Leonardo and Riario: *turn the keys*  
Door: *opens*  
Leonardo and Riario: Woooow…  
Door: *closes*  
Leonardo and Riario: Well, sh*t.   
Leonardo: Okay, Zo and Nico, you turn the keys and hold them.   
Door: *opens*  
Leonardo and Riario: Woooow…  
Riario: *blinks too much*  
Leonardo and Riario: *come in*  
Viewers: *are going to comment, but catch themselves in time and only whistle a wedding march*  
Zo and Nico: Hey, how long should we hold these?  
Leonardo and Riario: *are already gone and forgot about everything else*  
Zo and Nico: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: I’m still convinced reading is useful!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: If the false Pope doesn’t allow me to read here  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: I’ll read somewhere else!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *steals the page of the Book of Leaves from the Vatican Secret Archives*  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Riario: *cross the cave*  
Leonardo and Riario: *inspect a mysterious doorless and windowless vault*  
Voice: Leonardo…   
Leonardo: Mom!  
Riario: I can’t hear anything.   
Riario: You have voices in your head.  
Riario: As usual.   
Leonardo: Okay.   
Leonardo and Riario: *reach a little open platform in the mountains*  
Leonardo: Way out to the heaven?  
Leonardo: I hope my mom and Cartographer didn’t take it too literally.   
Leonardo: Okay, let’s return to that doorless and windowless vault  
Leonardo: And take the Book.   
Riario: *thinks* Sounds simple.   
Riario: *thinks* Though the lack of doors and windows can cause some problems…  
Leonardo: I can hear something.   
Riario: Your mom again?  
Ima: No, it’s me.   
Leonardo: We’ve found the Vault of Heaven!  
Ima: Without me, eh?  
Incas: *push Nico and Zo in front of them*  
Nico and Zo: *look as if they came through a not too gentle meat grinder*  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
Ima: You were to lead me here.  
Ima: That’s it, our love is gone.   
Leonardo: But we’re married.  
Leonardo: What about our union and no secrets?  
Ima: No kidding?   
Ima: Then tell me what you know about Mission Report: December 16th, 1991?  
Leonardo: How can I possibly know?  
Leonardo: It’s from a different movie.   
Ima: I told you!  
Ima: Get ‘em!  
Leonardo and Riario: Well, sh*t.   
Voice: Leonardo…  
Leonardo: Did you hear that?  
Ima: Yes.   
Ima: But unlike some, I watched horror movies and I know that in cases like that   
Ima: It’s necessary to go in the opposite direction.  
Leonardo: No, no, it’s my mom!  
Viewers: Sob. 

 

Episode 8

  
  
**In the cave again.**  
Riario: We’ll die together.   
Leonardo: Never give up!  
Riario: Shut up when a clever person is talking.   
Riario: And this clever person,  
Riario: Meaning me,   
Riario: Tells you that we’ll die together.  
Riario: Because we’ll all die.   
Riario: I know it for sure.   
Leonardo: *changes the topic*  
Leonardo: I was born a bastard.   
Riario: What a coincidence.   
Riario: I was abandoned at birth and raised in a monastery.  
Riario: Did you know that?  
Leonardo: No.  
Leonardo: When I was reading your two-volume biography  
Leonardo: I missed this fact.   
Riario: But one day fath… I mean, the Holy Father visited me   
Riario: And suggested that I shall become the Sword of God  
Riario: And do all kinds of horrible things for faith.   
Riario: So I agreed.   
Riario: The life in the monastery was boring as hell after all.  
+++  
  
**In Naples.**  
Lorenzo: *in a decent room, looking decent*   
Lorenzo: That's more like it. Now it looks like a good European tour.  
Alfonso’s wife: I used to like reading Virgil with you.   
Alfonso’s wife: I can escape my husband  
Alfonso’s wife: And become your wife.   
Alfonso’s wife: Then we’ll be able to read Virgil together again.   
Lorenzo: I’d love to.   
Lorenzo: But my city is more important for me.   
Lorenzo: *to himself* More truly, my wife armed with a skillet.   
Alfonso’s wife: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Ima: Bluntly put, I found neither your mom, nor the Book of Leaves.  
Ima: But I had a vision.   
Ima: As soon as we sacrifice you  
Ima: We’ll find the Book in no time.   
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
Riario: *soulful look*  
Ima: As a consolation, you can take my brooch   
Ima: And I’ll take your ring.   
Ima: During the long winter nights I’ll admire it   
Ima: And remember our wedding.   
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.   
Riario: *soulful look*  
Leonardo: Well, at least spare the life of my companions.   
Leonardo: Nico and Zo.   
Leonardo: Not Riario, he doesn’t need it.   
Leonardo: He’s set his mind on us dying together all the same.  
Ima: No prob.   
Ima: They’ll be enslaved.   
+++  
  
Zo and Nico: *are working for public benefit*  
Leonardo: I’m about to be sacrificed, but don’t worry about me.   
Leonardo: Zo, just remember  
Leonardo: You’re a helluva moose.   
Leonardo: *leaves*  
Nico: Did Maestro just call you a moose?  
Zo: No, he said euphemistically that we should vamoose.   
Zo: Now watch and learn.   
Zo: *is trying to vamoose*  
Nico: Hey, guards, he’s trying to escape!  
Zo: *is beyond offended*  
Zo: My, what did Riario and you do on that ship?  
Nico: *promptly kills the distracted guards*  
Nico: *meaningfully* We ate oranges.  
Zo and Nico: *vamoose*   
+++  
  
NotRP: *thinks* Great, my workday is over. Now I can go and have a jacuzzi.  
Sultan’s son: Hi! Receive visitors!  
NotRP: *realizes his bathing is delayed*  
NotRP: Huh? Again?  
NotRP: Strip him and send him out the gate.  
Sultan’s son: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
**Native gala fest.**    
Riario: I told you we were going to die.   
Leonardo: We still have time.   
Leonardo: Full three minutes.   
Leonardo: Or even four.   
Priest: *is going to kill Riario*  
Riario: *resigns himself to death*  
Leonardo: *grabs someone’s sword*  
Priest: *gets distracted for a moment*  
Riario: *kills the priest*  
Riario: Resignation might be a virtue, but once you have a chance to kill someone,  
Riario: It’s too good to miss it.   
Leonardo: *threatens the Chef Inca with the sword*  
Leonardo: I’m going to hold a conciliatory speech.  
Leonardo: Ima, translate it for your people.   
Leonardo: *holds a conciliatory speech*  
Incas: For shame! Away with you!  
Leonardo: Hey, it was a conciliatory speech!  
Incas: We don’t understand Italian.   
Leonardo: Ima has translated it for you.   
Incas: We don’t understand Italian all the same.   
Explosions: KABOOM! KABOOM!  
Incas: Aaaah! What is it??  
Leonardo: Wow.   
Leonardo: Twenty pounds of TNT?  
Zo and Nico: No.   
Zo and Nico: Twenty pots of llama fat.  
+++  
  
**In the morning on the mountain**.   
Leonardo: Chop, chop!  
Leonardo: Grab these four huge rolls of fabric  
Leonardo: Which I’ve obtained out of nowhere!  
Leonardo: We’ll escape through the Vault of Heaven.  
Riario: By the way.  
Riario: The viewers are suspiciously quiet.  
Riario: That doesn’t augur well.  
Viewers: We did some thinking  
Viewers: And we have reached some logical conclusions.  
Viewers: The point is that you, Leo, is the Sun and Ima is the Moon, and for that reason you got married six ways to Sunday.  
Leonardo: *with slight regret* Not six actually, I was a little out of shape.   
Viewers: Nevermind.   
Viewers: The point is Leonardo is the Sun and she was the Moon.  
Riario: Well, yes.  
Viewers: But now you are the Moon.  
Riario: Well, yes.  
Riario: So what?  
Viewers: What ‘what’? Where is the slash?  
Riario: You know, viewers,   
Riario: You think way too much.  
+++  
  
**In Constantinople.**  
Sultan’s adviser: Hello, dear signora,  
Sultan’s adviser: Who gave us a false name for some dubious reason,  
Sultan’s adviser: But didn’t take into account the fact that some selected advisers to the Sultan  
Sultan’s adviser: Happened to visit Florence.   
Lucrezia: …  
Sultan’s adviser: So why did you come here?  
Lucrezia: To pay you a visit.   
Sultan’s adviser: And where did you send our Sultan’s son?  
Lucrezia: To pay us a visit.   
Sultan’s adviser: You’re lying.   
Sultan’s adviser: But we’ll find out the truth.   
Sultan’s adviser: We won’t even have to torture you.   
Sultan’s adviser: We’ll just call our hypnotist and soon we’ll know everything.   
Strange chained woman: *makes magic passes*  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
Leonardo, Zo, Nico and Riario: *run run*  
Ima and her Incas: *run run run*   
Leonardo, Zo, Nico and Riario: *run run*  
Ima and her Incas: *run run run*   
Leonardo: *unwedges the door*  
Door: Please stand clear of the closing doors!  
Inca: *doesn’t manage to pass in time*  
Door: The doors don’t give a f*ck. They’re closing all the same!  
Inca: Squelch!  
Ima: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**Near the doorless and windowless vault.  
** Leonardo: *to Zo and Nico* I happened to take up sewing between this and then.   
Leonardo: Here are designs and four huge rolls of fabric.   
Leonardo: Join in.   
Leonardo: Meanwhile I’ll go and touch the count’s back.  
Riario: Pardon me?  
Leonardo: I’m saying there must be a clue here.  
Voice: Leonardo…  
Leonardo: Did you hear that?  
Riario: It looks like auditory hallucinations are airborne.    
Leonardo: Now I know it for sure!  
Leonardo: My mom’s been sitting there for twenty years   
Leonardo: Cuddling the Book of Leaves  
Leonardo: And waiting for me!  
Leonardo: So, the Vault is metal  
Leonardo: And there’re some little magnets underfoot.   
Leonardo: Let’s stick magnets.   
Leonardo and Riario: *stick magnets feverishly*  
Leonardo and Riario: *oddly enough, with little to no success*  
Leonardo: Holy mackerel!  
Leonardo: It doesn’t work.   
+++  
  
Ima and her Incas: *are trying to fight the magic door with brute force*  
Ima: This Vault belongs to me and my people!  
Ima: And for that matter,  
Ima: The Spanish are to conquer us only in the next century!  
Ima: Why on earth did you come here after all? You’re not even the Spanish!  
+++  
  
Leonardo: There must be an arrangement…  
Leonardo: Oh!  
Leonardo: My almost finished commission with the Mona Lisa!  
Leonardo: The mysterious landscape with arches!  
Leonardo: Numbers two and seven!  
Leonardo: *to himself* But I still think the audio guide icon was more mysterious.  
+++  
  
Ima and her Incas: *are trying to fight the magic door with brute force*  
Ima: If you take the Book my people will die!  
Ima: So will I!  
+++  
  
Leonardo: Don’t bother me, woman, I’ve solved ~~a Rubik's cube~~ this brain teaser.  
Leonardo: *sticks two magnets in one recess and seven magnets in the other*  
Vault: *opens*  
Leonardo and Riario: Yesyesyes!  
Vault: *is empty save for a steampunk bust*  
Leonardo and Riario: What the hell?  
Leonardo: My mom is not here!  
Riario: The Book of Leaves is not here!  
Steampunk bust: Leonardo…  
Leonardo: *almost in tears* Why on earth did they give me a talking head instead of my mom?  
Riario: *almost in tears* Why on earth didn’t they give me at least a talking head instead of the Book of Leaves?  
Steampunk bust: Leonardo, the Book is not here.  
Steampunk bust: The only way you will find its location is if you give up your quest for me.  
Steampunk bust: To do so, you should...  
Arrow: PIIIU! TWANG!  
Steampunk bust: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: Time to vamoose.  
Leonardo, Zo, Nico and Riario: *grab the mysterious sewing and run to the mountain platform*  
Leonardo, Zo, Nico and Riario: *jump off the mountain*   
Leonardo: I’ve invented a parachuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…  
Ima: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
Leonardo, Zo, Nico and Riario: *land*  
Leonardo: *with enthusiasm* Cool!  
Nico: *with enthusiasm* Cool!  
Zo: *with enthusiasm* Cool!  
Riario: *with compound fracture* Not cool at all.  
Leonardo and Nico: Well, sh*t!  
Zo: Served him right.  
Zo: Hehehe.  
Leonardo: I’m going to treat you.   
Leonardo: I know how to do it.   
Leonardo: I dissected dead bodies.  
Leonardo: The only thing is I don’t know how to deliver anesthesia.   
Leonardo: For some reason dead bodies never asked for it.   
Riario: Well, sh*t.   
Riario: *promptly faints*   
+++  
  
**In Naples.**    
Lorenzo: I’ve brought you a dead body as a gift!  
Alfonso’s dad: Oh, now I see I was wrong!  
Alfonso’s dad: You’re a true leader.   
Alfonso’s dad: As the dawn of a new friendship, let us poke this body with a cleaver together!  
Lorenzo: Erm…  
NotRP: *appears suddenly* You can poke it next time.   
NotRP: Florence is doomed.  
NotRP: Do you want to talk about it?  
Lorenzo: Well, sh*t.  
+++   
  
Leonardo and Zo: *sit on the beach and admire the ocean*  
Nico and Riario: *sit on the beach a bit farther and admire the ocean*  
Leonardo: When I’m back to Florence I’ll repair this talking head and find out what voice message my mom left for me.   
Nico: *approaches* Maestro, the count wants to tell you a sad flashback.   
Leonardo: Coming.   
Leonardo: I adore listening to sad flashbacks.   
Riario: *with his leg in a ~~cast~~ splint* …  
Leonardo: Alas, I still don’t know how to deliver anesthesia.    
Leonardo: But I can give you some dry bread.  
Riario: Thanks. So when father…  
Leonardo: You mean the Holy Father?  
Riario: I mean no.   
Riario: Don’t tell me you didn’t have a clue.  
Riario: When father decided to hire me he gave me a trial assignment.   
Riario: *flashback*  
Young long-haired Riario: *still looks a bit like the Sengoku period samurai*  
Young long-haired Riario: *hangs around tenderloin districts*   
Young long-haired Riario: Hi, mom.  
Mom of easy virtue: Hi, son.   
Young long-haired Riario: Have you made up your mind about changing profession yet?  
Mom of easy virtue: Nope.   
Young long-haired Riario: Well, you should’ve.   
Young long-haired Riario: *chokes his mom*  
Mom of easy virtue: Well, sh*t.   
Riario: *flashback ends*  
Leonardo: Fierce.   
Riario: You bet.   
Riario: But it’ll be really fierce   
Riario: When I come home empty-handed.   
Leonardo: Oh yeah.   
Leonardo: At least, I’ve got a talking head.   
Zo: The ship!  
Leonardo: In fact, this is what I think.   
Leonardo: Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh!   
Riario: These song lyrics will be written in more than five hundred years.  
Leonardo: Ain't give a sh*t. They still sound nice.   
Leonardo: *takes an aesthetically advantageous pose and looks at the approaching Sentinel*

 

 

Episode 9

  
  
**On the Sentinel.**  
Leonardo: *has disjointed the talking head into little components*  
Riario: *enters the cabin with an effort and a walking stick* Hey, why complicate things?  
Riario: It was only minimally damaged.  
Leonardo: To repair it, I needed to see what’s inside.  
Riario: *to himself* Deo gratias. To repair my leg,  
Riario: *to himself* You didn’t feel the need to see what’s inside.  
Riario: Forsake these engineering ambitions and resume painting.  
Riario: It’s better paid.  
Leonardo: You’re talking just like my maestro.  
Riario: I’ll return to father.  
Leonardo: You mean your father?  
Riario: I mean the Holy Father.  
Riario: Of course I shouldn’t expect a pat on the head from him,  
Riario: But as you may have noticed I’m a masochist.  
Riario: Beating your son is a sign of love.  
Leonardo: But…  
Seaman: Land!  
Leonardo: *runs up the steep stairs to the foredeck*  
Leonardo: *looks at the strip of the land*  
Riario: *approaches him with an effort and a walking stick*  
Riario: *stands in the pose for a Heart-to-Heart Conversation*  
Riario: Look, I liked to have adventures with you.  
Leonardo: I did, too.  
Leonardo: But what can we do?  
Leonardo: We’ll come back home and will have to be enemies again.  
Leonardo: To tie each other to trees, spray each other with machine-gun fire and throw grenades at each other.  
Riario: *nods knowingly*  
Leonardo: *nods knowingly*  
Viewers: We’re really happy you understand each other.  
Viewers: But there’s one thing we cannot understand.  
Viewers: Riario, you can barely limp around.  
Viewers: How on earth did you manage to get on the foredeck three seconds after Leonardo?  
Riario: Viewers, you know  
Riario: Nico gave me back my knife.  
Viewers: Okay, we shut up.  
+++  
  
**In Constantinople.**  
Turkish hypnotist: *tortures Lucrezia with the same three questions for a month*  
Sultan’s adviser: Well, what did you find out?  
Lucrezia: She found out I’d unlearnt to speak save for three words.  
Turkish hypnotist: I found out that her father is the true Holy Father, but he fools everyone and in reality he’s not a good guy at all.  
Lucrezia: ???  
Turkish hypnotist: Secret techniques of modern hypnosis, babe.  
Turkish hypnotist: You tell me everything you know  
Turkish hypnotist: And then everything you don’t know.  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**Florence. It’s raining hard.**  
Zo: My homeland’s problematic, but I still love it.  
Leonardo: This silence is strange.  
Leonardo: I watched a zombie apocalypse movie which started exactly like this.  
Leonardo: It's suspicious.  
Zo and Vespucci: We’re going to drink!  
Leonardo and Nico: And we are going to the workshop.  
Andrea: *in the workshop* Oh, I’m so happy to see you.  
Andrea: Look, we have suuuch things happening here…  
Leonardo: Oh no, that’s me who brought suuuuch a thing – you’re not going to believe it.  
Leonardo: Look, a brazen head!  
Andrea: Oh, this is a brazen head!  
Leonardo: Didn’t I mention this brazen head?  
Leonardo: Let’s tinker at it together.  
Andrea: I’d love to, but we have suuuch things happening here!  
Officers of the Night: You’re arrested and it’s not your house anymore.  
Leonardo: Come on! How could I possibly do anything wrong if I returned three minutes ago?  
Leonardo: Besides, I want to sleep.  
Leonardo: Can you come and arrest me tomorrow?  
Officers of the Night: *take Leonardo and Nico and drag them to the Medici’s palace*  
Palace: *debauchery and atrocities*  
Palace: *atrocities and debauchery*  
Palace: *it’s dark and cold so you can see at once that something awful happened*  
Clarice: *in exquisite posture and chains* …  
Leonardo: Who did this to you?  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: I did.  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: The Pope sent us to take over Florence and we took it over in no time.  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: Unlike some counts with bangs.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In Naples.**  
NotRP: Lorenzo, we took over your city, your palace and your wife.  
NotRP: Where is all the Medici gold?  
Lorenzo: I won’t tell you.  
NotRP: What if we kill you?  
Lorenzo: Then I won’t tell you for certain.  
Lorenzo: *to Alfonso’s dad* But to you, I’ll tell it.  
Lorenzo: If you can guarantee the safety of my city, my palace and my wife.  
NotRP: Hey, it’s unfair, we’ve already formed the alliance!  
Alfonso’s dad: Well, for all the Medici gold I’m ready to review my decision.  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Nico: *in the dungeon with the entire population of Florence, how did they make them fit?*  
Leonardo and Nico: Vanessa!  
Vanessa: Leonardo and Nico!  
Vanessa: Oh, so much shock I'm about to give birth right now.  
Leonardo and Nico: Really?  
Vanessa: No, just a figure of speech.  
Guard: Who’s da Vinci here?  
Leonardo: It’s me.  
Guard: Come with me, the torturers want to have a word with you.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Riario: Father’s not at home and no one knows when he’s back.  
Riario: Isn't this upsetting?  
Riario: Whom I’ll serve now?  
Riario: Bingo!  
Riario: *goes to RP*  
Riario: I survived dangers and hardships and they made me realize that you’re the true Holy Father and my father is not the true Holy Father, I mean, he’s not my untrue father, but the untrue Holy Father, though he’s my true father.  
RP: ???  
Riario: Nevermind, forget it.  
Riario: Here, get out.  
RP: Nope.  
RP: I’m quite content here.  
Riario: I’m so terribly sorry.  
Riario: Will you forgive me?  
RP: Nope.  
Riario: And what if I cry?  
RP: Nope.  
Riario: And I’ll still cry.  
Riario: *to himself* Let’s take the fight to a clichéd Single Tear From The Left Eye, let’s wail and sob.  
Riario: *is crying* What if I throw myself at your feet?  
RP: Nope.  
Riario: *is crying* And what if I give you my sword and let you kill me?  
RP: Nope.  
RP: Live and suffer.  
Riario: *is crying* I’m no one without you.  
RP: Exactly. A total zero.  
Riario: *closes the door, still crying* Then I’ll go, cut my wrists and drown myself.  
RP: Good riddance!  
RP: *to himself* Anyway, it was nice of you to leave the key.  
+++  
  
Guards: *put Leonardo in the stocks in a rather embarrassing pose*  
Guards: Well, you're a sodomite so you might actually enjoy this.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: ~~I was caught~~ This happened one single time, but now everyone and their grandmother mention it.  
Carlo: *next stocks* Nice to meet you, I’m Carlo de Medici.  
Leonardo: Why are you suddenly Afro-Italian?  
Carlo: I’m a bastard.  
Leonardo: Cool.  
Tortures: We’re professional tortures with impeccable CVs!  
Guards: Wow, it's not every day we see torturers with such impeccable CVs!  
Tortures: So now we’re going to torture him!  
Tortures: But first we’ll practice on you!  
Tortures/Zo and Vespucci: *knock off the guards*  
Zo and Vespucci: *free Leonardo and Carlo*  
Zo: We need to get out of Florence.  
Leonardo: No way.  
Leonardo: I saved Lorenzo, I’ll save Florence.  
Leonardo: You will help me.  
Zo: I can’t hear a question mark.  
Leonardo: We’ll put Duke of Urbino’s men to sleep.  
Leonardo: Zo, go shopping!  
Leonardo: I’ve invented chloroform!  
Zo: But how are we going to sneak into the palace?  
Leonardo: Do you remember you mentioned a catapult?  
Zo: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
**In** **Constantinople** **.**  
Turkish hypnotist: Your father conceived a wicked plan.  
Turkish hypnotist: The impostor hates being bothered while having a jacuzzi  
Turkish hypnotist: So he won’t give the Sultan’s son a nice welcome.  
Turkish hypnotist: As a result, the Turks will go to war against Italy.  
Lucrezia: My father will unite Italy and then peace and quiet will reign.  
Turkish hypnotist: I willingly believe it.  
Turkish hypnotist: Because everyone will be dead and thus will rest in peace very quietly.  
Sultan’s son: *enters* That’s it, guest, you are so busted!  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *sketches a catapult*  
Carlo: If your charge misses we’re all dead.  
Leonardo: It’ll be okay.  
Leonardo: I’m studying the trajectories of flying objects right now.  
Riario: *from Rome* Well, judging by the trajectory of my flying body in Machu Picchu  
Riario: *from Rome* You’re all dead, guys.  
Leonardo: Shut up, Count.  
Leonardo: You were going to drown yourself there, so do it in silence.  
Innkeeper: Houston, we have a problem.  
Innkeeper: The guards caught your friends, so no catapult for us.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Carlo: Let’s get there through the forging furnace!  
Leonardo: But it’s hot.  
Carlo: We’re bastards, it’s not a threat to us.  
Leonardo: Let’s do it!  
Carlo and Leonardo: *do it*  
Leonardo: *sits on the rooftop and looks through the window*  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino  & Company: *eat, drink and have fun*  
Leonardo: *sits on the rooftop, watches them and fills a balloon with chloroform*  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino & Company: *make Zo and Vespucci fight to death*  
Leonardo: *sits on the rooftop, watches them and fills a balloon with chloroform*  
Zo and Vespucci: *fight*  
Leonardo: *sits on the rooftop, watches them and fills a balloon with chloroform*  
Leonardo: *drops the balloon to the hall*  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: Oh, look, a balloon! Is it someone’s b-day?  
Soldier: *is going to pierce the balloon with his sword*  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: *notices Leonardo*  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: *it dawns on him almost in time* NOOOOO!  
But it’s too late.  
Balloon: KABOOM!  
Everyone: *falls asleep*  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: *displays villainous cunning and covers his nose*  
Leonardo and Urbino: *fight with three swords and one morningstar mace, breaking all the pieces of art which happened to survive the drunk soldiers*  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: I’m a mercenary, I know kung fu!  
Leonardo: And I’m an artist, I know perspective!  
Leonardo: *achieves victory through the power of art*  
The one-eyed Duke of Urbino: I demand a fair trial!  
Clarice: Our Florentine court holds the fairest trials in the world!  
Clarice: *grabs the sword and pokes Urbino’s last eye out very fairly*  
The no-eyed Duke of Urbino: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Riario: *on a dark dark night wearing dark dark clothes goes into the dark dark water, kisses his daggers and with a spectacular gesture cuts his both wrists at the same time*  
Mysterious person in the hood: *is watching*  
Viewers: Who’re you?  
Mysterious person in the hood: I’m a diver with the local water-rescue team.  
Viewers: So why aren’t you rescuing him?  
Mysterious person in the hood: He hasn’t drowned yet so no need to dive so far.  
+++  
  
Florence: *celebrates*  
Clarice: The Duke of Urbino’s men slept it off and realized how badly they had behaved.  
Clarice: They felt very ashamed and left the city.  
Clarice: Thank you, Leonardo, you saved ~~the world~~ Florence.  
Leonardo: Ah, it’s no big deal. Anyone would have done the same in my position.  
Clarice: Who are you and what have you done to our da Vinci?  
+++  
  
**In Naples.**  
Lorenzo: As far as I remember last night we discussed one mutually beneficial proposal.  
Alfonso’s dad: *sits with his back to Lorenzo and doesn’t answer*  
Lorenzo: Blah-blah-blah…  
Alfonso’s dad: *sits with his back to Lorenzo and doesn’t answer*  
Lorenzo: Blah-blah-blah…  
Alfonso’s dad: *sits with his back to Lorenzo and doesn’t answer*  
Lorenzo: Blah-blah?  
Alfonso’s dad: *sits with his back to Lorenzo and doesn’t answer because he’s lost his eyes and in general is slightly dead*  
Alfonso: Dad has given some thought to your proposal and decided to accept it.  
Alfonso: But the Pope and I also have given some thought to your proposal and decided to decline it.  
Alfonso: We outnumbered him.  
Lorenzo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Andrea: Leo, while you were saving ~~the world~~ Florence I repaired the brazen head.  
Leonardo: Well, let’s listen.  
Steampunk bust: Leonardo, don’t look for me and beware S_SS.  
Steampunk bust: Please leave a message after the tone: beeeep!  
Leonardo: Is that all?  
Andrea: No more words, but there’re musical tones in the background.  
Leonardo: Oh!  
Leonardo: I’ll guess this song after three notes!  
+++  
  
Riario: *comes round*  
S_SS: Girolamo Riario, you were dead. Now you're born again.  
Riario: Say what?  
S_SS: Jack squat. We pulled you out of the water and resuscitated you.  
Riario: Ah… Thanks.  
Riario: Why am I hanging upside down?  
S_SS: We need all that water to spill out of your ears.  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *plays on wineglasses*  
Andrea: I never knew you could read music.  
Leonardo: I used to attend a lute club when I was eight.  
Leonardo: *dreamily* There was a girl involved…  
Andrea: Naturally.  
Leonardo: *dreamily* And a boy…  
Andrea: Of course.  
Leonardo: *dreamily* And a doggy…  
Andrea: Ahem, let’s get back to our notes.  
Leonardo: Okay, so.  
Leonardo: I deciphered these notes and now I know that my mom and the Book are in Vinci  
Leonardo: We must go to Vinci!  
Andrea: I’ll go and get horses.  
Carlo: Hi.  
Leonardo: Hi.  
Carlo: I just came by to tell you that in fact I’m a bad guy.  
Carlo: I’m with S_SS and I’m going to kill you.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: Hey, Count, have you… well, done-you-know-what already?  
Riario: *from somewhere* Yep.  
Leonardo: I've been thinking and I decided I should be the part of the team.  
Leonardo: If you cut your wrists and drown yourself then I’ll be injured with a sword and set on fire.  
Andrea: I’m back! Where's the fire?  
Carlo: *with a battle-axe* Here’s the fire.  
Leonardo: Oh yes, besides, they’ll kill my dear maestro.  
Leonardo: Can't have too much angst!  
Andrea: *with a battle-axe in his stomach* Well, sh*t.

 

 

Episode 10

  
  
Leonardo: I was almost killed, but I cannot die.  
Leonardo: Like superheroes from comic books.  
Leonardo: *clambers onto the horse*  
Leonardo: Let’s ride after Carlo!  
Leonardo: *outside the city*  
Leonardo: One moment.   
Leonardo: Where should I ride?  
Man on a white horse: I’m right here!  
Leonardo: *chases him*  
Leonardo: *doesn’t notice a tree branch*  
Leonardo: *flashback*  
Andrea: Leo, it’s time for you to go ~~soak your head~~ solo.   
Andrea: As a little memorable gift  
Andrea: I’m giving you this workshop.   
Young Leonardo: Thanks, maestro!  
Young Leonardo: Can I call you Dad?  
Andrea: Whatever you want, my boy.   
Andrea: As long as when I’m suddenly and deceitfully killed,   
Andrea: You’ll have something to remember and cry about.  
Leonardo: *flashback ends*  
Leonardo: *remembers and cries*  
+++  
  
Vanessa: It’s your fault!  
Clarice: ???  
Vanessa: You cherished a serpent in your bosom!  
Clarice: What's that supposed to mean?  
Clarice: Let’s return to the palace, Vanessa, stress is harmful for your baby.   
Vanessa: I won’t go anywhere. You have assassins running free there!   
Clarice: Guards! Escort her to the palace by force!  
Nico: But what about stress?  
Clarice: In our cruel world babies should get used to stress while in their mothers’ wombs.   
Vanessa: Oh, so much shock I'm about to give birth right now.  
Nico: Is that a figure of speech?  
Vanessa: No, really.  
Clarice and Nico: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
The Turk: Well, okay, I won’t turn very good and kind again,  
The Turk: But I’ll still patch you up a bit for old friendship's sake.   
Leonardo: I was in the Vault of Heaven, but the Book wasn’t there.   
Leonardo: You lied to me!  
The Turk: It’s not me who lied.   
The Turk: It’s your mom who lied.   
The Turk: Right and left and to everyone.  
The Turk: But the Book still exists.   
Leonardo: I thought mom told me that it was in my hometown.  
The Turk: It’s in her hometown.   
The Turk: Here’s another quest for you, Leonardo.   
The Turk: Next stop is Constantinople.  
Leonardo: *is trying to crawl to Constantinople*  
Leonardo: *his sheer willpower is enough to crawl exactly ten feet*   
The Turk: And drop in on Otranto on your way.   
The Turk: This is going to be fun.   
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave with blue fog.**    
Riario: *still tied, but not upside down this time*  
S_SS: So, we saved you and you’re as good as new now.   
S_SS: Unfortunately, your eyesight has deteriorated. It must be stress-related.   
S_SS: But it’s okay because we have those patented magic eye drops with the Dead Sea extract!  
S_SS: *pour water with a gazillion per cent salt concentration in Riario’s eyes*  
S_SS: How’s that?  
Riario: Hotsie-totsie.   
Riario: I’m screaming with joy.   
+++  
  
Voice: Hey, Leo.   
Leonardo: Angels, is that you already?  
Voice/Zo: No, it’s still me.   
Leonardo: I’m going to Otranto and from there to Constantinople.   
Leonardo: Sorry, I'm not asking you to come with me.   
Zo: It’s okay.   
Zo: I wouldn’t come with you anyway.  
Leonardo: ???  
Leonardo: Perhaps I heard you wrong?   
Zo: Okay, just kidding.   
Zo: Let’s go.   
+++  
  
**In** **Naples** **.**  
Company: *at dinner*   
NotRP: So what’s about that gold?  
Lorenzo: *is grinning from ear to ear*  
NotRP: My son, eat a lemon or your face will crack.   
Lorenzo: The citizens rebelled and freed Florence all by themselves.  
Lorenzo: So let’s pretend we didn’t have that talk about the gold.  
Alfonso: That’s enough, give him a sword and I’ll kill him!   
Lorenzo: *beats up Alfonso just fine even without a sword*  
Servant: I’m sorry to interrupt you,   
Servant: But the Turks are going to war against us right now.   
Servant: Or rather sailing.   
Servant: To Otranto.   
+++  
  
**In Constantinople, behind the scenes**.   
Sultan’s son: Daaaaddy, the Pope hurt me!  
Sultan’s son: I just wanted to pay him a visit, but he…  
Sultan’s son: Insulted me!  
Sultan’s son: Stripped me!  
Sultan’s son: And threw me out of the city!  
Sultan: Don’t cry, sonnie.   
Sultan: Where does this naughty Pope live?  
Sultan’s son: In Italy!  
Sultan: Then we’ll punish this Italy.   
Sultan: We’ll go to war against it!  
+++  
  
**In** **Otranto** **.**  
NotRP: Okay, guys, let’s make peace not war.   
NotRP: The whole Christian world should unite against our common enemy.   
Lorenzo: But I cannot.   
Lorenzo: Florence isn’t with the Christian world.  
Lorenzo: You ex-communicated us.   
NotRP: No prob.   
NotRP: In the interest of the cause I’ll in-communicate you again.   
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *enter Otranto*  
Zo: What’s happening?   
Zo: Why when we’re going into the city   
Zo: Everyone’s running out of it?  
Zo: Leo, does your reputation precede you?  
Carlo’s henchmen: Not everything is about you!  
Leonardo: *kills Carlo’s henchmen, demonstrating that he’s not your average brawler and has changed drastically over the summer, too*  
Zo: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
**In Otranto.  
** Company: Okay, we need to unite our resources.   
Leonardo: Hello to everyone.   
Lorenzo: Did you bring the Book of Leaves?  
Leonardo: Nope.   
Leonardo: I need to swing by Constantinople for it, but the Turks blocked the way.  
Leonardo: So count me in.   
The Turks: *send their emissary for negotiation*  
Lorenzo and Leonardo: Ah, we’re not going to listen to this emissary!  
Emissary/Lucrezia: …  
Lorenzo and Leonardo: *exchange looks*   
Lorenzo and Leonardo: We should definitely listen to the emissary!  
Alfonso: Who’s this chick?  
Lorenzo: The Pope’s spy.   
Alfonso: I don’t know her.   
NotRP: She’s Lorenzo’s mistress.   
Alfonso: Ah, Lucrezia!  
Lorenzo: I don’t get it.   
Lorenzo: Why is all of Italy aware of my bedroom matters?  
+++  
  
Lucrezia: I’m here to tell you that you all must surrender and besides, the Pope is not the true Pope.   
Company: The more we hear the worse it gets.   
Alfonso: We’ll figure it out later. Take her to the dungeon ‘til then.  
Alfonso: We’re not afraid of the Turks!  
Lucrezia: *throws some powder onto the flame of the nearest torch*  
Fire: *turns red*  
Alfonso: Hmm, in this light the situation looks more foreboding.  
NotRP: As for me, I suggest that we should ~~give up on Otranto and scoot home~~ retreat to Rome strategically to regroup and organize our defenses effectively.  
+++  
  
**In** **the** **Medici** **’** **s** **palace** **.**  
Treasurer: We’ll have to splurge on the restoration.   
Clarice: Then do it.   
Clarice: Any problems?  
Treasurer: Not with the restoration.   
Treasurer: But with the fact that someone called Carlo Medici withdrew a zillion florins from the bank and took off to an unknown destination with them.  
Clarice: Well, sh*t.   
+++  
  
S_SS: Okay, let’s see if the eye drops help.   
S_SS: Let’s check your eyes.   
S_SS: How many of us occupy this chamber?  
Riario: Four.  
S_SS: Nice, but not perfect.   
S_SS: We’ll continue the course of treatment.  
Riario: *screams with joy*   
+++  
  
Lorenzo: da Vinci, gather your things, we’re retreating home strategically.   
Leonardo: No! This battle can be won!  
Lorenzo: We have only four cannons, we have nothing to offer resistance with.  
Leonardo: We’ll just take our four cannons and put them together to make one super-cannon.   
Leonardo: Like in Lego.   
Lorenzo: Okay…  
+++  
  
**In the dungeon.**  
Leonardo: You gave your ring to me, but I gave you nothing in return.   
Leonardo: That’s why I’m here to…  
Lucrezia: Ask for my hand in marriage?  
Leonardo: No.   
Leonardo: To free you from this dungeon.   
Lucrezia: You shouldn’t. I’m quite conte…  
Leonardo: Well, that seems to be a family trait.  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave with blue fog.**    
S_SS: How many of us occupy this chamber?  
Riario: Four.   
S_SS: Drip-drop.  
Riario: Five.   
S_SS: Drip-drop.  
Riario: Eight.   
S_SS: Drip-drop.  
Riario: Thirteen thousand five hundred eighty four and two twelve with a half.   
S_SS: Drip-drop-drip-drop.  
Riario: *screams with joy*   
Riario: *to himself* I wish I’d cut my wrists in the bathtub at home…   
S_SS: How many of us occupy this chamber?  
Riario: One.   
S_SS: Great! Your eyesight is perfect now!  
Riario: *to himself* I wonder why I was trying so hard?  
Riario: *to himself* I should’ve just counted from one from the very beginning.  
+++

  
**In the Medici’s palace.  
** Vanessa: Okay, I guess I should take my son and vamoose.   
Captain of the Officers of the Night: Where are you off to?  
Captain of the Officers of the Night: Clarice had already vamoosed.  
Captain of the Officers of the Night: Do you want to leave us without any government?  
Vanessa: ???  
Captain of the Officers of the Night: Your son is the only Medici in the city.  
Captain of the Officers of the Night: Since he’s a bit too young to rule  
Captain of the Officers of the Night: You’ll have to do it.  
Vanessa: Well, sh*t.   
Nico: I’ll help you with ruling!  
Florence: First Lorenzo, then his wife, now Vanessa…  
Florence: Do I look like a perpetual trophy?  
+++  
  
**In Otranto, at dawn.  
** Company: *are on the viewing platform, gloomy and sleepy*  
Turkish fleet: *alas, didn’t self-destruct at night*  
Lorenzo: How does the other side of the world differ from ours?  
Leonardo: It’s different.   
Lorenzo: Sounds logical enough.   
Lorenzo: Did you ever consider staying there?  
Leonardo: You're not getting away from me that easily.   
+++  
  
Turkish fleet: *is attacking Otranto*  
Vanessa: *starts ruling Florence*  
Clarice: *is travelling undercover and very modestly*  
Riario: *acquires new friends and really expressive eyes ~~of an albino rabbit~~ *  
NotRP: *finds out that his brother escaped*  
Lucrezia: *is sitting on a white horse, admiring the beautiful view and foretelling impending death to everyone*  
+++  
  
**In Otranto.**  
Leonardo: *is going to shoot at the Turkish fleet from the super-cannon*  
Leonardo: Three… Two… One…  
Daddy da Vinci: *with a spyglass* Look, it’s your mom there!  
Leonardo: *grabs the spyglass*  
Turkish hypnotist: *smiles and waves into the lens*

 

 

THE END OF THE SECOND ACT  
  
**Teaser:**  
In the third act you’re about to see:   
Leonardo – gets married again. Also he’s got a kid. And a sister.  
Zo and Lucrezia – climb roofs poorly.   
Riario – doesn’t manage to smooth things over with himself.  
And a whole load of other exciting things.   
  
TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author has nothing against peanuts and sesame. Just in case;)))

**Act** **3**

Episode 1

  
  
**In Otranto.**  
Leonardo: *is going to shoot at the Turkish fleet with the super-cannon*  
Leonardo: Three… Two… One…  
Daddy da Vinci: *with a spyglass* Look, it’s your mom there!  
Leonardo: Where?  
Super-cannon: KABOOM!  
Daddy da Vinci: Well, now nowhere.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In the Vatican.**  
Riario: *invades Cardinal Rodrigo’s personal space* Where’s the Holy Father?  
Cardinal Rodrigo: He deigned to hit the roof. Or rather the dome.  
Riario: ???  
Cardinal Rodrigo: I’ll show you.  
NotRP: *has locked himself in RP’s cage*  
NotRP: *drinks and studies maps*  
Riario: Rat-tat.  
NotRP: Who’s there?  
Riario: It’s me, your son Girolamo.  
NotRP: What? In this weather all decent sons stay at home and watch TV, only nephews hang around.  
Riario: *kneels* Sorry, Holy Father, it’s me, your nephew Girolamo.  
NotRP: *unlocks the door* Okay, you can come in.  
NotRP: *notices the scars on Riario’s wrists* What are these?  
Riario: I was weak and I did terrible things – I killed people left and right.  
NotRP: It’s not your fault. You were forced to do this.  
NotRP: By me.  
NotRP: And therefore instead of being a crybaby pray with me.  
NotRP: *is praying*  
Riario: *sports a complicated expression* Amen.  
+++  
  
**In** **the** **brothel** **.**  
Manager: If you’re here for your husband he’s not here.  
Manager: We never saw him and we have no idea what he looks like.  
Clarice: Thanks, I know  
Manager: Oh, come in!  
Manager: If your husband arrives we’ll tell him you’re not here, we never saw you and we have no idea what you look like.  
Clarice: I do not doubt it.  
Clarice: I need your help, but it’s not about your services.  
Clarice: We must find Carlo and put him on trial.  
Manager: Erm…  
Clarice: For that I’ll give you money.  
Manager: Ooooh…  
+++  
  
**In Otranto.  
** Everyone: *drinks and celebrates*  
Leonardo: *EPIC ANGST*  
Daddy da Vinci: *EPIC ANGST*  
Zo: *EPIC ANGST*(in sympathy)  
Alfonso: Let’s drink a toast to Leonardo!  
Alfonso: Leonardo, make big guns for me and I’ll give you money.  
Lorenzo: No way, he has long made big guns for me.  
Alfonso: I’ll offer a double salary to him. And a benefits package.  
Alfonso: Hey, Leonardo, here’s a bag of money!  
Leonardo: *EPIC ANGST*  
Leonardo: Piss off.  
Leonardo: *goes away without a bag of money, but with a bottle*  
Alfonso: Yuck.  
Zo: *follows Leonardo*  
Zo: Look, what if your mom didn’t drown?  
Leonardo: You're saying to me that my super-cannon failed?  
Zo: No!  
Leonardo: Then she did drown.  
Leonardo: *well disguised, but EPIC ANGST*  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave**.  
Riario: I’ve done as you asked, and dad likes me again.  
Riario: Now I want to talk to the boss.  
Carlo: Maybe you also want the moon?  
Riario: By the way, Clarice’s looking for you.  
Carlo: Because I got in her coffers?  
Riario: Because you got in her bed.  
Riario: I disapprove of it.  
Carlo: I’ll deal with her.  
Some dude: I disapprove of it, too.  
Some dude: You stay put.  
Some dude: I’ll deal with her myself.  
Carlo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In Otranto.**  
Leonardo: *on the viewing platform, petting the super-cannon*  
Leonardo: Good morning, my little dear cannon.  
Cannon: Mrrrr!  
Leonardo: *looks at the burning Turkish fleet*  
Leonardo: I’m about to cry.  
Turkish fleet: *is burning diligently*  
Leonardo: *is not about to cry anymore* Hmmm…  
Leonardo: *in the hall*  
Leonardo: The Turkish fleet is burning in such a weird way.  
Leonardo: I’d even say in a very suspicious way.  
Leonardo: I think they have some mysterious chemistry there.  
Alfonso: And I think you should get some sleep.  
Alfonso: Tomorrow our people are going to sail there and kill everyone.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**At night, in the ruins.  
** RP: Hi, daughter.  
Lucrezia: Hi, dad.  
RP: Are you hungry? Don’t be afraid, the poison in this food is not very poisonous.  
Lucrezia: You need the Papal throne, why did you send the Turks to Otranto?   
RP: Oh, I’m going to save ~~the world~~ Italy.  
Lucrezia: ???  
RP: We’ll kill everyone, but those who survive will be saved.  
RP: They’ll join SSS and will be one and happy.  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.  
RP: Rest by the fire and I’ll go and take a stroll meanwhile.  
Lucrezia: But I’m hungry…  
+++  
  
**In Otranto.  
** Leonardo: *on the viewing platform* It’s suspiiiiiiicious…  
Alfonso: There on the horizon you can see the Grand Fleet of Naples.  
Leonardo: Yep, I can see it.  
Leonardo: It’s blowing up really grandly.  
Alfonso: What?  
Leonardo: What?  
Fleet of Naples: *blows up*  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: It looks like underwater explosives.  
Turkish fleet: *is advancing*  
Turkish fleet: *is shelling the city wall with artillery*  
Alfonso: How're they firing so fast?  
Leonardo: *looks through a spyglass*  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: It’s my machine-gun!  
Alfonso: We need to arm ourselves!  
Boy: Swords! Swords! Who needs swords?  
Soldier 1: I’ll take one!  
Soldier 2: I’ll take one!  
Leonardo: And I’ll take two!  
City wall: *collapses*  
Everyone: This is Spartaaaaa!  
Everyone: We mean, Naaaaples!  
Everyone: *fight with the Turks wall-to-wall*  
The Turks: *win suddenly*  
Everyone (who survived): Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
**In the Vatican.  
** Riario: *is praying*  
Something: Chirrrrrr.  
Riario: *is praying*  
Something: Chirrrrrr.  
Riario: Hmmm?  
Riario: *goes to check*  
Riario: *finds a bloody trail which he didn’t notice earlier for some reason*  
Riario: *follows the trail and finds Cardinal Rodrigo*  
Cardinal Rodrigo: *hangs upside down, bloody and slightly dead*  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave**.  
Riario: I think, it’s father’s bro.  
Riario: He can’t kill father that’s why he decided to start with his inner circle.  
Some dude: Did you inform your daddy about it?  
Riario: Not yet, I don’t want to stress him out.  
Some dude: Well, you should’ve. Go and stress him out.  
Riario: Erm…  
Some dude: Any questions?  
Riario: Yep. I can’t see your reasons clearly.  
Riario: May I have more magic eye drops?  
Some dude: No prob!  
Riario: *screams with joy*  
+++  
  
**In Otranto.**  
Everyone’s dead, everything’s bad.  
Leonardo, Zo, Daddy da Vinci, Lorenzo  & Company: *hide in the wine cellar*  
Zo: I need booze.  
Lorenzo: We’ll pay them off!  
Soldier: No, we’ll fight!  
Lorenzo: We’ll pay them off!  
Soldier: No, we’ll fight!  
Lorenzo: We’ll pay them off!  
Soldier: No, we’ll fight!  
Lorenzo: Leonardo, you’re the one smart here, do something!  
Leonardo: I can’t! They stole all my inventions!  
Leonardo: I haven’t even patented them!  
Lorenzo: What’s that thing there which’s coming to us?  
Leonardo: Ah, I invented a tank.  
Leonardo: I wish I hadn’t invented a tank…  
Daddy da Vinci: It’s coming here!  
Leonardo: Okay, we’ll fight.  
Leonardo: I need booze.  
Zo: I told you!  
Company: *build a wall of wine barrels*  
Tank: *fires with flame*  
Barrels: *explode towards it*  
Company: Hurray! The tank burnt down!  
Tank: But I didn’t!  
Leonardo: *goes towards the tank*  
Leonardo: You’re good tanky, you’re kind tanky… Don’t you recognize your daddy?  
Tank: Go to hell, dude, I don’t know you.  
Tank: *fires with flame*  
Viewers: Well, sh*t.

 

Episode 2

  
  
Leonardo: Argh, it seems we’re in deep water.  
Leonardo: Mom, why are you diving without an oxygen tank?  
Caterina: Because free diving rocks, son.  
Leonardo: And why in chains?  
Caterina: You don’t know anything, this is a fashionable retro-style weight belt.  
Leonardo: …  
Leonardo: *comes around*  
Zo and Daddy da Vinci: *help Leonardo to his feet from smoldering debris and lead him to a safe place*  
Lorenzo & Company: *fight the Turks*  
The Turks: *believe it or not, win again*  
The Turks: *drag away injured Lorenzo*  
Leonardo, Daddy da Vinci and Zo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In Florence.**  
Nico: The city is ravaged and Clarice ran off with Carlo.  
Captain of the Officers of the Night: Not with Carlo, but after Carlo.  
Nico: We’ll save Florence!  
Florence: Can you please not?  
Florence: I’ve had enough da Vinci…  
Vanessa: Actually, this is all your fault.  
Nico: How come?  
Vanessa: Because as a default, men are always guilty.  
Vanessa: As far as the Captain of the Officers of the Night has already left and my son cannot see any difference between a reprimand and a lullaby so far  
Vanessa: You’re the only one to blame.  
Nico: Well, sh*t.  
Baby: Waaaah!  
Nico: At least someone here understands me.  
+++  
  
**In the Vatican.**  
Riario: The Turks took over Otranto.  
NotRP: Well, sh*t.  
NotRP: We’re next.  
Riario: Let’s call for a Crusade and kill the Turks.  
NotRP: Nice idea,  
NotRP: But after forming all the necessary alliances we’ll be as poor as not just a church mouse,  
NotRP: But as a piss-poor church mouse.  
Riario: Oh, cash is not a problem.  
Riario: Carlo stole a zillion…  
Riario: Ahem, I mean quite suddenly we’ve got a little side income of a zillion florins.  
NotRP: Now you are talking!  
NotRP: First, we’ll form an alliance with Venice.  
NotRP: Cardinal Rodrigo came from there.  
NotRP: So they’re properly motivated now.  
NotRP: And one more thing... He’s got a sister named Laura. Take a closer look at her.  
Riario: Yeah, I'll get right on that. I just need to borrow a microscope from da Vinci first.  
NotRP: Pardon me?  
Riario: I'm on it, Holy Father.  
+++  
  
**In Otranto.  
** Still everyone’s dead, everything’s bad.  
The Turks: *are swinging with their swords, splashing blood on the ground, walls and the cameraman*  
Leonardo, Zo, Daddy da Vinci and rather depleted Company: *hide in the church*  
Daddy da Vinci: Where’s Leonardo?  
Zo: Out to lunch.  
Daddy da Vinci: It’s his default status, and I don’t mean food.  
Leonardo: *has painted the walls with graffiti*  
Leonardo: I know now!  
Leonardo: It’s all the Turk’s fault!  
The Turk: Brilliant.  
Leonardo: You stole my designs!  
The Turk: Yep.  
Leonardo: And handed them to the Turks!  
The Turk: Yep.  
Leonardo: NotRP was right! You just used me!  
The Turk: Yep.  
Leonardo: And you keep following me even in the loo!  
The Turk: Yep.  
The Turk: Doh! I mean nothing of the kind!  
The Turk: We just wanted to show you what you and your inventions are capable of.  
The Turk: Magic is science, lies are truth and you’re to learn it.  
The Turk: Join SSS, we’ll have peanut cookies and a brave new world.  
Leonardo: What kind of a brave new world?  
The Turk: Ah, we’ll kill everyone and start anew.  
The Turk: The brave new world.  
The Turk: Now with peanuts.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Daddy da Vinci: Who’re you talking to?  
Leonardo: Cookies.  
Daddy da Vinci: Why doesn’t it surprise me?  
Leonardo: I mean I’ve just realized I’m bad and everyone died because of me.  
Daddy da Vinci: You’d better realize how we can get out of the city.  
Leonardo: Oh, I’ve invented a zip-line!  
+++  
  
**In Florence.**  
Nico: Otranto fell and the Pope planned the Crusade.  
Vanessa: What do I have to do with that?  
Captain of the Officers of the Night: Can you hear angry citizens’ shouts?  
Vanessa: Yep. I think they don’t want to join the Crusade.  
Nico: Exactly.  
Nico: Now go and persuade them that the Crusade is all they ever wanted.  
Vanessa: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In the Vatican.**  
NotRP: You said you’d deal with Laura.  
Riario: She wanted to talk to both of us.  
Laura: I’ll join the Crusade, but not while you lead it.  
Laura: Because I’m cooler than Joan of Arc with a basket of tough cookies.  
NotRP and Riario: But…  
Laura: *does some dis _member_ ing to the corpse of Cardinal Rodrigo*  
NotRP and Riario: As you wish, signora.  
+++  
  
**In Otranto.**  
Leonardo  & Company: *use a zip line to travel to a safe place in turn*  
The Turks: *break into the church*  
Daddy da Vinci: Run, I’ll hold them off!  
The Turks: Get out of the way!  
Daddy da Vinci: Solve the riddle first.  
Daddy da Vinci: What has a head, but lacks brains?  
The Turks: What are you implying?  
Daddy da Vinci: It’s a beer, wise heads.  
The Turks: Take him!  
The Turks: *drag Daddy da Vinci away*  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo & Company: *leave the city through secret tunnels and forests*  
+++  
  
**In Rome.**  
Dude from a mysterious cave: *in a beak-like mask*  
Man: Cough-cough.  
Man: Doctor, what’s wrong with me?  
Dude from a mysterious cave: Nothing serious.  
Dude from a mysterious cave: Just a teeny little case of bubonic plague.  
Dude from a mysterious cave: Take some vitamins and more fresh air.  
Man: Thank you, Doctor.  
Clarice: *is running about her business*  
Dude from a mysterious cave: *is following her*  
Dude from a mysterious cave: I’m a lady-killer.  
Dude from a mysterious cave: And right now I see a lady to kill…  
Dude from a mysterious cave: Literally.  
Clarice: And I cheated on my hubby and got away with murder.  
Clarice: So one more murder will make no difference.  
Clarice: Literally.  
Clarice: *jumps around the corner and stabs him*  
Clarice: Tell me where Carlo is!  
Dude from a mysterious cave: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In Rome.**  
Riario: *is praying*  
Laura: May I join you?  
Riario: I'd be honored.  
Riario: *to himself* I recall that dismemberment  
Riario: *to himself* And I want my member to stay in its rightful place.  
Riario: You…  
Riario: Will you join our Crusade?  
Laura: If you persuade me.  
Viewers: Hey, lady, cast no greedy eye at another man's pie.  
Laura: What are they talking about?  
Riario: *redoubles his concentration on praying*  
+++  
  
The Turks: *are decapitating captives*  
The Turks: Will you defect to us? We have cookies.  
Captive: Nope. Ours are tastier and not GM.  
The Turks: THUNK.  
Daddy da Vinci: …  
The Turk: I’m Leonardo’s good friend.   
The Turk: I did him good and now I’m here to do good to you.  
The Turk: Will you defect to us? We have your son and peanut cookies.  
Daddy da Vinci: My son is a genius. He won’t defect to you and he’ll save Italy.  
Daddy da Vinci: Besides, everyone figured out that in spite of the disciplinary moments from the 1 st season I love Leonardo and he loves me.  
Daddy da Vinci: So it’s high time for me to die like a hero.  
Daddy da Vinci: And yeah.  
Daddy da Vinci: Our cookies are tastier and not GM.  
The Turks: THUNK.  
Leonardo: *from the forest* Well, sh*t.

 

 

Episode 3

  
  
Clarice: *is writing a letter*  
Clarice: “My beloved husband, I’m very well and even better,  
Clarice: But I miss you and make time pass occupying myself with innocent amusements…”  
Clarice: *puts a pen down and picks a bloody cleaver*  
Clarice: Now let’s continue our conversation.  
Clarice: Where’s Carlo?  
Dude from a mysterious cave: …  
Clarice: THUNK!  
Dude from a mysterious cave: …  
Clarice: THUNK!  
Something: Chirrrrrr.  
Clarice: Who’s here?  
Something: Chirrrrrr.  
Clarice: *finds the manager*  
Manager: *bloody and slightly dead*  
Something: Chirrrrrr.  
Clarice: You?  
Clarice: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *in the company of other refugees from Otranto*  
Leonardo: *EPIC ANGST*  
Zo: You’ll feel better at home.  
Leonardo: I won’t go home.  
Leonardo: I’ll save Italy from the Turks, but I need financial aid.  
Leonardo: I have to go to the Vatican.  
Leonardo: I’ll kiss the Pope’s ring and he’ll give me money.  
Zo: You said yourself that kissing the Pope’s ring is anti-sanitary.  
Leonardo: I’ll figure something out.  
Leonardo: I can inadvertently splash some alcohol on it.  
Leonardo: Or rub it with a napkin…  
+++  
  
Laura: To sum up, I tell you what we’ll do.  
Laura: For our Crusade we’ll summon the leaders of the Republics to Florence.  
Laura: In order to make everyone join us, we’ll show them this nice armor, these skeletons of the faithful, this reenactment of the horrors of Otranto and this fearsome Turk.   
The Turk: *in the cage, horror-stricken*  
NotRP: Well, this particular Turk is not very fearsome.  
NotRP: *is poking the Turk with Riario’s sword*  
NotRP: *accidentally pokes him to the wrong point and to the death*  
The Turk: Well, sh*t.  
NotRP: Yes, he’s definitely not very fearsome.  
NotRP: Riario, do something with this horrible woman.  
Riario: Maybe we should reason with her?  
NotRP: And then she’ll break off my body parts?  
NotRP: No way, I’d sooner put these body parts into an ant-hill.  
Riario: *to himself* Lovely idea actually…  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *arrive at the palace*  
Riario: *meets them at the entrance*  
Zo: Nah, I won’t go near him.  
Zo: You can go on without me.  
Leonardo: Rude.  
Leonardo: *enters the palace*  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
Riario: Booya!  
Riario: Hehehe.  
+++  
  
NotRP: Ah, Leonardo da Vinci.  
NotRP: You need my blessing?  
Leonardo: I need your dinero.  
NotRP: No money for you.  
Riario: But he’s going to make big guns for us.  
NotRP: I know.  
NotRP: Still no money for you, da Vinci.  
Leonardo and Riario: Well, sh*t.  
NotRP: On second thought…  
NotRP: A horrible creepy murder took place here.  
NotRP: If you find the murderer I’ll think about financial aid.  
Leonardo: Okay…  
NotRP: Kiss my ring and you've got a deal.  
Leonardo: …  
Leonardo: Mwah, dammit.  
Leonardo and Riario: *leave the hall*  
Riario: You said yourself that kissing the Pope’s ring is anti-sanitary.  
Leonardo: It’s okay.  
Leonardo: I got a rabies shot beforehand.  
Riario: …  
Leonardo: So who was killed here?  
Leonardo: Show me the victim.  
+++  
  
**In the Sistine Chapel.**  
Leonardo: So, the cardinal was suspended here upside down. An inverted crucifixion.  
Leonardo: The killer is an artist, he made his choices on account of light and shadow.  
Riario: This can be considered as a full confession, eh?  
Leonardo: ???  
Riario: Just kidding.  
Riario: How do you know all that?  
Leonardo: Where I use paint and canvas, he uses flesh and blood.  
Leonardo: Besides, he’s a pious man.  
Leonardo: Can’t you see this?  
Riario: In fact, I cannot.  
Riario: It’s you who always sees 3D pics in thin air.  
Leonardo: Hmm, the heart is missing…  
Leonardo: *finds the heart in the tabernacle*  
Leonardo: *finds a host in the corpse’s mouth*  
Riario: But why would the killer administer Last Rites to his own victim?  
Leonardo: He’s sorry.  
Leonardo: …  
Leonardo: Wow.  
Leonardo: Look at me, I’m just like Will Graham.  
Leonardo: Want to be my Hannibal?  
Riario: Huh?  
+++  
  
**In Florence.**  
Nico: *is doing math on an abacus*  
Nico: *is doing math on an abacus*  
Nico: *is doing math on an abacus*  
Nico: *to himself* Well, sh*t, I wish we had Maestro here.  
Nico: *to himself* He’d invent an accounting calculator and Microsoft Excel in no time…  
Vanessa: How are we doing?  
Nico: Great, but our mercenary army will disperse if we don’t get hands on tons of money in the near future.  
Vanessa: Well, perhaps I should return to work at the bar.  
Vanessa: But taxes are high there.  
Vanessa: If I worked in the brothel where everything’s tax-free…  
Nico: What an excellent idea!  
Nico: *runs away*  
Vanessa: Where’re you going?  
Nico: To the brothel!  
Vanessa: He used to train as a notary,  
Vanessa: Then as an artist…  
Vanessa: And now he’s run to the brothel.  
Vanessa: This is what I call the dramatic career change…  
+++  
  
Zo: *is getting drunk in the bar and complaining about his life*  
Zo: I helped da Vinci with everything, but he dumped me for Riario.  
Zo: Prick.  
Some dude: da Vinci? Exactly! He’s a real prick!  
Zo: I'll make you answer for your words!  
Zo: Nobody but me dares to slander my best friend!  
Zo: *fights with this dude and his buddies*  
Zo: *outnumbered*  
Someone: …  
Zo: *misty-eyed* I recollect a wondrous instant; and you appeared before me then, beloved…  
Someone/Lucrezia: Where’s Leo?  
Zo: He went out of his mind and from there marched straight to NotRP and Riario.  
Zo: I feel like I’m about to do the same save for the second part.  
Lucrezia: Let’s have a smoke and you’ll be fine.  
Zo: Let’s do it!  
+++  
  
NotRP: *at dinner table*  
Leonardo: *plops the heart in front of him*  
NotRP: Thanks, I’m full.  
Leonardo: The modus operandi suggests that the killer is an educated and pious man.  
Leonardo: He's driven to kill and yet horrified by his own actions.  
Leonardo: …  
Leonardo: Wow, and now I’m just like Spencer Reid.  
Leonardo: Count, will you be my Derek?  
Riario: Huh?  
NotRP: Exactly, huh?  
NotRP: I want you to bring me the whole killer, not his victim piece by piece!  
NotRP: Whatever. I’m going to have my jacuzzi and you both get out of my sight!  
+++  
  
Riario and Leonardo: *hear a scream from the baths*  
Leonardo: We should run to the rescue, something’s happened!  
Riario: Maybe we better not?  
Riario: Father doesn’t… I mean the Holy Father doesn’t like to be bothered in his jacuzzi tub.  
Leonardo: But what if something really happened there? Let’s run and check!  
Riario: *to himself* Oh, you were never given a black eye with the Pope’s ring…  
Riario: Okay, let’s go.  
NotRP: There’s something in ~~my wardrobe~~ my jacuzzi!  
Leonardo and Riario: *go in the water*  
Leonardo and Riario: *fish up Clarice from the bottom of the bath*  
Clarice: *is tied to a makeshift cross and, needless to say, slightly dead*  
Leonardo and Riario: Ain’t that some bath bomb!  
+++  
  
**In the brothel.  
** Madame Singh: You need our services?  
Nico: I need your dinero.  
Madame Singh: But we don’t pay taxes.  
Nico: You do.  
Madame Singh: Since when?  
Nico: Since now.  
Madame Singh: Okay, I don’t have cash right now, but we can offer you a golden shower.  
Nico: Hmm… If it’s really made of gold…  
Viewers: Bwahaha.  
Nico: What are you laughing about?  
Viewers: Look it up in Wikipedia.  
Nico: You’ve got under my skin with your Wikipedia.  
Nico: Good thing we have no Internet.  
Viewers: *giggle* You may want to pick up an umbrella.  
Nico: Why?  
Viewers: *giggle* You’ll see.  
+++  
  
Lucrezia: *is smoking*  
Zo: What should I do?  
Lucrezia: Smoke and yearn for Leonardo with me.  
Lucrezia: Here, try it.  
Zo: *is stoned after a quarter of whiff*  
Zo: Oh yesssssssss, now I can feel what a genius he is…  
Lucrezia: I told you.  
+++  
  
**In Rome.**  
Leonardo and Riario: *near Clarice’s corpse*  
Viewers: *with care* Aren’t you afraid of catching a chill?  
Leonardo and Riario: ???  
Viewers: Well, we did some thinking.  
Viewers: You’ve just got into the jacuzzi up to your waists and it appears you didn’t change your clothes since.  
Viewers: You really keep wearing wet pants?  
Leonardo and Riario: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo and Riario: When will your wisdom cease finally?  
+++  
  
Leonardo: I think it’s Carlo who killed her, not SSS.  
Leonardo: And she bore his child…  
Leonardo: Can you feel it?  
Leonardo: *takes Riario’s hand and put it onto the dead body’s stomach*  
Viewers: *in whisper* You put it onto the wrong stomach.  
Leonardo and Riario: Huh?  
Viewers: Ah, you don’t know anything about MPREG in your ignorant 15 th century.  
Leonardo: What’s ‘mpreg’?  
Viewers: *mysteriously* You’re a researcher, you’d like it.  
Leonardo: ???  
Riario: I cannot understand anything, either, but I don’t think you should ask for details.  
Leonardo: Okay, whatever.  
Leonardo: Autopsy will tell us everything we want to know.  
Leonardo: I know how to do it, I dissected dead bodies.  
Riario: Oh yeah, I remember.  
Riario: I’ll leave you to your task, my leg started aching for some reason.  
Riario: Maybe it’ll rain soon?  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave**.  
Riario: Carlo, my congratulations, you’re an idiot.  
Riario: Besides, I need to talk to our boss immediately.  
Carlo: You won't get to.  
Carlo: He’ll find you if he wants.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *is dissecting Clarice’s corpse*  
Ghostly Clarice: Hi there!  
Leonardo: I see dead people!  
Ghostly Clarice: Oh, you haven’t heard yet what these dead people have to tell you.  
Leonardo: *is dissecting Clarice’s corpse*  
Ghostly Clarice: *blames Leonardo for all deadly sins* Blah-blah-blah!  
Leonardo: *is dissecting Clarice’s corpse, making excuses*  
Ghostly Clarice: *blames Leonardo for all deadly sins* Blah-blah-blah!  
Leonardo: *is dissecting Clarice’s corpse, making excuses*  
Ghostly Clarice: *blames Leonardo for all deadly sins* Blah-blah-blah!  
Ghostly Clarice: By the way, what are you trying to find in me?  
Leonardo: The Stop Button, dammit!!  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave**.  
S_SS Boss: Well, what do you want to talk about?  
Riario: Why are we a secret organization and why don’t we join the Church?  
S_SS Boss: Because the Church is bad and we are good.  
Riario: Now I see.  
Riario: And one more thing. I think it’s Carlo who keeps killing everybody.  
S_SS Boss: Nonsense.  
S_SS Boss: Carlo is innocent like a young bride with a basket of white daisies and a fluffy lamb at her feet.  
Riario: Let’s say you’re right.  
Riario: But da Vinci sees it in a different way.  
S_SS Boss: That just means he has eye problems.  
S_SS Boss: It’s because he’s been under a lot of stress after all the dangers and hardships, and his eyesight is deteriorating, too.  
S_SS Boss: Riario, if you notice his eyesight is getting worse bring him to us.  
S_SS Boss: We’ll cure him, too.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: I didn’t manage to find the Stop Button in Clarice.  
Riario: ???  
Leonardo: But I found an extremely rare seed which one can see only in exotic bathhouses.  
Riario: We’ve already visited three bathhouses and no one heard about it there.  
Leonardo: I didn’t call it “extremely rare” for nothing.  
Riario: *to himself* How do you argue with that?  
Leonardo and Riario: *break into next bathhouse*  
Leonardo and Riario: *find the dead manager*  
Leonardo and Riario: *find the dead dude from a mysterious cave *  
Leonardo: I can’t say anything about the manager,  
Leonardo: But this one was definitely tortured by Clarice.  
Leonardo: The only thing is I can’t see the reason…  
Riario: *to himself* He can’t see?  
Riario: *to himself* His eyes have got worse!  
Riario: *hits Leonardo on the head with the hilt of his dagger and drags him to S_SS*  
Riario: I’ll save you!  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave**.  
Carlo: *pours water with a gazillion per cent salt concentration in Leonardo’s eyes*  
Carlo: How many of us occupy this chamber?  
Leonardo: *for some reason refuses to answer and even screams with joy only every other time*  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.

 

Episode 4

  
  
Narrator behind the scenes: So, a decade has passed.  
Leonardo: *in picturesque rural area lives a happy life with his wife Lucrezia and their son Andrea*  
Viewers: (о_О)  
Viewers: AOAS.  
Leonardo: Son, you can go wherever you want, but in no case should you go to ~~the West Wing~~ that cave.  
Andrea: Okay, dad!  
Leonardo: *looks suspiciously at the cave from which some barely audible, but suspicious voices can be heard *  
**In the cave.**  
Leonardo: *affected by the magic eye-drops*  
Leonardo: *suffers in style*  
Viewers: Thank God.  
+++  
  
Carlo: Will you defect to us? In return we can offer you perfect eyesight and cookies.  
Leonardo: With peanuts?  
Carlo: No, with sesame.  
Carlo: Peanuts are abominable stuff.  
Carlo: Peanuts are eaten only by such malevolent people as SSS.  
Leonardo: Nope, I won’t defect to you. You killed my maestro and Clarice.  
Carlo: I tell you I didn’t kill her!  
Leonardo: You did!  
Carlo: I didn’t!  
Leonardo: You did!  
Carlo: I didn’t!  
Carlo: I loved her!  
Leonardo: And that’s the reason you stole a zillion florins from her?  
Carlo: Well…  
Carlo: They say there’s no great passion without financial pressure.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Carlo: All right, enough talking.  
Carlo: It’s time to apply our eye-drops.  
Leonardo: *screams with joy*  
Riario: *comes to the noise*  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In picturesque rural hallucinations.**  
Leonardo: *teaches Andrea to draw an oak tree*  
Andrea: *instead of an oak draws S_SS symbol*  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Local resistance forces opposing S_SS: *hide in the cellar*  
Lucrezia: Here, I brought meds and some food for you.  
Local resistance forces opposing S_SS / Zo and Vanessa: Finally!  
Lucrezia: Just don’t tell Leo that you’re here.  
Vanessa: They killed a lot of our people and my husband Nico.  
Zo: It’s all Leo’s fault!  
Leonardo: Why is everything always Leo’s fault?  
Zo, Vanessa and Lucrezia: Well, sh*t!  
Leonardo: Take your food and get out of here.  
Leonardo: Otherwise I’ll rat you out to S_SS patrol.  
Zo: No way! We brought you the page from the Book of Leaves and you’ll read it.  
Leonardo: Nah.  
Leonardo: I’ve been living in the village for 10 years.  
Leonardo: I forgot how to read.  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Andrea: Daaaad! Moooom!  
Andrea: A band of ~~Darths Vaders~~ S_SS riders is coming here!  
Carlo: Hiya!  
Andrea: Wow!  
Leonardo and Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.  
Carlo: Leonardo, aren’t you happy to see me?  
Leonardo: I'm awfully glad.  
Leonardo: Look at me, I’m crying blood with joy.  
Lucrezia: ???  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave**.  
Leonardo: *suffers in style*  
Riario: *watches the process with rapidly growing concern*  
Riario: Do your eye-drops have any side-effects?  
S_SS Boss: An ordinary list, nothing unusual.  
Riario: For example?  
S_SS Boss: Well, diarrhea, rash, hair loss…  
Riario: …  
S_SS Boss: …bloody tears, slow and painful death…  
Riario: ...!  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In picturesque rural hallucinations.**  
At dinner table.  
Andrea: *quite happily rats out his parents on all counts*  
Leonardo: *smiles politely*  
Lucrezia: *smiles politely*  
Carlo: *smiles politely*  
Andrea: By the way, dad, will you take me to Rome when you visit the S_SS assembly?  
Leonardo: *smiles politely*  
Leonardo: They say with a tongue in one's head one can find the way to Rome.  
Leonardo: With a tongue like that you’ll definitely find the way.  
Leonardo: And I’ll make it to Rome on my own.  
Andrea: Well, sh*t!  
Andrea: *runs away, downhearted*  
Leonardo: *smiles politely*  
Lucrezia: *smiles politely*  
Carlo: *smiles politely*  
Viewers: What if he loses his way?  
Leonardo: What?  
Viewers: What if he takes the wrong road and loses his way?  
Leonardo: He won’t.  
Leonardo: All roads lead to Rome.  
Carlo: A truer word was never spoken!  
Carlo: By the way, it’s good that the boy left.  
Carlo: Because I was just about to tell you that on the way here we caught a certain Nico,  
Carlo: Cut out his tongue, plucked out his eyes and nailed him to a tree.  
Leonardo and Lucrezia: *smile politely*  
Leonardo and Lucrezia: You enjoy your meal, too!  
+++  
  
**Still in picturesque rural hallucinations.**  
At a dark night.  
S_SS: *are keeping watch*  
Leonardo: *visits Zo and Vanessa by stealth*  
Carlo: *follows him by stealth*  
Leonardo: I learnt an ABC-book afresh and am capable of great things now.  
Leonardo: Where is the page?  
Zo and Vanessa: *give him the page*  
Page: *incomprehensible Hebrew*  
Page: *incomprehensible Hebrew*  
Page: *incomprehensible Hebrew*  
Page: WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!  
Leonardo: Hmm…  
Leonardo: In fact I can’t argue, the idea is smart…  
Carlo: But you’re a fool.  
Carlo: Take ‘em!  
Zo, Leonardo, Lucrezia and Vanessa: *fight with S_SS*  
S_SS: *gravely wound Vanessa*  
Vanessa: Leo, do you want me to tell you something with my last breath?  
Leonardo: Yep.  
Vanessa: WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!  
Leonardo: ???  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave**.  
Leonardo: *suffers in style*  
Riario: You know he doesn’t look well.  
Riario: It would be bad if he kicks the bucket.  
Riario: Because the Crusade needs him.  
S_SS Boss: The Crusade won’t take him with such poor eyesight.  
Riario: The Crusade won’t take him for sure if he dies on us.  
S_SS Boss: Well, then the Crusade will lose nothing under either outcome.  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
S_SS Boss: But don’t you worry.  
S_SS Boss: In addition to the eye-drops I’ve mixed our patented magic mixture with sesame.  
S_SS Boss: If it doesn’t help then nothing will help.  
Riario: Well, sh*t squared.  
+++  
  
**In picturesque rural hallucinations.**  
Leonardo, Zo and Lucrezia: *has tied Carlo to the chair*  
S_SS: Where’s our chief?  
Leonardo: He’s held captive here. And don’t you dare…  
S_SS: *do dare*  
S_SS: *are killing everybody*  
Leonardo: *in a huge upset, grabs the page*  
Page: You know what’s new?  
Leonardo: What?  
Page: Nothing.  
Page: WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!  
Leonardo: Oh…  
Andrea: Dad?  
Leonardo: Sorry, son.  
Leonardo: I love you, but I’ve just realized…  
Andrea: What?  
Leonardo: There’s no spoon!  
Leonardo: The Matrix has me!!  
Leonardo: WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!!!  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave**.  
Leonardo: *suffering intensifies*  
Riario: You know, Leonardo, I believe you're allergic to the magic eye-drops and the mixture.  
Riario: I think it’s because of the sesame.  
Riario: I saved you by bringing you here.  
Riario: I guess now I should save you by bringing you out of here.  
Riario: Just to be on the safe side.  
Riario: *carries blindfolded Leonardo to the forest*  
Zo and Lucrezia with a cart: Did you call a taxi?  
Riario: *in an aesthetically advantageous pose against the sun* Yep.  
Riario: Here’s your client.  
Riario: A bit overdosed on sesame.  
Riario: * leaves Leonardo in the capable hands of Zo and Lucrezia*  
+++  
  
Zo: *is taking Leonardo to Florence*  
Zo: How do you feel?  
Leonardo: Pretty lousy.  
Leonardo: I have mist in my eyes, sesame in my mouth, and Riario…  
Zo: So where do you have Riario?  
Leonardo: I’d tell you where I have Riario.  
Viewers: *dreamily* We’d tell this, too.  
Viewers: *dreamily* Or vice versa…  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: No idea where Riario is right now.  
Leonardo: But he saved me.  
Leonardo: It’d have been easier if he’d just made me one of them…  
Zo: What are you talking about?  
Leonardo: About the picturesque rural hallucinations and sesame.  
Zo: I see. Everything's crystal clear now.  
+++  
  
**In a mysterious cave**. **Behind the scenes.**  
S_SS: Shame on you! We saved you, and this is how you…  
Riario: I didn’t ask you to save me.  
Riario: Perhaps I wasn’t drowning in the first place.  
Riario: Perhaps I was just doing some free diving!  
S_SS: Well, sh*t.

 

 

Episode 5

  
  
Zo: *is taking Leonardo to Florence*  
Zo: Almost there.  
Leonardo: *sketches*  
Zo: Ah, how I missed Florence! And you?  
Leonardo: *sketches*  
Zo: The sky is so blue…  
Leonardo: *sketches*  
Zo: Leo’s an idiot.  
Leonardo: You’re an idiot.  
Zo: Oh! It can talk!  
Zo: *drinks from the flask and spits everything out at once*  
Zo: It tastes like poison!  
Leonardo: It’s not a poison.  
Leonardo: Quite the contrary.  
Leonardo: I’ve invented activated charcoal.  
Leonardo: I wish I had one more component.  
Leonardo: I’d invent Imodium.  
Leonardo: Or even Pepto-Bismol.  
+++  
  
**In the workshop.**  
Leonardo: Home sweet home!  
Zo: If only a bit burnt.  
Leonardo: Beams are intact, so I think a small facelift will solve the problem.  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In a cabin in the woods.**  
Lucrezia: Is anybody at home?  
Dog: No, there’s no one! I mean bow-wow!  
Lucrezia: Who answered then?  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *warmly welcomes her, wearing a bloody apron and with a cleaver in his hand*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Oh, Lucrezia!  
Lucrezia: Hi, I’m here to visit you.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Great, I’ve just butchered a pig, you’re in time for dinner.  
Viewers: For some reason we don’t like this cleaver at all…  
Lucrezia: It’s just because he’s butchered a pig.  
Viewers: There cannot be any “just because” in movies.  
Lucrezia: It’s because you only saw pigs on a bacon-flavored potato chip pack.  
Lucrezia: Stop telling me how to live my life.  
Viewers: Okay…  
+++  
  
Vanessa: So, dear Council, we’ll host the Pageant of Arms in our city.  
Council: We said no.  
Vanessa: And I said yes.  
Council: We said no.  
Vanessa: And I said yes.  
Council: We said no.  
Vanessa: And I'm in charge here, so yes.  
Council: Well, sh*t.  
Zo and Nico: *fondly* Amazing!  
Vanessa: Zo, I’m so happy you’re alive!  
Vanessa: Where’s Leo?  
Zo: He’s sitting on a heap of ash and inventing big guns for NotRP.  
Nico: It’s not like him.  
Zo: He changed drastically over the summer.  
Zo: But he’s still sure the world revolves around him.  
Zo: *nostalgically* At least something is permanent in this universe.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *smokes*  
Caterina: Ministry of health warning:  
Caterina: Legal smoking blends may be dangerous for your health!  
Leonardo: ???  
Caterina: Hi, son.  
Leonardo: Mom, are you alive?  
Caterina: Smoke some more and you’ll see that your dad’s alive, too.  
Leonardo: Ah, scram, you pipe dream!  
Caterina: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In a cabin in the woods.  
** Lucrezia: I can’t fall asleep. I think I’ll wander around the house.  
Voices from the basement: Help! Save us!  
Lucrezia: *sees two girls through a latticed trap-door*  
Girls: Help us! He’ll return very soon!  
Lucrezia: *lifts the trap-door*  
Lucrezia: I’ll save you!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *sneaks up on her*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Like hell you will!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *pushes Lucrezia into the basement*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Bwahaha!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: I became “a-pervert-who-holds-girls-in-basement”  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Before it became the mainstream!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Bwahaha!  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**Roman Pageant of Arms on its way to Florence.**  
Laura: If Florence doesn’t join our Crusade, we’re screwed.  
Riario: Do not worry.  
Riario: Florence is being ruled by a couple of minors who are da Vinci’s friends on top of it.  
Riario: And da Vinci’s all for the Crusade.  
Riario: He’ll do everything on his own and we won’t even have to take any trouble.  
Laura: And still I’m nervous.  
Riario: I see you’re a pessimist, signora.  
Laura: Nothing of the kind.  
Laura: I’m an optimist, just well informed.  
Riario: Hmmm…  
+++  
  
**In Florence.**  
Laura and Riario: *get out of the carriage*  
Vanessa and Nico: *meet them*  
Laura: Vanessa, sugar, let’s take a stroll and discuss our alliance.  
Riario and Nico: *in the background*  
Riario: Tsup, dude?  
Nico: Ah, not too much, just helping Vanessa rule this city.  
Riario: You’ve grown up, lost your baby fat, in fact you look great.  
Nico: Thanks, bro, you look not so bad yourself.  
Riario: By the way! I’ve brought you an orange. Here it is, in my pock…  
Riario and Nico: *not in the background suddenly*  
Nico: Ooops, we’re live. Ahem…  
Nico: *sternly* Florence will never join your Crusade! Your Pageant of Arms will help us resolve some financial difficulties, but we don’t care about anything else.  
Riario: The Crusade can save Florence in more ways than one.  
+++  
  
Vanessa: These 800 skulls look vaguely familiar… Have I seen them somewhere?  
Laura: Is the Pope a Catholic?  
Laura: They’re our fellows in arms who were decapitated because they refused to eat Turkish peanut cookies.  
Vanessa: Very spooky!  
Vanessa: *looks at the richly clothed skeleton*  
Vanessa: Is it Lorenzo?  
Vanessa: I can’t recognize him in makeup.  
Laura: No wonder.  
Laura: It’s not Lorenzo.  
Laura: His body was never found.  
+++  
  
**With the Turks.**  
Lorenzo: *is working for public benefit*  
~~Officer Friendly and Officer Frosty~~  RP and The Turk: Lorenzo, defect to us!  
RP and The Turk: Your granddad was with us and he liked our cookies a lot!  
Lorenzo: I’m not going to work together with the Turks.  
Lorenzo: Besides, I’m allergic to peanuts.  
The Turk: Well, sh*t!  
RP: *in a whisper* Come on! You can always eat a cookie and take some Benadryl afterwards.  
The Turk: Otherwise, we’ll have one more battle and kill everyone who survived the first one!  
Lorenzo: Stop playing good and bad cops with me.  
Lorenzo: I’m spitting upon you both!  
Lorenzo: PTOOIE!  
RP and The Turk: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Riario: Artista, receive a visitor!  
Riario: Hmm, what a warm welcome, it’s even still smoldering a bit…  
Something: PIIIU!  
Riario: *grabs his dagger*  
Riario: Is it a crossbow bolt or are you just happy to see me?  
Leonardo: *sits near the wall, holding a crossbow*  
Leonardo: I'll give you three guesses.  
Leonardo: But as soon as I don’t look like an Argonaut octopus  
Leonardo: I dare suppose it’s the first.  
Riario: …  
Leonardo: The last time we were together  
Leonardo: I was kidnapped and tortured.  
Leonardo: So I thought about it and…  
Riario: Just stop thinking, our viewers do this well enough.  
Riario: I was stunned and lost you.  
Riario: My people found you in the dungeons beneath Rome.  
Riario: That's what happened.  
Riario: On my Papa!  
Leonardo: …  
Riario: And so that you don’t do any more unnecessary thinking I’ve brought a compensation for moral damage.  
Riario: *puts a bag with money on the table*  
Riario: Build a big gun for us and we’ll give a demonstration to the heads of the states to make them join the Crusade.  
Leonardo: Sure!  
+++  
  
Zo: Where’re we going?  
Nico: To the brothel!  
Zo: Hurray!  
Nico: No, that’s just because they delay paying their taxes.  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
Zo: Since when do they pay taxes?  
Nico: Since now.  
Nico: More precisely, they must pay them, but they don’t want to.  
Nico: A golden shower didn’t turn out the thing I expected.  
Zo: Tee-hee.  
Zo: You should’ve read Wikipedia.  
Nico: I beg you, stop acting like the viewers.  
Zo: Now, now, I didn’t read Wikipedia, we didn’t invent Internet yet after all.  
Zo: It’s just I can remember I…  
Nico: And I don’t want any details.  
Zo: Okay.  
Zo: Don’t worry, I know what we should do.  
+++  
  
**In madam Singh’s brothel.  
** Madame Singh: You need our services?  
Nico: We need your taxes.  
Madame Singh: But we don’t pay taxes.  
Nico: You do.  
Madame Singh: Since when?  
Nico: Since now.  
Madame Singh: Okay, I don’t have cash right now, but we can offer you a golden shower.  
Madame Singh: Wait… We’ve already offered it to you.  
Madame Singh: Then I guess we’ll just kill you so that you don’t keep us from work.  
Zo: Wait!  
Zo: We have a business offer!  
Madame Singh: What kind of a business offer?  
Zo: You’ll pay us taxes and we’ll give you a seat on the council.  
Zo: You’ll become not just a mama-san, but the coolest mama-san in the hood.  
Madame Singh: Hmmmm…  
+++  
  
**In a cabin in the woods.**  
Lucrezia: How did you get here?  
Girl №1: There were four of us. He said he was a cardinal from the Vatican and he took us from the convent.  
Lucrezia: But why does he need you?  
Girl №1: He said he was conducting psychological research on projective technique.   
Girl №1: He shows us a page from a book and asks what we can see in it.  
Girl №1: I’m pretty sure he’s trying to meddle with the results.  
Girl №1: Two girls didn’t see the thing he wanted  
Girl №1: And we never saw them again.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Hey, you! Come with me!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *takes the girl №2*  
Lucrezia and girl №1: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *are testing a new cannon*  
Leonardo: I need this gun projectile to break through the Turkish impenetrable armour.  
Zo: Am I the only one who can see some… contradiction here?  
Cannon: KABOOM!  
Zo: Wow, it boomed nicely.  
Leonardo: But the armour is undamaged.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Zo: Leo, look here. There’s a maker’s mark.  
Leonardo: Mmm?  
Zo: Made in ~~China~~ Walachia? This seal looks exactly like the tail side of the coin which I stole when we visited Vlad!  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In a cabin in the woods.  
** Lucrezia: So, I seem unable to dig a tunnel…  
Lucrezia: But I will get us out of here for sure!  
Girl №1: What do you think what they’re doing there?  
Lucrezia: No idea.  
Lucrezia: Probably, they’re drinking tea and discussing error percentage in projective techniques?  
The trap-door opens.  
Girl №2: *falls into the basement, bloody and slightly dead*  
Lucrezia and the girl №1: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Someone: Rat-tat.  
Leonardo: I’m not waiting for anyone!  
Someone/Vanessa: It’s me, Vanessa!  
Leonardo: Very cool, but it's not a good time.  
Vanessa: It’s never too late, you know.  
Leonardo: I know, but I suspect that’s not about visiting people at night.  
Vanessa: *enters the workshop*  
Captain of the Officers of the Night: I’ll wait outside.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Vanessa: People say you’re working for NotRP and making big guns for him.  
Leonardo: I’m not working for him. He’s working for me.  
Leonardo: I’ll spend his money on big guns and send him to hell.  
Vanessa: What if he puts hands on your guns and sends you to hell?  
Leonardo: …  
Leonardo: Well, I prefer to deal with one thing at a time.  
Vanessa: Okay.  
Vanessa: We’d better make up and cry together.  
Leonardo: Yep!  
+++  
  
Vanessa: *leaves the workshop*  
Vanessa: I wonder where Captain of the Officers of the Night is?  
Vanessa: *walks around the corner*  
Vanessa: *sees Captain of the Officers of the Night*  
Captain of the Officers of the Night: *crucified upside down, bloody and slightly dead*  
Vanessa: Well, sh*t!  
Leonardo: *comes running*  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: It looks like the horrible creepy murderer took offence because I didn’t finish the investigation so he followed me from Rome to Florence.  
Leonardo: *notices a hooded figure who’s running away on the rooftops a la Assassin Creed*  
Leonardo: Oh my!  
Leonardo: This is Ezio Auditore!  
Leonardo: I must get an autograph!  
Leonardo: *follows the figure*  
Leonardo: *draws the shortest way in his mind*  
Leonardo: *jumps on the stranger and knocks him from the roof*  
Leonardo and the stranger: *break through the boards and fall on the ground*  
Leonardo: Ezio, give me your autograph!  
Leonardo: *removes the hood*  
Leonardo: Oopsy-daisy.  
Leonardo: I thought it was Ezio Auditore,  
Leonardo: But it’s only Riario.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.

 

 

Episode 6

  
  
Riario: *has creepy hallucinations*  
Creepy hallucination: You’re the monster of Italy and everyone’s looking for you.  
Riario: What do they want to do with me?  
Creepy hallucination: To give you a medal, dammit.  
Creepy hallucination: Of course they want to kill you, what else?  
Creepy hallucination: But I…  
Leonardo: I’m going to treat you.   
Leonardo: I know how to do it.   
Leonardo: I dissected dead bodies.  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: By the way, viewers, do you want BDSM with chains?  
Viewers: YES!  
Leonardo: I have some!  
Riario: *comes round*  
Riario: *rattles with his chains* Well, sh*t.  
Riario: Have you gone mad?  
Viewers: No, he just decided to spice things up a bit.  
Riario: Come on!  
Riario: Seriously, what this is all about?  
Leonardo: It looks like you’re allergic to S_SS’s magic eye-drops.  
Leonardo: The reaction is just delayed.  
Leonardo: I'm working on an antihistamine right now.  
Leonardo: But given that your symptoms sit well with neither me nor the police authorities  
Leonardo: You’ll stay chained for now.  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Vanessa: I have a bad feeling about this.  
Laura: I do, too.  
Laura: That’s why you should join our Crusade!  
Laura: For your son and your city.  
Vanessa: Hmmm…  
+++  
  
Riario: *in sorrow and chains*  
Riario: *suffers* So it’s me who killed Cardinal Rodrigo? How terrible!  
Riario: *suffers* So it’s me who killed Clarice? How horrible!  
Riario: *suffers* My soul’s as black as the night and I cannot be saved!  
Leonardo: *tears up a bit*  
Leonardo: But you saved me.  
Riario:  ~~After everything that happened between us~~ , I could not watch you die.  
Viewers: AWWWWW!  
Viewers: Well, we know all that is very touching, but  
Viewers: One moment, Riario, you’ve massacred loads of people before all this  
Viewers: Without feeling bad about that at all.  
Riario: Hush!  
Riario: Don’t bother me while I’m realizing all the depth of my descent!  
Viewers: Okay…  
Leonardo: It’ll be okay.  
Leonardo: I’ll cure you.  
Riario: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  
Leonardo: *barely manages to recoil*  
Leonardo: What the…?  
Leonardo: Riario?  
Riario: I’m not Riario, I’m Sinner!  
Sinner!Riario: I’ll kill you, all your friends, all the people who ever passed you in the street and even your hamster!    
Sinner!Riario: *cosplays the girl from _The Exorcist_ diligently and doesn’t spit pea soup only because materials at hand include nothing but grapes which cannot provide the necessary effect*  
Leonardo: Auch, I guess Riario’s invented multiple personality disorder.  
Leonardo: It looks like we’ll need more than just antihistamine.  
Leonardo: I’ll have to invent psychotherapy.  
Leonardo: And haloperidol.  
+++  
  
**In a cabin in the woods.**  
Lucrezia: Who’re you talking to?  
Girl №1: My mom.  
Girl №1: You probably think that I’m schizophrenic…  
Lucrezia: No, nothing of the kind.  
Lucrezia: I see dead people, too.  
Girl №1: No, my mom’s alive.  
Girl №1: I can’t see her, but she talks in my head.  
Lucrezia: Oh, then you’re schizophrenic.  
Girl №1: Well, sh*t.  
Girl №1: Whatever.  
Girl №1: Schizophrenic or not, but mom told me that you had to introduce me to Leonardo da Vinci.  
Lucrezia: Oh.  
Lucrezia: *to himself* Leo is sooo popular.  
Lucrezia: *to himself* Everyone knows him.  
Lucrezia: *to himself* Even schizophrenic hallucinations.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: Okay, let’s see how to make haloperidol…  
Leonardo: A bit of arsenic, a tad of strychnine, a drop of cane toad’s poison…  
Leonardo: And add some charcoal suspension lest the patient winds up dead as a result of the treatment.  
Viewers: We’re not pharmacists, but we suspect that the composition should be a bit different.  
Leonardo: Then shut up if you don’t know.  
Leonardo: It’s very special vintage haloperidol a la Firenze.  
Leonardo: Our hardcore 15 th century demands hardcore meds.  
Sinner!Riario: *bullies fruits and Leonardo*  
Sinner!Riario: You killed more people than I.  
Sinner!Riario: I’m not a monster, you’re a monster.  
Leonardo: No, I’m not.  
Sinner!Riario: Yes, you are.  
Leonardo: No, I’m not.  
Sinner!Riario: Yes, you are.  
Leonardo: No, I’m not.  
Sinner!Riario: Yes, you are.  
Door: RAT-TAT!  
Leonardo: Who’s there?  
Zo: Weren’t we going to visit Vlad?  
Leonardo: A bit later, I’ve washed my hair and my blow-dryer is broken.  
Zo: Pardon me?  
Sinner!Riario: Who’s there? Is that you lover who came for his morning knob slob?  
Viewers: Ah, we should check Urban Dictionary for this.  
Sinner!Riario: *kindly provides pantomime for those who’re too lazy to check Urban Dictionary*  
Leonardo: *lets Zo in*  
Zo: Uh-oh, Leo.  
Zo: Did you decide to spice things up a bit?  
Leonardo: Not exactly.  
Leonardo: In short, it’s Riario who killed everyone.  
Leonardo: But it’s not his fault, it’s because he’s allergic to sesame.  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Streets of Florence: *because of the rumours about the monster of Italy everyone writhes in mild hysterics*  
Vanessa: Well, sh*t.  
Madame Singh: It’s all Leonardo’s fault!  
Madame Singh: He let the killer escape from under his nose.  
Leonardo: *from the workshop* Why is everything always Leonardo’s fault?  
Leonardo: *from the workshop* We have the Officers of the Night, let them do their job.  
Laura: With street skirmishes like that we’re never going to get anywhere with both the Pageant of Arms and the Crusade.  
Vanessa: Thanks, Cap.  
Vanessa: What are we going to do?  
+++  
  
Zo: You really remember nothing?  
Riario: No, but Leonardo told me everything and deep down I believe him.  
Zo: Hmmm…  
Zo: He told you you were a monster who wasn't a monster, because you didn't know you were a monster…  
Riario: Exactly. It’s like with my father.  
Riario: My uncle is the true Holy Father and my father is not the true Holy Father, I mean, he’s not my untrue father, but the untrue Holy Father, though he’s my true father.  
Riario: But even simplier.  
Zo: ???  
Leonardo: In short, aside from all monsters, fathers and Holy Fathers, it’s not his fault.  
Leonardo: As I’ve already said, it’s the fault of the S_SS with their eye-drops and mixtures.  
Leonardo: But personally I suspect he’s been sick for a while, since he killed his own mother by order of his father.  
Riario: In short, aside from all S_SSs, eye-drops, sesame and closest relatives,  
Riario: All in all, I’m screwed.  
Riario: By the way, speaking of fathers and Holy Fathers…  
Zo and Leonardo: Don’t even start it again!  
Riario: No, I mean NotRP is coming here to look at the demonstration of your big gun.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: If he finds out about the monster of Italy he’ll turn back and call off the Crusade.  
Riario: Okay, so this is what I’ve decided to do.  
Riario: Turn me in.  
Zo: Great idea! Let’s turn him in and collect the reward!  
Leonardo: We can’t… I need him.  
Viewers: *pterodactyl screeches*  
Leonardo: I mean the Crusade needs him.  
Viewers. We bet we heard that somewhere.  
Viewers: The first word is worth more than the second!  
Leonardo: You're hopeless.  
Leonardo: I’ve got a plan!  
+++  
  
Someone in Turkish clothes: *is running on the rooftops a la Assassins Creed*  
Nico: *is chasing him with a crossbow*  
Nico: *shoots*  
Someone in Turkish clothes: *falls*  
Someone in Turkish clothes: *crawls aside stealthily and throws a beforehand prepared corpse off the roof*  
Citizens: HUUUUURRAAAAY!  
Someone in Turkish clothes/Zo: Well, sh*t.  
Zo: Leonardo, your plans will bring me to grave before my time.  
Zo: I’ll lie there all young and handsome.  
+++  
  
**In a cabin in the woods.**  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *takes the girl №1*  
Lucrezia: *throws chains in the air and jams the trap door*  
+++  
  
Riario: *is praying*  
Leonardo: Here, I brought you some food and a little shot.  
Riario: I have no idea why I killed them all.  
Leonardo: Perhaps they gave you the stink eye.  
Riario: ...  
Leonardo: I need your arm now.  
Leonardo: I’ve invented intravenous injections.  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In a cabin in the woods.**  
Girl №1: *tied to the chair*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Don’t fear me, I won’t do you any harm.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: However, my dog can’t talk  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: So it can’t give you the same promise.  
Dog: Well, wh… I mean bow-wow!  
Girl №1: *sobbing*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: The page showed me your convent and the four of you.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Through complex logical conclusions  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: And a wee bit of process of elimination  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: I found out that it’s you whom I’ve been looking for.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *reveals the page of the Book of Leaves stolen from the Vatican's Secret Archives*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: So, what can you see in this picture?  
Girl №1: *sobbing*  
+++  
  
Vanessa: Why weren’t we warned that NotRP would come right here?  
Nico: Maybe because we’d barricaded ourselves inside and wouldn’t let him in?  
Vanessa: Sounds logical.  
NotRP: Join the Crusade, my children.  
NotRP: Otherwise, I’ll ex-communicate you again!  
Vanessa: Nope.  
Vanessa: We’re used to it.  
NotRP: Rude.  
+++  
  
**In a cabin in the woods.**  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Well?  
Girl №1: I can see… an alien!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: It’s a bit more interesting.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: And now?  
Girl №1: I can see… one more alien!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Refreshing.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Now?  
Girl №1: I can see… an alien wearing a pink bonnet!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Really interesting.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: But not exactly the thing I need.  
Girl №1: *sobbing*  
Dog: Bow wow!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Who’s there? Is someone coming here?  
Dog: Yep! I mean bow-wow!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Okay, let’s go and see.  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: And you sit here and don’t move.  
Girl №1: *sobbing*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: *follows the dog to the empty basement*  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Well, sh*t!  
Cardinal Lupo Mercuri: Lucrezia, is it you?  
Heavy thingy on the rope: NOPE!  
Heavy thingy on the rope: SURPRISE!  
Heavy thingy on the rope: *knocks the cardinal down in the basement*  
Lucrezia: *shuts the trap-door*  
Lucrezia: But in fact yes, it’s really me.  
+++  
  
**Somewhere in the streets.**  
Laura: Leonardo, did you happen to see Count Riario?  
Laura: I’m worried about him.  
Leonardo: I think he’s okay.  
Laura: And still I’m worried.  
Laura: If something happened to him  
Laura: Who will lead the Crusade?  
Leonardo: I’m sure he's just got a bit of nervous back-door trot.  
Laura: For three days in a row?  
Leonardo: Well… yep.  
Leonardo: He’s bearing an extremely heavy responsibility after all.  
Laura: If you think so…  
+++  
  
Officers of the Night: Open the door now!  
Officers of the Night: We’re looking for Count Riario!  
Sinner!Riario: Hehehe.  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
Zo: Be quiet.  
Sinner!Riario: Hehehe.  
Zo: Don’t you even…  
Sinner!Riario: Hehehe. NOPE!  
Sinner!Riario: HEEEEEEELP! SAVEMETHEYAREGOINGTOKILLMERAPEMEROBME!!!  
Officers of the Night: All this at the same time? How very interesting!  
Officers of the Night: We must see it.  
Officers of the Night: *kick down the door and knock Zo out*  
Officers of the Night: Who’s being killed and robbed here?  
Sinner!Riario: Free me and then I’ll tell you.  
Officers of the Night: *remove his chains*  
Sinner!Riario: You are!  
Sinner!Riario: *with particular cruelty kills the Officers of the Night*  
Zo: *comes round in the good company of three dead bodies*  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**During the weapon demonstration.**  
Laura: Girolamo!  
Leonardo: ???  
Laura: Your belly is okay now?  
Sinner!Riario: ???  
Laura: Though I’d think something’s wrong with your eyes.  
Sinner!Riario: Nothing major. The wind was strong and cold.  
Leonardo: Conjunctivitis is not “nothing major”.  
Leonardo: Let’s go to my workshop.  
Leonardo: I’ll invent some eye-drops real quick.  
Sinner!Riario: Thank you.  
Sinner!Riario: But I think I’ve had enough eye-drops.  
Sinner!Riario: Besides, at the sight of your amazing cannon  
Sinner!Riario: Any conjunctivitis will get scared and take to legs.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Sinner!Riario and Laura: *go away*  
Zo: *comes running*  
Leonardo: I’m so glad you’re alive.  
Zo: I’m so glad the rule ‘don't strike a man when he is down’ works even for psychos.  
Zo: But those three guards in your workshop weren’t so lucky.  
Zo: They were up.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: I just finished redoing the floor…  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Zo: *demonstrate the cannon*  
Ship model: *explodes and burns impressively*  
Everyone: Bravo!  
Leonardo: *has hallucinations of fire, dead bodies and Riario*  
Zo: Leo? Leo!!  
Leonardo: Ah?  
Zo: I'm sorry to distract you from your PTSD,  
Zo: But Riario took off somewhere.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: So I’ll go to the north and you go to the south, east and… Ough.  
Leonardo: In short, I’ll run that way and you run another way.   
Leonardo: *finds Riario in the church*  
Sinner!Riario: Oh, you’re just in time. Check out my new creation!  
Sinner!Riario: *holds Laura by her throat*  
Leonardo: I can’t see any creation.  
Sinner!Riario: No prob.  
Sinner!Riario: It’s to be done.  
Sinner!Riario: Just one moment…  
Leonardo: No-no-no! Wait!  
Leonardo: *to himself* I must invent hostage rescue negotiation strategies as soon as possible…  
Leonardo: *to himself* Come on… Invent…  
Leonardo: *to himself* Bingo!  
Leonardo: I’m here to confess to you that we’re alike.  
Leonardo: Deep down I enjoy seeing my machines kill everyone.  
Sinner!Riario: It’s all very sad, but I’m still going to kill her.  
Leonardo: I hate this part of me  
Leonardo: And sometimes I want to cut my wrists, too.  
Sinner!Riario: It’s all very sad, but I’m still going to kill her.  
Sinner!Riario: I’ll kill her for you.  
Viewers: *pterodactyl scree…*  
Leonardo, Sinner!Riario and Laura: It's a bad time!  
Viewers: Sorry…  
Leonardo: *to himself* Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: *to himself* Okay, let’s work it from other angles.  
Leonardo: So, she likes you, you like her and on top of that you have Oedipus complex.  
Leonardo: So do it, kill her like you killed your mom!  
Viewers, Sinner!Riario and Laura: Are you sure you didn’t get a bit confused?  
Leonardo: Or…  
Leonardo: WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!!!  
Riario: *lets Laura go*  
Riario: Well, sh*t.  
Riario: Now my belly is definitely not okay…  
+++  
  
**In a cabin in the woods.**  
Girl №1/Sophia: *brightly* Where are we going now?  
Lucrezia: To Florence, to Leonardo da Vinci.  
Sophia: Hurray!  
Sophia: Oh.  
Sophia: Who’re those riders?  
Lucrezia: Grab the page and hide yourself.  
Lucrezia: As soon as you spot an opportunity, run to Florence.  
Lucrezia: It’s only a two days' journey, you’ll be there in no time.  
Sophia: Yep!  
Sophia: *hides*  
RP: *comes with escort*  
RP: Hi, daughter.  
Lucrezia: Hi, dad.  
RP: Where’s the page?  
Lucrezia: The cardinal ate it.  
RP: And where’s the cardinal?  
Lucrezia: The dog ate him.  
RP: And where…  
RP: Ough.  
RP: Search the house!  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.

 

Episode 7

  
  
Council: *are arguing about the Crusade*  
Soldier in full plate metal: *is running along the street*  
Citizens: Hey, we have neither the war nor the Turks here!  
Soldier in full plate metal: I’m kinda like that Japanese guerrilla 30 years after the war.  
Soldier in full plate metal: But I’m the Turkish one and before the war!  
Soldier in full plate metal: *breaks into the Council hall*  
Everyone: ???  
Soldier in full plate metal: *removes his helmet*  
Soldier in full plate metal/Lorenzo: HULK SMASH  
Lorenzo: I mean you didn’t expect to see me again, but I’m back!  
Everyone: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: Hm, your eyes seem clear.  
Leonardo: How do you feel?  
Riario: I want to have a bath, eat a bull-size beef steak and sleep for a week.  
Leonardo: It’s not really a heroic answer.  
Leonardo: Let’s try it again.  
Leonardo: How do you feel?  
Riario: Alive.  
Leonardo: That’s better.  
Leonardo: Well, congrats, you’re practically healthy  
Leonardo: Or at least in sustained remission.  
Leonardo: *removes Riario’s chains and helps him to his feet*  
Laura: I’m here to see Girolamo.  
Leonardo: What is this noise outside?  
Laura: Lorenzo’s back.  
Leonardo: Seriously? I’ll leave you two alone.  
+++  
  
Lorenzo: *is rocking the baby in his arms*  
Leonardo: *puppy eyes* LORENZO LORENZO IT’S ME LEONARDO LOOK AT ME!  
Lorenzo: *is rocking the baby in his arms*  
Leonardo: *puppy eyes* LORENZO LORENZO IT’S ME LEONARDO LOOK AT ME!  
Lorenzo: *is rocking the baby in his arms*  
Leonardo: *puppy eyes* LORENZO LORENZO IT’S ME LEONARDO LOOK AT ME!  
Lorenzo: *returns the baby to Vanessa*  
Leonardo:  ~~SEMPAI NOTICED ME~~  I’m so happy to see you!  
Lorenzo and Leonardo: *hug*  
+++  
  
Riario: *is scrutinizing his dagger in an emphatic manner*  
Laura: *to herself* I’m not so sure it was a great idea to come to see him…  
Riario: *hands her the dagger*  
Riario: Here.  
Riario: If I ever try to kill you again stab me.  
Laura: I’m sure that won't be necessary ~~because since that night I have a pepper spray, a stun gun and a pocket alarm on me all the time.~~  
Riario: Take it, otherwise I won’t lead the Crusade, but stay at Leonardo’s place where I’ll keep wasting his fruit and nerve cells.  
Laura: Okay then.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: We organized the Crusade.  
Leonardo: I invented new guns.  
Leonardo: I ciphered everything thoroughly.  
Leonardo: This time the Turks won’t steal my inventions.  
Leonardo: I've thought everything through.  
Lorenzo: …  
Leonardo: Lorenzo?  
Leonardo: I've T-H-O-U-G-H-T everything through. ~~Yes, I know how to do this planning ahead thing now.~~ Aren’t you happy?  
Lorenzo: Speaking of, where’s my wife?  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Lucrezia: *in the basement in the good company of the dead cardinal*  
RP: Well, daughter, have you remembered where the page is?  
Lucrezia: No idea.  
RP: You’re lying.   
RP: But we’ll find out the truth.   
RP: We won’t even have to torture you.   
RP: We’ll just call our hypnotist and soon we’ll know everything.   
Caterina: …  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.  
Caterina: Okay, I know everything!  
Caterina: The page is being carried to Rome.  
Lucrezia: ???  
+++  
  
**On the Turkish ship.**  
Lucrezia: Why are you defending me?  
Caterina: Not you.  
Lucrezia: Oh, I know. Sophia is your daughter.  
Lucrezia: *to himself* You see I didn't waste my time hanging out with Leonardo.  
Lucrezia: *to himself* Now I also know how to draw conclusions through unknown, but brilliant reasoning.  
Caterina: Yep. Besides, she’s Leonardo’s sister.  
Viewers: Why are all inhabitants of this country each other’s relatives?  
+++  
  
**In Florence.**  
Speaker: So, we’ll join the Crusade…  
Lorenzo: *has leveled up after the Turkish captivity*  
Lorenzo: HULK SMASH  
Lorenzo: I mean nope.  
Everyone: ???  
Speaker: But…  
Lorenzo: *kills the speaker with his bare hands*  
Lorenzo: Florence is in a league of its own and we need no one.  
Lorenzo: NotRP banned us from the Church  
Lorenzo: And I’m banning everyone from Florence!  
Lorenzo: Everyone!  
Lorenzo: That’s it.  
Everyone: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Laura: *approach the brothel*  
Leonardo: Are you sure you want enter with me?  
Leonardo: The count can get jealous.  
Laura: …  
Leonardo: On second thought, never mind.  
Leonardo: He and I, we visited this place, too.  
Laura: ???  
Leonardo: Just kidding.  
Bouncer: Oh, maestro, the usual for you?  
Laura: ????  
Leonardo: He’s kidding, too.  
Madame Singh: Lorenzo’s busy and asked not to be bothered.  
Leonardo: We’re here to have a serious talk with him.  
Lorenzo: *is disporting himself with light BDSM*  
Leonardo: Maybe we’ll join the Crusade after all?  
Lorenzo: Nope! Your guns will defend Florence.  
Leonardo: But my guns are leaving with the Crusade.  
Lorenzo: Not anymore.  
Leonardo: Do you care about Italy at all?  
Lorenzo: Our dear fellow-countrymen beat me black and blue.  
Lorenzo: Touch any spot on my skin and you’re sure to find a little nice present from Naples or from Rome.  
Lorenzo: So I don’t care much in fact.  
Leonardo: But Florence won’t win without alliances with other cities!  
Lorenzo: We’re not going to win, we’re going to survive.  
Lorenzo: I did the Turkish survival course  
Lorenzo: And brought 70% discounted gift certificates for everyone.  
Leonardo: But…  
Lorenzo: HULK SMASH and confiscate all his designs.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *is trying to restore all his designs from memory*  
Zo: It’s no use, everyone is running away already.  
Leonardo: That’s true.  
Leonardo: Here, take the rest of the money and leave, too.  
Zo: No way!  
Zo: I’ve got a plan!  
Zo: We should visit Vlad again and ask him for an alliance.  
+++  
  
Riario: *looks at Clarice’s portrait and suffers*  
Riario: This is all my fault. Solely and exclusively mine.  
Riario: Everyone’s running away.  
Riario: How can we and our Crusade move on?  
Laura: As usual. With the help of our legs.  
Riario: Sounds logical.  
Laura: By the way, Girolamo, dear, don’t you think things went too PG-rated?  
Riario: Well… I… ahm… erm…  
Viewers: Hey, lady, chill out, you’re old enough to be his mother.  
Riario: Shush!  
Riario: I kinda have Oedipus complex, a bad need for a mother figure and other clever words.  
Riario: Even Leonardo admitted it.  
Laura: *to herself* Time to use the big guns.  
Laura: MWAH.  
Riario: Oh.  
Riario: Okay…  
  
+++  
Leonardo: *saddles a horse*  
Riario: Aren’t you going with us?  
Leonardo: I’ll swing by Vlad’s place and then join you.  
Leonardo: By the way, here are the designs of the guns.  
Leonardo: Unlike those confiscated by Lorenzo, these aren’t ciphered.  
Riario: Maybe you need someone to see you there at least?   
Riario: I have a couple of men I can ~~sacrifice~~ trust with this task.  
Zo and Nico: *approach them* No, thanks, we can manage on our own.  
Leonardo: Yeah, like the old days.  
+++  
  
**In the forest, early in the morning.**  
Lucrezia: Hi, Leo.  
Leonardo: Oh, are you a hallucination again?  
Lucrezia: No, I’m not.  
Lucrezia: And I’m going to prove it.  
Lucrezia: *proves she’s not a hallucination. But without explicit rating because it’s dark, cold and magic is not elastic*  
Lucrezia: However, I’m a bit of a hallucination after all.  
Lucrezia: But not exactly.  
Lucrezia: In short, it’s your mom who sent me.  
Lucrezia: There is that girl, Sophia, you must save her.  
Lucrezia: And I found the page.  
Lucrezia: Oh, and your sister.  
Leonardo: Who’s my sister? The page?  
Lucrezia: No, Sophia.  
Lucrezia: All told, you should save Sophia and take the page from her.  
Lucrezia: Otherwise, our Crusade will be doomed.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: *wakes Zo*  
Leonardo: I know it’s me who dragged you to Vlad,  
Leonardo: But a hallucination appeared to me and ordered to go to Vinci.  
Zo: I’d say that’s something new,  
Zo: But that is not.  
Zo: Well, go if that’s what the hallucination told you.  
Zo: Hallucinations cannot steer you wrong.  
Zo: As for Vlad, Nico and I, we’ll deal with him on our own.  
Leonardo: Thanks, Zo!  
Leonardo: You’re a real friend!

 

 

Episode 8

  
  
Leonardo: *arrives in Vinci*  
Leonardo: *wanders around the abandoned house*  
Leonardo: *feels nostalgic about his childhood pictures, namely, birds, horses and hanged men*  
Leonardo: *goes to the cave from THAT incident from his childhood*  
Something: Chirrrrrr.  
Leonardo: Sophia, is that you?  
Carlo & Company: No, it’s us.  
Carlo & Company: Surprise.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Laura: *is running around the camp looking for Riario*  
Soldier: Ah, he left at the dawn.  
Laura: Holy Father, did you happen to see Count Riario?  
NotRP: No, why?  
Laura: I was told he’d left.  
Laura: I thought you’d sent him somewhere.  
NotRP: Well, sh*t.  
NotRP: No, I didn’t send him anywhere.  
NotRP: But when we find him, I’ll send him really really far away.  
NotRP: I’m sure he made off on a cruise again!  
+++  
  
Riario: *to himself* Okay, since this thing with cut wrists didn’t work we’ll choose another way.  
Lorenzo: *suffers and adorns his wife’s skeleton with flowers*  
Riario: Rat-tat.  
Lorenzo: Are you here to kill me?  
Riario: No, I’m here to tell you that I did it. I killed ~~Mufasa~~ your wife.  
Lorenzo: ???  
Lorenzo: HULK SMASH!!!  
Riario: *all beaten up, on the market square* Well, sh*t.  
Riario: Cutting wrists was a bit faster…  
+++  
  
Zo and Nico: Vlad, hey, hello, Vlad! Vlad, forgive us for poisoning you, burning you and defenestrating you.  
Zo and Nico: Will you join us in the war against the Turks?  
Vlad: Hm…  
Zo: I stole a coin from your yard,  
Zo: But I’ll put it in its place before you can say stake.  
Zo: Will you join us in the war against the Turks now?  
Vlad: No prob.  
Vlad: But first off, let’s play strip poker.  
Zo and Nico: ???  
Vlad: Just kidding.  
Vlad: We’ll play impale chess.  
Zo and Nico: Well, sh*t!  
Zo and Nico: We wish it were poker…

+++  
  
Leonardo: *half-naked and tied up*  
Viewers: Oh, Leonardo, fess up! Have you invented a weight-room?  
Leonardo: Yep.  
Leonardo: How did you know?  
Viewers: We’re not even sure how to tell you…  
Carlo: *picks a whip*  
Carlo: From Lorenzo’s good example  
Carlo: BDSM is very fashionable at the moment.  
Carlo: Let’s follow modern trendiness.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Sophia: *watches from above* Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo: *comes round hanging upside down*  
Sophia: *cuts the rope*  
Riario: *passes him, driving a dump truck* Artista, the Turks beheaded your dad and therefore you have no one now, either.  
Riario: Let’s drive the dump truck together!  
Leonardo: It’s not true, my mom miraculously survived and now she’s alive again!  
Sophia: Eeeh, brother, I don’t want to upset you, but not anymore.  
Riario: So, are you coming?  
Leonardo: No! Because I have a sister now!  
Leonardo: By the way, what are you doing there?  
Leonardo: Your dad is still alive.  
Riario: It can be fixed.  
+++  
  
**At the cave entrance near the wooden crucifix shaped as the S_SS symbol.**  
Carlo: *with a sword*  
Leonardo: *with a battle-axe*  
Sophia: *with pompons*  
Viewers: *with popcorn*  
Leonardo and Carlo: *mud wrestle*  
Leonardo: *grabs the sword blade with his bare hands and drowns Carlo in a puddle. Literally.*  
Leonardo: *takes an aesthetically advantageous pose against the crucifix in the rain*  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Zo: *wins the chess game*  
Vlad: In fact, I was going to fight with the Turks anyway  
Vlad: To have revenge upon my brother who’d defected to them  
Vlad: And who’s responsible for the fact that I spent a lot of time in the dungeon  
Vlad: In the company of Lucifer alone.  
Nico: *whispers* Did he sit in the dungeon with Lucifer?  
Zo: *whispers* Well, if Sam Winchester did, why he couldn’t?  
Vlad: In short, I just wanted to ~~torture you~~ be certain you were loyal men.  
Vlad: *opens the door to the hall full of armour*  
Vlad: I will share this armour with you.  
Vlad: Without it, this hall will fit more corpses.  
+++  
  
Sophia: This cave looks really suspicious.  
Leonardo: Yeah. When I was a boy, I wandered in there, chasing a sheep,  
Leonardo: And saw something strange.  
Leonardo: More precisely, the same thing that happened today.  
Sophia: You think it’s an anomaly area?  
Leonardo: No, I think it’s just because I’m very unique and I saw the future.  
Sophia: I still think it’s an anomaly area.  
Sophia: *constructs a compass, using a needle, a tree leaf and a pool of rain water*  
Leaf with a needle: *spins on its axis*  
Sophia: I told you!  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Laura: Do something!  
Laura: Make sure Riario is tried at least.  
Laura: Maybe they'll acquit him.  
NotRP: Nope.  
NotRP: My reputation is more important to me.  
Laura: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Sophia: *put the page under the moonlight*  
Page: *shows 3D projections*  
Leonardo: I see… I see some device with lenses and tiny wheels!  
Sophia: And I see the beautiful stormy sky and a beautiful headless bird.  
Leonardo: You have quite an odd interpretation of beauty…  
Leonardo: Oh!  
Leonardo: It’s not a headless bird!  
Leonardo: It’s my flying machine.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Leonardo: I wish Zo were here.  
Leonardo: I have no one whom I could send out to buy things.  
Leonardo: On the other hand, there’s no market here, either.  
Leonardo: Okay.  
Leonardo: Scrap materials will suit me just fine.  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Sophia: *stand near the freshly-constructed device and look at the flying machine in the sky*  
Leonardo and Sophia: *nothing happens*  
Leonardo: I thought the wind would activate it.  
Sophia: What if we ~~push that big red button~~ spin the biggest wheel?  
Leonardo: *spins the wheel*  
Device: *cracks and sparks*  
Stormy clouds: *gather in the sky*  
Flying machine: *throws a lightning bolt at the tree*  
Leonardo and Sophia: Wow, that’s a hell of short circuit!

 

 

Episode 9

  
  
Zo: Hey, what’s up? I’m here to save you.  
Leonardo: Thanks, but you’re a bit late.  
Leonardo: Sophia’s already saved me.  
Zo: Is Sophia this wonderful creature?  
Leonardo: No, Sophia is my sister.  
Zo: *to himself* As the ancients taught us  
Zo: *to himself* If you value your friendship on no account should you hook up with your best friend’s younger sister.  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
Zo: Okay, let’s change the topic.  
Zo: What is this stuff?  
Zo: *spins the wheel of the device*  
Device: Get your hands off me!  
Device: *strikes Zo with lightning*  
Zo: *falls* Well, sh*t.  
Zo: *fishes the Turkish armour plate from under his cape*  
Sophia: Aha! This metal attracts lightning!  
Zo: *from the floor* I recollect a wondrous instant…  
Sophia: Something in the forging must have altered the chemical composition…  
Zo: *from the floor* I recollect a wondrous instant…  
Leonardo: I’ve got an idea!  
Zo: Great, just don’t forget that it's not only the Turks who’ll use this armor.  
Zo: Nico outfitted our entire army.  
Zo: If you use your infernal device, it'll take us all out in process.  
Leonardo: Yes!  
Leonardo: Exactly!  
Zo: Well, sh*t.  
Zo: And this happens all the time.  
+++  
  
NotRP: Bless you for heroic deeds.  
NotRP: Amen.  
Laura: *wearing armour and armed with a sword*…  
NotRP: Well, since Count Riario cannot lead the army for obvious reasons  
NotRP: You’ll do it instead.  
Deceased company from the 1st season: A woman?  
NotRP: Shush.  
NotRP: We respected feminism before it became the mainstream!  
Laura: By the way, about Count Riario…  
Laura: You don’t feel sorry for him at all?  
NotRP: Why? I do.  
NotRP: I’ll make sure to shed a tear for him.  
NotRP: I just need to make a note in my calendar…  
Laura: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In court.**  
Lorenzo: So, since we respect democracy and human rights here  
Lorenzo: We won’t hang Riario right away.  
Lorenzo: First we’ll try him a bit.  
Everyone: YES!  
Vanessa: You killed Clarice?  
Riario: I did.  
Vanessa: You killed the Captain of the Officers of the Night?  
Riario: I did.  
Vanessa: Whom else?  
Riario: Our cardinal and one creepy dude, you don’t know him.  
Madame Singh: By the way, one of my managers disappeared.  
Riario: Oh, it’s because I killed him, too.  
Riario: *coyly* By the way, John Kennedy was killed by me, too.  
Everyone: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
NotRP: What the…?  
NotRP: Why is this guy sitting in my chair?  
Nico: He’s not just some guy, he’s a leader of the Order of the Dragon.  
Nico: He kindly agreed to join us  
Nico: And provided armour to equip our soldiers.  
NotRP: Ah, okay then.  
NotRP: *to himself* Thank God he didn’t get to my jacuzzi…  
NotRP: So how many soldiers do you have?  
Vlad: Eleven.  
NotRP: Eleven hundred? Quite an impressive figure.  
Nico: Ahem, he means eleven.  
Nico: Eleven like 11 if digits are easier to understand.  
Vlad: Or like two stakes if images are easier to understand. #^v^#  
NotRP: Well, sh*t.  
NotRP: A bit too few.  
Vlad: But still more than one.  
NotRP: Sounds logical.  
NotRP: Okay, I should go and give an empowering speech to our army.  
+++  
  
Leonardo, Zo and Sophia: *arrive at the battlefield in Otranto*  
Zo: Oh field, wide field, who planted you with the dead…  
Zo: Ahem, Italians, sadly.  
Zo: Loads of bodies and no Turks at all.  
Vlad and his 11 (in digits so that no one confuses anything) soldiers: You've missed all the fun!  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
Nico: They were waiting for us.  
Nico: Your stolen tanks tore us apart in a second.  
Zo: What should we do now?  
Leonardo: Attack them!  
Laura: But more than half our forces have been wiped out.  
Leonardo: Then we’ll wage guerilla warfare.  
+++  
  
**In jail.**  
Riario: Yesyesyes, ordeals and sufferings!  
Riario: Yesyesyes, sufferings and ordeals!  
Riario: Beat me, beat me more!  
Guards: No prob, dude, just ask!  
Riario: Just don’t give me any black eyes.  
Riario: I won’t be able to look at everyone with my big beautiful eyes from the scaffold  
Riario: If I get shiners under them.  
Guards: Okay, we’ll try not to.  
S_SS Boss: Having fun?  
Riario and guards: Yep!  
S_SS Boss: My son, you went through the labyrinth, you’re the Minotaur, and an avenging angel, and the Chosen One and overall cooler than Chuck Norris.  
S_SS Boss: Your purpose is to serve God.  
Riario: How exactly?  
Riario: To kill people left and right?  
S_SS Boss: Besides, you’re really smart.  
Riario: Hmmm…  
Riario: That’s all really amazing, but tomorrow I’m going to be not only very smart, but also very dead.  
Riario: So I’m afraid this fact can get in the way of my great mission.  
S_SS Boss: *smiles mysteriously*  
+++  
  
**In the forest near Otranto.**  
Leonardo: Okay, here’s the plan.  
Leonardo: We destroy all their tanks, draw them out to the plain  
Leonardo: And there my new invention kills them all from the bell tower.  
Vlad: Forget it, it's witchcraft.  
Everyone: Have you seen yourself in the mirror?  
Vlad: ~~I can’t, I’m a vampire.~~  
Vlad: What you see on me is not witchcraft, it's colored contact lenses.  
Everyone: Lord have mercy on us sinners!  
Vlad: Okay, we'll try it your way.  
+++  
  
Lonely tank: *is moving in the middle of the night forest for some dubious reason*  
Vlad: *kills all guards in turn*  
Gun-shooter: *fires with flame point blank*  
Vlad: *neither burns in fire and so on, you remember*  
Viewers: Maybe he doesn’t burn, but when he was set on fire in the 1 st season he looked like Freddy Krueger, but now he’s intact all at once.  
Vlad: Envy me in silence, peasants.  
Vlad: I’ve upgraded my skills by the 3rd season.  
Vlad: *kills the gun-shooter*  
+++  
  
Zo: We’ll have to split up.  
Zo: You’ll go to blow up tanks  
Zo: Sophia and I will go and set your infernal device on the bell tower.  
Leonardo: Sophia?  
Leonardo: But it’s dangerous.  
Sophia: Don’t worry, I’ll protect him.  
Zo: Ahem.  
Leonardo: Okay.  
Nico: *out of the tank* Maestro, are you coming?  
Vlad: Should I accompany you?  
Leonardo: Thank you, but heaps of dead bodies can attract unwanted attention.   
Vlad: Sounds logical.  
Nico and Leonardo: *in the tank*  
Nico and Leonardo: Wow!  
Nico: How to drive this?  
Leonardo: Let me see, this is to the right, this is to the left, this is the gas, this is the brake.  
Leonardo: Let’s go?  
Nico: Erm…  
Leonardo: For those under a rock…  
Leonardo: Or rather in the tank…  
Nico: No-no, I got it.  
Leonardo: Do you remember the traffic rules?  
Nico: Sure. I should go around trees, I’m allowed to drive when a traffic light is green  
Nico: And also when a traffic light is yellow or red, because traffic lights are not invented yet.  
Leonardo: You’re absolutely right.  
Nico: There’re no safety belts, but I found a helmet!  
Nico: *puts the Turkish helmet on*  
Nico: Let’s go!  
+++  
  
Leonardo and Nico: *are destroying Turkish tanks*  
Zo and Sophia: *are sneaking into the city through an underground tunnel*  
Tanks and everything else: *blow up*  
Lucrezia: *from the dungeon* It’s Leo, I know it for sure.  
Lucrezia: He always plays with fire.  
S_SS Boss: *is demoralizing the citizens of Florence*  
Zo and Sophia: *get out of the tunnel*  
Turkish soldiers: Who’s disturbing the peace here?  
Zo: Well, sh*t.

 

 

Episode 10

  
  
Leonardo: *is walking through the wood*  
The Turk: Well done, I’m proud of you!  
Leonardo: You betrayed me.  
Leonardo: Because of you I have to kill people left and right.  
The Turk: Nothing like that.  
The Turk: Not left and right at all.  
The Turk: You just kill the Turks first  
The Turk: And then NotRP and the Roman army.  
Leonardo: Maybe I should kill you for good measure?  
The Turk: For the occasion, I can’t see why not.  
Leonardo: Well, sh*t.  
+++  
  
**In the dungeon.**  
Lucrezia: *chokes the Sultan’s son with her chains*  
Lucrezia: *kills the guards with the crossbow*  
Lucrezia: *frees Zo and Sophia*  
Lucrezia: Because I haven’t been a tough girl for a while…  
+++  
  
**Near** **Otranto** **.**  
Italian army: *are waiting*  
Leonardo: The Turks are late.  
Leonardo: I’m even a little worried about them.  
Leonardo: What if something happened to them?  
Vlad: Do not worry.  
Vlad: We’ll win because I’ve always been more cunning than my brother.  
Leonardo: Pardon me?  
Leonardo: Your brother is the Turkish Commander?  
Vlad: Yep.  
Vlad: To keep ourselves from getting bored while we’re waiting  
Vlad: Let me tell you my sad flashback.  
Leonardo: I’m all ears!  
Leonardo: I adore listening to sad flashbacks.   
+++  
  
**In Florence.**  
Lorenzo: HULK SMASH  
Lorenzo: I mean hang him! He pleaded guilty!  
Citizens: Yeeah! Hang him! He’s guilty!  
Riario: *with a spiritually inspired face* Right, I’m guilty.  
Riario: I’m guilty of everything, including the original sin and the Great Flood.  
Riario: Hang me! Hang me completely!  
S_SS Boss: What are you talking about? You’re actually good!  
S_SS Boss: Sesame and I, we both believe in you!  
Riario: *to himself* On second thought, suddenly I don't feel like I’m ready to die anymore.  
Riario: *to himself* I’ll give them an emotional speech, then the citizens will change their mind about executing me and start idolizing me instead!  
Riario: You thought everyone I’d killed was good and I was bad,  
Riario: But that’s not true.  
Riario: The truth is everyone I killed is bad and I am good.  
Citizens: We believe you!  
Citizens: *start idolizing Riario*  
Lorenzo: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
**Near Otranto.**  
A Lot Of Turks: You’re done, guys!  
Leonardo: This is Spartaaaaa! I mean, Iiiiitaaaaalyyy!  
Everyone: *are killing one another with gusto*  
+++  
  
Zo: *is going up to the really decrepit tiled roof, carrying a flying machine*  
Lucrezia and Sophia: *watch him from the window*  
Zo: Well, sh*t!  
Lucrezia and Sophia: Ah!  
Zo: It’s okay, I’m holding onto it.  
Zo: Well, sh*t!  
Lucrezia and Sophia: Ah!  
Zo: It’s okay, I’m holding onto it.  
Zo: Well, sh*t!  
Lucrezia and Sophia: Ah!  
Zo: It’s ok… Ooops, I’m not holding onto it.  
Zo: *breaks through the roof and falls down*  
Lucrezia and Sophia: Well, sh*t!  
+++  
  
**Near Otranto.  
** Everyone: *are killing one another with gusto, but the numbers of Turks are too steep*  
Leonardo: *sizes up a situation*  
Leonardo: We surrender!  
Turkish Commander: BWAHAHA!  
Turkish Commander: Order your people to drop their weapons and strip their armour.  
The Turk: You know, Leonardo, I’ve been saving you during the whole show, but now game over.  
The Turk: You’ve lost all your lives.  
Leonardo: I wasn't too keen anyhow!  
+++  
  
Lucrezia: *takes over the honorary duty*  
Turkish sentry with a bow: Well, well, who’s crawling on the rooftops there while all good people are fighting?  
Turkish sentry with a bow: *shoots at Lucrezia three times*  
Lucrezia: Well, sh*t.  
Lucrezia: *still manages to fly the machine*  
+++  
  
Italian army: *pile up their armour in a heap*  
Turkish Soldier: Who’s your commander?  
Laura: I am!  
Turkish Soldier: Okay, woman, come here, I’m going to execute you.  
Leonardo: Can I cover for her?  
Turkish Soldier: In fact, it makes no difference to me.  
Turkish Soldier: *raises his sword*  
Stormy clouds are gathering, thunder’s rumbling.  
Leonardo: *with a spiritually inspired face, staring at the sky*  
Leonardo: Tut, tut.  
Leonardo: *with a spiritually inspired face, staring at the sky*  
Leonardo: It looks like rain.  
The Turk: Well, sh*t.  
Lightning: CRAAAACCCCKKKKK!  
Lightning: *deflects off the heap of armour*  
Turkish army: *fly away in all directions*  
Turkish army: *lie around quietly and smoke*  
Leonardo: I've invented an electrical shock apparatus with selective blast zone!  
Turkish army: Well, sh*t.  
Turkish army: (who survived) *in their fright surrender*  
+++  
  
Leonardo: So, how are you doing here?  
Sophia: Do you want to hear good news or bad news first?  
Leonardo: ???  
Sophia: I’ll make it original and tell you good news first.  
Sophia: Zo’s badly hurt, but he’ll live.  
Sophia: But Lucrezia, well…  
Sophia: She saved us all, and they say Paradise has some beautiful views and delicious ambrosia.   
Some dude: *carries in Lucrezia slowly and solemnly*  
Lucrezia: I’m still alive.  
Lucrezia: However, as you’ve probably guessed, not for long.  
Leonardo: *weeps*  
Lucrezia: Leo, promise me you will fly, love and enjoy your life.  
Leonardo: *weeps* Sure.  
Leonardo: *weeps* I’m starting to do it right now.  
Lucrezia: Okay, on that positive note I can die a hero.  
Lucrezia: *dies a hero*  
Leonardo: *weeps*  
+++  
  
NotRP: *is having dinner*  
Riario: *enters the hall*  
NotRP: You’re alive?  
Riario: No, I’m a ghost.  
NotRP: You’re alive! Let’s celebrate!  
Riario: Nope.  
Riario: da Vinci’s dad beat him, but still defended him in court. But you, you beat me and didn’t defend me in court.   
Riario: I took offence so I’ll choke you to death and become the Pope myself. That’s it!  
Riario: *chokes NotRP to death and puts the Pope’s ring on his own finger*  
Riario: *kisses the ring and ~~rides off into the sunset in his dump-truck~~ starts eating*  
Viewers: *with hope* The Pope?  
Riario: *chokes on his dinner*  
Riario: You enjoy your meal, too.  
+++  
  
Leonardo, Zo, Nico and Sophia: *admire the view from horseback*  
Zo: Where to now?  
Nico: I’ll go to Naples.  
Leonardo: And I’ll go home.  
Leonardo: I think I still have a couple of unfinished commissions from the 1 st season.  
Leonardo: Though I’m not sure that the customers made it to the last episode of our show.  
Leonardo, Zo, Nico and Sophia: *ride off into the sunset*

 

THE END

  
  
Hypothetical post-credits scene a la Marvel  
  
Viewers: In Season 4 you’re about to see…  
Leonardo: There is no Season 4.  
Viewers: It’s okay, we’ll wait.  
Riario: No, you don’t understand, there won’t be any Season 4.  
Riario: The series ended.  
Viewers: It’s okay, we’ll still wait.  
Viewers: Will we see any slash in Season 4?  
Leonardo and Riario: *in chorus* Well, sh*t!!!

 

Now it’s definitely THE END

**Author's Note:**

> (1) Reference to this joke:  
> A man rings the doorbell. A little boy opens the door. The man asks him, “Where’s your mom?”  
> “She was run over by a dump truck.”  
> “What a tragedy! And where’s your dad?”  
> “He was also run over by a dump truck.”  
> “It’s awful! And where’s your granny?”  
> “She was also run over by a dump truck.”  
> “But you still have a granddad, don’t you?”  
> “No, he was also run over by a dump truck.”  
> “So what are you doing at home all alone?”  
> “I’m driving the dump truck…”
> 
> (2) Reference to this joke:  
> “Have you finished my portrait?”  
> “Sure, here it is.”  
> “But it just says ‘moron’!”  
> “I’m an artist and that’s how I see it.”


End file.
